Five.
It was also a Thursday. I still don't remember the weather day.
Five years is a milestone birthday the kind where you prepare for Kindergarten orientation in the spring.
A lot of life has passed in the mancave in 5 yrs.
We are preparing to move from the house where dreams of Carter began, and too quickly ended. S & K do not yet know of the brother they never knew, C still counts the days on the calendar. That may be the part that still stings the most, that I wasn't able to shield her from feeling that pain.
There were days that I looked around to see the babies of friends and family that I had shared a pregnancy with and I would be sad. Now it warms heart to see how they are growing, and give them an extra big hug.
Our hearts have been filled, and the ache has diminished, but we will never forget.
There are Angel Mom's out there with arms that still ache to be filled, and I pray for you everyday!
I searched through some of my older posts to see where my heart is now compared to where it was, and its cathartic to see the emotion behind my words change through the years.
As you go through your Christmas activities and maybe come across the not so helpful person, maybe this is their year of struggle, there vision of the good clouded by their pain and personal struggle. Smile and wave, you'll be remembered as someone who showed them kindness when it wasn't asked.
Happy 5th Birthday Little man, I hope its a great big party!
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Happy Birthday Carter
Four years ago…. Where has the time gone? Life looks so different for us now. Carter taught us so much about ourselves, that one day changed everything for us.
We will never forget, and the pain sucked until one day it didn’t so much, There is so much I could say but all that matters is that we can see the why now, and that We chose to be Coffee….
A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her.She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling.It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.Her mother took her to the kitchen.She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil.In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans.She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners.She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl.She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl.Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.''Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft.The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it.After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled eggFinally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee.The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water.Each reacted differently.The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting.However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak The egg had been fragile.Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.The ground coffee beans were unique, however.After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.'Which are you?' she asked her daughter.'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond?Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?Think of this:Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat?Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff?Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?Or am I like the coffee bean?The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain.When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor.If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level?How do you handle adversity?Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes a long their way.The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
We will never forget, and the pain sucked until one day it didn’t so much, There is so much I could say but all that matters is that we can see the why now, and that We chose to be Coffee….
A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her.She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling.It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.Her mother took her to the kitchen.She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil.In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans.She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners.She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl.She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl.Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.''Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft.The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it.After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled eggFinally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee.The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water.Each reacted differently.The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting.However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak The egg had been fragile.Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.The ground coffee beans were unique, however.After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.'Which are you?' she asked her daughter.'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond?Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?Think of this:Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat?Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff?Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?Or am I like the coffee bean?The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain.When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor.If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level?How do you handle adversity?Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes a long their way.The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
I don't remember.....
the weather that day, two years ago.
except I remember darkness, and the feeling of time completely standing still, wondering if I would ever feel anything else again.
Anything other then the hole that was punched completely through all of us.
Then I remember light.
Someone brushed up against the black curtains in the hospital room letting light in and until that point I didn't have any sense of time. But I couldn't understand why it was sunny. Why on earth could the sun still be in the sky when all I could feel was darkness that I was certain at that moment would never leave....
Caila asked me a few days ago if I remembered it was almost Carters Birthday, I know honey, was all I could say.
I know.
He would be walking-no running, and talking and who knows what else right now.
I know.
Some people say memories fade over time and the pain goes away.
They haven't and it doesn't.
I remember every moment of December 6, 2007, every word, and feeling cold. I don't think I've really ever felt warm since.
That's OK.
The cold forces me to keep moving.
To find my purpose, his purpose in being given to us for just a moment.
I never would have gone back to school, or stopped to really look at Carter's sister for who she is and what she could become.
We would not have embarked on this next part of our Journey.
We would have assumed we had the perfect family. Perfect Family of 4, in the middle of suburbia. We would have been complacent.
Maybe that was Carters gift, pushing us forward to something bigger.
Maybe,
But I'd still like to think we could have done "Bigger and Better" with him here. .... but maybe this holds true somehow
"The deeper sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain." – Kahlil Gibran
Happy Birthday to our Angel Baby
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Cleansing
We are moving forward.... Not for one moment will we ever forget you Carter, but we are moving forward, toward what we feel is the gift you gave us. The gift of loving a child we don't yet know. We know we can do that because we have loved you daily and never really had the chance to know you, you taught us that.
This weekend has been about cleaning, organizing our home in preparation for our Home Study. It has however for me as I come across items to organize clean or throw away, been about cleansing. The medication manuals, Insurance forms, charts, bills, all the things I've come across that still pain me to see, and probably always will, but purging or packing away, has been such a healing process. One that has enabled me to truly feel glimmers of the old me, and really release the weight from my chest.
This weekend has been about cleaning, organizing our home in preparation for our Home Study. It has however for me as I come across items to organize clean or throw away, been about cleansing. The medication manuals, Insurance forms, charts, bills, all the things I've come across that still pain me to see, and probably always will, but purging or packing away, has been such a healing process. One that has enabled me to truly feel glimmers of the old me, and really release the weight from my chest.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Carrot, Egg or Coffee.....
I "visited" Tyler's Mom today.
Tyler is one of Carter's Friends, I've never actually met her, someday I'd like to.
I needed this today.
A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her.
She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling.
It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen.
She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil.
In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans.
She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners.
She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl.
She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl.
Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.
''Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft.
The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it.
After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled eggFinally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee.
The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.
The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water.
Each reacted differently.
The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting.
However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak The egg had been fragile.
Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.
The ground coffee beans were unique, however.
After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.'Which are you?' she asked her daughter.
'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond?
Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Think of this:
Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat?
Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff?
Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean?
The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain.
When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor.
If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.
When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level?
How do you handle adversity?
Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes a long their way.
The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
Today I wanted to be the Carrot, not willing to face the world. I hope tomorrow I can be the Coffee. After all I really like Coffee.
Thank you Tyler's Mommy for Sharing this with me.
Tyler is one of Carter's Friends, I've never actually met her, someday I'd like to.
I needed this today.
A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her.
She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling.
It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen.
She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil.
In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans.
She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners.
She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl.
She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl.
Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.
''Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft.
The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it.
After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled eggFinally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee.
The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.
The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water.
Each reacted differently.
The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting.
However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak The egg had been fragile.
Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.
The ground coffee beans were unique, however.
After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.'Which are you?' she asked her daughter.
'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond?
Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Think of this:
Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat?
Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff?
Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean?
The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain.
When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor.
If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.
When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level?
How do you handle adversity?
Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes a long their way.
The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
Today I wanted to be the Carrot, not willing to face the world. I hope tomorrow I can be the Coffee. After all I really like Coffee.
Thank you Tyler's Mommy for Sharing this with me.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Answering the silent questions...
I've asked myself a million times a day ( maybe a trillion-since that's what our national deficit will look like shortly I'll use that Trillion) in the last 13 months and 1 day, when, how should we conceive another baby. I use "conceive" and not "have" as most would, because we have never had the luxury of assuming conception, and we now do not have the luxury of assuming positive outcome of actually bringing home a living, breathing baby. So We've asked ourselves this question many times, I'm sure you the reader, our friends and family has asked and most of you have soooooo lovingly and politely not asked. So for you, but really for me~ because "writing" it all down truly has a healing power for me. So I'll ask the question no wants to ask... least of all me because I really don't know the answer....
Will you try again?
Grief does strange things to a mind. At first in the immediate moments of loss all I wanted was a baby, any baby no- I really just wanted Carter right then and there. Still though I wanted to have a baby as soon as physically possible. We had miraculously gotten pregnant with our beautiful boy, it would happen just as easily once again? right? The "curse" of my broken body was gone. Or so I thought. Once the Dr's were ok with our healing process, and we were given what infertiles know so well as the "green light" terror, fear and panic consumed me. Assuming as said above that pregnancy would occur easily I also knew the happy go luckily glow of pregnancy would never again be for me.
Apprehension, and fear pushed aside we went ahead. F.ollis.tim Cycle #1 OHSS followed by an ovarian cyst. Cycle #2 cancelled aforementioned cyst was here to stay. Cycle #3 Cyst gone hormones out of whack, even for me. All of these things occurred with the same physician we had dedicated ourselves to for the last 8yrs and in the same hospital where we lost son. If you have never had to use medication to conceive, your blessed, but to make you aware this meant driving and walking into the hospital where I had to leave my baby and come home from empty handed, every other morning for 2-3WKS straight. We finally said enough.
Summer was upon us lets take a break, maybe I'd lose some weight (nope that didn't happen either) or at least we would enjoy our beautiful short warmth in PA. The much needed break led us to a Dr in our own backyard that we never knew existed. Had I met him 8yrs ago as a "baby" in the land of secondary infertility, I would have run screaming for the hills. His bedside manner leaves much to be desired. But we are pros at this now and I don't need a hand holder any more. Besides the best Dr. in the world that I would want to hold my hand through this is 3,000 miles away, in the backyard of my hometown.
Dr. T as we will call him, didn't see any reason that we wouldn't have success quickly. At least that's what I heard in my optimist mind. Yes, surprisingly the optimist in me has hung around some, more subdued, but still there. Cycle #1 w/ Dr. T nothing. Cycle #2 we decided to do IUI- and yes yet again nothing. Frustration mounts, I walk in the office to begin Cycle #3 and there is a mix up with my appointment time and they ask me to return the following day. That mix up immediately becoming my saving grace. I didn't want to do that next cycle and when she asked to reschedule me I just looked at the poor young clueless never been through infertility land receptionist- and said no you can't I'm not coming in this month. I felt as if the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulders.
We had really at the point decided to be done for 2008, enjoy the holidays without adding any stress, but then I just felt we had one more month left in us, finish the year out on a good not start out the new one with a huge celebration. We told friends neighbors, asked for prayer wherever possible, I just had a good feeling about this month.
Apparently, we don't have to worry about my clairvoyance. I don't have the gift. Totally missed the mark on whatever I was feeling that was positive this month. Because still no pregnancy to announce.
So here I sit 13months later, with a daughter whose now 10, a baby that I should be rocking to sleep, who instead rocks in heaven, and no answer as to why we are still and yet again unable to conceive.
So now we are at a crossroads........ and I'm thinking we will choose the road less traveled...
Will you try again?
Grief does strange things to a mind. At first in the immediate moments of loss all I wanted was a baby, any baby no- I really just wanted Carter right then and there. Still though I wanted to have a baby as soon as physically possible. We had miraculously gotten pregnant with our beautiful boy, it would happen just as easily once again? right? The "curse" of my broken body was gone. Or so I thought. Once the Dr's were ok with our healing process, and we were given what infertiles know so well as the "green light" terror, fear and panic consumed me. Assuming as said above that pregnancy would occur easily I also knew the happy go luckily glow of pregnancy would never again be for me.
Apprehension, and fear pushed aside we went ahead. F.ollis.tim Cycle #1 OHSS followed by an ovarian cyst. Cycle #2 cancelled aforementioned cyst was here to stay. Cycle #3 Cyst gone hormones out of whack, even for me. All of these things occurred with the same physician we had dedicated ourselves to for the last 8yrs and in the same hospital where we lost son. If you have never had to use medication to conceive, your blessed, but to make you aware this meant driving and walking into the hospital where I had to leave my baby and come home from empty handed, every other morning for 2-3WKS straight. We finally said enough.
Summer was upon us lets take a break, maybe I'd lose some weight (nope that didn't happen either) or at least we would enjoy our beautiful short warmth in PA. The much needed break led us to a Dr in our own backyard that we never knew existed. Had I met him 8yrs ago as a "baby" in the land of secondary infertility, I would have run screaming for the hills. His bedside manner leaves much to be desired. But we are pros at this now and I don't need a hand holder any more. Besides the best Dr. in the world that I would want to hold my hand through this is 3,000 miles away, in the backyard of my hometown.
Dr. T as we will call him, didn't see any reason that we wouldn't have success quickly. At least that's what I heard in my optimist mind. Yes, surprisingly the optimist in me has hung around some, more subdued, but still there. Cycle #1 w/ Dr. T nothing. Cycle #2 we decided to do IUI- and yes yet again nothing. Frustration mounts, I walk in the office to begin Cycle #3 and there is a mix up with my appointment time and they ask me to return the following day. That mix up immediately becoming my saving grace. I didn't want to do that next cycle and when she asked to reschedule me I just looked at the poor young clueless never been through infertility land receptionist- and said no you can't I'm not coming in this month. I felt as if the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulders.
We had really at the point decided to be done for 2008, enjoy the holidays without adding any stress, but then I just felt we had one more month left in us, finish the year out on a good not start out the new one with a huge celebration. We told friends neighbors, asked for prayer wherever possible, I just had a good feeling about this month.
Apparently, we don't have to worry about my clairvoyance. I don't have the gift. Totally missed the mark on whatever I was feeling that was positive this month. Because still no pregnancy to announce.
So here I sit 13months later, with a daughter whose now 10, a baby that I should be rocking to sleep, who instead rocks in heaven, and no answer as to why we are still and yet again unable to conceive.
So now we are at a crossroads........ and I'm thinking we will choose the road less traveled...
Saturday, January 3, 2009
The year without Carter
The second half of 2007 was about being pregnant with Carter, growing him safely, to get him here in 2008. 2007 ended being about his death. 2008 should have been about his birth, firsts, and becoming a family of four. 2008 became first about survival, then learning to go forward with a hole in our hearts. And finding out who we were on the other side.
2009 is the first year without Carter. Of course there are milestones we should be marking, there always will be, but this year is different. Maybe a time to take one more step forward, embracing who we are now, not trying to get back to who we were before Dec 6 2007, just being OK with the me now.
Choices to be made.
2009 is the first year without Carter. Of course there are milestones we should be marking, there always will be, but this year is different. Maybe a time to take one more step forward, embracing who we are now, not trying to get back to who we were before Dec 6 2007, just being OK with the me now.
Choices to be made.
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