Tomorrow is Caila's last day of 3rd grade. I have had many thoughts about this today and for some of them I wasn't sure if they belong here or on the family blog. (really it is fully functional because I tried a new "space" and I'm having problems getting all the fun things working).
So at the risk of seeming to have a split-personality I'll probably write two completely different versions of what this day will mean to me.
I could post a first and last day picture side by side, which is what I had originally intended to do in the onset of this blog. On Caila's first day of 3rd grade we were 6wks pregnant with our precious boy, and planning ahead we could not wait to have that family picture on the last day of 3rd grade. Caila nearing 91/2 yrs, Carter somewhere around 9wks. I will forever look at scrapbooks and see the empty arms that should be full. Those moments will never go away; That doesn't mean we overlook the blessings, I think it makes us appreciate them more, but the hurt will always be present.
So tomorrow there will be tears I'm sure, for so many reasons. Caila, my baby girl, is closing in on her first decade of life, Carter my angel baby who will never get a first and last, and to all the unknowns that are around the bend.
I think by the end of the day tomorrow there will be a bottle of wine somewhere with my name on it......
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Whats Next.....
I wanted to do this heartfelt Fathers Day post.... but I just didn't have it in me. Mothers Day was hard, but fathers day seemed worse. Not to lessen the life of our daughter but because I think of Fathers and sons, and ours is missing from the picture. Not only just our son, but a missing grandson for both families but specifically for mine. I'm an only. An only only. No girl cousins, no boy cousins. Carter would have been the first boy on my side. Since the moment I knew that Rob was the one I had asked that if we ever had a son we could somehow honor my Dad in his name. And now Carter, Carter Alexander isn't here, and we miss him. We wish he could be here. There clarity of peace love and understanding is starting to be clouded with time.
So whats next? Some ask, some want to but don't. There are days I want to ask but can't ask myself. Our goal is still to grow our family, somehow. The proverbial wrench keeps jarring into our plans lately, but I guess that's the point we need to learn there is a greater, higher purpose, then OUR plans. HIS plans seem to be different from ours and excepting that is so difficult. Knowing what we are supposed to do next is the worst part. How do we differentiate between what we want, what's best for our family and what our purpose really is? How do we know? All the age old life questions that we all ask from time to time, that I just can't seem to wrap my head around any longer...
So whats next? Some ask, some want to but don't. There are days I want to ask but can't ask myself. Our goal is still to grow our family, somehow. The proverbial wrench keeps jarring into our plans lately, but I guess that's the point we need to learn there is a greater, higher purpose, then OUR plans. HIS plans seem to be different from ours and excepting that is so difficult. Knowing what we are supposed to do next is the worst part. How do we differentiate between what we want, what's best for our family and what our purpose really is? How do we know? All the age old life questions that we all ask from time to time, that I just can't seem to wrap my head around any longer...
Monday, June 9, 2008
Difficult conversations
We all have them. The ones we want to add to but just can't. I've had so many of these over the last few weeks. Summer is such a social time for us, for most people, but we definitely try to squeeze as much as we can into our summers after a long winter of being cooped up.
Social Butterfly~ I vividly remember my childhood Pastor referring to me in that way. Normally I can't wait for the next social event to be placed on our calendar, to the point of self induced ADD. This year-not so much, anxiety sets in where the joy of meeting new people used to be. One can never be sure where conversations may go, but inevitably you can be sure that in a group of mothers stories turn to pregnancy and childbirth. Oh sure, I can relate to them, and sometimes share things that occurred or that I learned with Caila. Those things I have had 9yrs to be comfortable sharing. There have been, however, moments when relative, pertinent information about Carter, pregnancy, birth, prenatal care, would fit perfectly into that conversation. That also means baring my soul, placing pain on serving tray and waiting for uncomfortable silence.
The good news is that by the time I contemplate all of this, conversation has gone elsewhere and I'm safe. That is until there is an actual elephant (a.k.a. pregnant lady in the room). Then its worse, wanting to offer advice (but I can't because I'm every mothers worst nightmare) and just plain wanting to talk about Carter to someone, because then he's touched the life of one more person.
Two random women opened the door for me to share my difficulty with in the last few weeks, and while I did get the awkward silent pause, they still let me share and on those days it made all the difference.
Social Butterfly~ I vividly remember my childhood Pastor referring to me in that way. Normally I can't wait for the next social event to be placed on our calendar, to the point of self induced ADD. This year-not so much, anxiety sets in where the joy of meeting new people used to be. One can never be sure where conversations may go, but inevitably you can be sure that in a group of mothers stories turn to pregnancy and childbirth. Oh sure, I can relate to them, and sometimes share things that occurred or that I learned with Caila. Those things I have had 9yrs to be comfortable sharing. There have been, however, moments when relative, pertinent information about Carter, pregnancy, birth, prenatal care, would fit perfectly into that conversation. That also means baring my soul, placing pain on serving tray and waiting for uncomfortable silence.
The good news is that by the time I contemplate all of this, conversation has gone elsewhere and I'm safe. That is until there is an actual elephant (a.k.a. pregnant lady in the room). Then its worse, wanting to offer advice (but I can't because I'm every mothers worst nightmare) and just plain wanting to talk about Carter to someone, because then he's touched the life of one more person.
Two random women opened the door for me to share my difficulty with in the last few weeks, and while I did get the awkward silent pause, they still let me share and on those days it made all the difference.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Six months and I'm still counting.....
Its hard to believe we are standing here 6 months from the worst day of our lives. Rob and I talked today and it just feels like an alternate life now. We have all moved through many stages of grief.
Here are just a few examples:
The day my parents went home and we stopped to Christmas shop and Caila tried to throw herself in front of the (proverbial) "moving car" that was a newborn baby, because my then 8yr old wanted to save me from any more pain, or the day I had my nails done before going back to work and when asked how many children I have I paused and boldly said 2, then to last weekend where we can now thoroughly enjoy our nearly 7month old nephew/cousin.
Many, many stages of emotions have come somewhere between all those moments. But somehow we are still standing. Heading into summer renews the sense of loss as I would have been home with both of our kids, doing the things that all the Mom's do in the warm weather. Instead now I try and make time to get to the cemetery, which happens so much less frequently then I would like, I hope that Carter understands. So much has changed in 6months that in one breathe seems forever and in others the blink of any eye.
Caila started a random conversation the other day about how she misses Carter and how much she wanted to be a sister and as the moment progressed I saw how much she has grown, both physically and emotionally, most of her words I will keep to forever cherish in the Mom vault. I will however share with you what I found so very poignant.... Friends and family member have graciously given us some beautiful keepsakes to remember our boy we cherish them all, to which Caila thought "Mommy even though we can't see him, he brought so many Angels to our house"..... I sure hope they stay, because I know they've had to carry us all from time to time....
Here are just a few examples:
The day my parents went home and we stopped to Christmas shop and Caila tried to throw herself in front of the (proverbial) "moving car" that was a newborn baby, because my then 8yr old wanted to save me from any more pain, or the day I had my nails done before going back to work and when asked how many children I have I paused and boldly said 2, then to last weekend where we can now thoroughly enjoy our nearly 7month old nephew/cousin.
Many, many stages of emotions have come somewhere between all those moments. But somehow we are still standing. Heading into summer renews the sense of loss as I would have been home with both of our kids, doing the things that all the Mom's do in the warm weather. Instead now I try and make time to get to the cemetery, which happens so much less frequently then I would like, I hope that Carter understands. So much has changed in 6months that in one breathe seems forever and in others the blink of any eye.
Caila started a random conversation the other day about how she misses Carter and how much she wanted to be a sister and as the moment progressed I saw how much she has grown, both physically and emotionally, most of her words I will keep to forever cherish in the Mom vault. I will however share with you what I found so very poignant.... Friends and family member have graciously given us some beautiful keepsakes to remember our boy we cherish them all, to which Caila thought "Mommy even though we can't see him, he brought so many Angels to our house"..... I sure hope they stay, because I know they've had to carry us all from time to time....
Sunday, June 1, 2008
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