It's Monday....

Warning~ The following is a vent from yesterday~ I wasn't going to post it but then I thought, why am I "editing" my feelings....
Nothing really earth shattering going on in my Brain today. Well except for the minor almost nervous breakdown about the current shape of my boday today. Years of infertility kept me at a very average slightly comfortable place with my body. I couldnt' have babies so at least I could be thin. All my friends were having babies, the one thing I could do was try to exercise and stay healthy. Now closing in on 4months later I have no baby but all this baby fat, and still I can't find that motivation to put back on my running shoes and actually run. I know I hold the "power" but am choosing not to use it. As if I am telling my body "you failed me" so now I am going to fail you. you didnt do what was expected of you, so don't expect me to do anything for you. Me the Marathon girl, who would get up at the crack of dawn just to squeeze in a run, when now I only make it to the mailbox a few times a week. I need to find my motivation again....and I know where it went, its with the other half of my heart.

When the end, ends up being the beginning...

Friday March 28. Nothing really exceptional about today, it dreary, yet warmish.(at least warmish to me after what seemed like the longest winter) Nothing now anyway. See today was supposed to be exceptional. Today if life should have played out the way it was meant too, today should have been my last day at work. Not just my last day before Maternity Leave, my last day. We had decided as a family that I would stay home with our Daugther and newborn son. Sunday I should be 37 weeks pregnant, which is the same gestational age at which Caila was born. I had the first of April in my mind all along, not really thinking that Carter and I would make it much farther.

Some days I can lose myself in my work and not really over analyze my existance there too much, and they have really been more then kind and truly patient. The reality is I know I can give more, and they know it. At what point do I begin to expect more of myself again? Allow myself to be productive, creative and accomplish without feeling the pain of this really isnt how my life is supposed to be.

Back to the Beginning

Our Journey from Caila to Carter and everything in between is such a long story it could fill a novel. A very long boring novel of medical tests, tears, frustrations, surgeries, more tears, more frustration....you get the idea. Don't get me wrong we love our beautiful daughter and realize that some may not ever have the chance to be parents. But I/we have always known that our family was not complete. There is still room in our home and hearts to love and parent. My Mom told Caila the story early in Carters pregnancy about a friend who was much older when a sibling was born and how she called the baby "her baby". In some ways Carter really was Caila's baby. As much as my driving force over the last 7yrs has been to grow our family it has also been driven by the desire for Caila to be a Sister. As parents we strive to give our children something that we didn't have. For some it's a home in the country away from the city life they knew as a child, others a stable family because they came from broken homes. For me, I need Caila to be a sister so here we are in the week we should be preparing for the arrival of our son, going back to the beginning.

Monday I went back to the RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) to find out what our new table of contents might be. -Taking the elevator back to the 5Th floor was not an easy task. Knowing that when I left their Hershey Bar in hand proclaiming my Due Date and the smiles and hugs from nurses that had treated me for so long, and knowing that going back there was going to be the opposite. Quick hello's followed by a glance away-. Side note- I have been a patient there for so long that the day of my very first appointment a new Medical Assistant was day 1 on the job, he is now the Practice Manager. --

Obviously with only 2 babies in 10yrs not for lack of trying this book isn't an easy read. The most frustrating is that even though our Official diagnosis for Carter's pre-term birth is Placental Abruption, we can't seem to get all three of my Doctors to agree that this is truly why our son isnt in our arms today. The best that I can wrap my head around is that because I like to beat the odds ( and not in a good way) there is some kind of fluke where the two conditions that caused Pre-term labor occurred together. The Doctors at MFM (Maternal-Fetal Medicine) feel strongly that the Abruption is the cause. However, my RE & Ashermans Doctors seem to feel that IC (Incompetent Cervix) and a combination of the Abruption are to blame. The problem is that IC is somewhat treatable, and a Cerclage , could very well have saved Carter and I've really done a pretty good job at ignoring the what ifs (denial is my friend) and I really don't want to go there, really ever. But at the same time I am okay with having a Dr. that is willing to be thorough so that going forward with whatever the future holds we will know, maybe something. There are more tests to be run just to rule out everything. We don't know what the rest of this year will hold, If I look back on last year the beginning and end seemed to occur in different galaxies. Today they only thing I know is that I should be starting Maternity leave @ 3pm on Friday......How quickly things change.

Was it really a "morning like this"?

This has been a week...A week of trying, trying to live again, to celebrate the things that I would normally celebrate. But then I realized, I've not really celebrated since the day many years ago we knew that the dream of a large family may never happen. I changed then, I've changed again now.

Tomorrow is Easter, celebration of new life, new beginnings, the celebration of Christs' death and resurrection. I have a new admiration for Mary, and her life and what she went through. I wish there was more of her story. And so I wonder for Her was it really the celebratory morning that we are Biblically taught? I have to wonder if it wasn't' more bittersweet. Not only did she raise the Savior of the world but she watched him her SON die knowing he could have stopped it and did nothing to deserve it. Was she angry? Did she go home and smash all her plates? Did she hold onto her other children more or push them away or somewhere in between? Did she try to barter with GOD?
I've struggled with the what ifs of Carter, could they have saved him what did they miss? Did I have the best care? What did I do wrong? But Mary had no what ifs HE could have saved himself, He did no wrong, He had the power. If someone had been in the delivery room when Carter was born with the ability to save him and said no because there were other plans...... Convince me just doesn't seem adequate.

Tomorrow we will go to church, go to a beautiful breakfast, continue our Easter traditions and then add a new one, visit the cemetery. I haven't been in awhile a fact I'm beginning to come to terms with, I had visions of peaceful visitations on a more frequent basis, and its just not really worked out that way. But tomorrow we will go, take Carter and PapaBacon their Easter Flowers and maybe a bunny. So different.

15weeks....but whose counting...

Today marks 15wks since we held our son, 15wks since we heard and watched Carter's little heart beat, 15weeks since I've held his tiny hands. That also means that not only is his estimated due date 5wks away but in that same amount of time Carter will have been with us for as long as he's had his angel wings.

I read this morning a story about a women overhearing a conversation where the mother of a daughter who lost a baby to stillbirth was complaining that here daughter was not yet "over" the loss. So many things came to mind, not the least of was:

"Thank you God for Rob and I have been blessed with incredibly wonderful parents who have been nothing but supportive no matter how distant our grief may seem to push us." We will never be over the death of our son, some days we may seem like ourselves, but we really are not, and never will be. I don't think the pain will ever go away, we are just starting to get used to it. Don't get me wrong, I have my brave days. The days where I am car-crash girl-looking at, watching or actively participating in the things that make my heart ache, but I have to in order to know that life can be good. I have to in order to instill in my daughter that no matter what you can move forward, not move on, but move forward, because they are two completely different ideas.

Two new babies have come into the world in the last 24hrs, and their safe peaceful entry into the world gives me hope.

"Hope" is the thing with feathers-- That perches in the soul-- And sings the tune without the words-- And never stops--at all-- Emily Dickenson

If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream.-- Martin Luther King, Jr

What Makes a Mother?

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes; and prayed to God today I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard him say.. A Mother has a baby, this we know is true. But God can you be a Mother, when your baby's not with you?
Yes you can, he replied with confidence in his voice I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime; and others for a day And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here He took a breath and cleared his throat; and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today If you could see your child smile with other kids and say "We go to earth to learn our lessons of Love and Life and Fear, My Mommy Loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here..
I feel so lucky to have a Mom, who had so much love for me I learned my lesson very quickly, My mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much but I visit her each day when she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek; and whisper in her ear Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here." So you see my dear sweet one, your children are okay Your babies are here in my home; And this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with me, until your lesson is through And on the day that you come home; they'll be at the gates for you.
So, now you see what makes a Mother, it's the feeling in your heart It's the Love you had so much of; right from the very start.
By Jennifer Wasik.

We've been held.....

Today has not been a A+ day for me. I've felt edgy,irritable and basically hateful. We did manage to go to church today, but I didn't want to be there. Rob could do nothing right all the way down to the way he loaded the groceries in the car. So when we made it home I needed to mellow. Caila and I have made a project of finding music for our blog. Today while searching for something to take the edge of we came across "Held" we hope you like it as much as we do.

“Held”
by
Natalie Grant

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

Stepping onto My Soap Box!!!!!!

This blog if you haven't noticed is my journal. My thoughts, my memories, my feelings. Tonight, Carter I hope you don't mind I need to have a soap box.

Our journey to Carter begins with the first breath of Caila. To be able to properly get onto my soap box I need to give some background. My pregnancy with Caila was the exact opposite of my pregnancy with Carter, no worries no High Risk Doctors,no complications, or so we thought. Most likely there were symptoms overlooked during the last few weeks of what was otherwise a textbook pregnancy. All of this led to a life-saving yet life-altering D&C performed 10days after Caila's delivery in 1999. Hit the fast forward to late 2001 and a diagnosis of Asherman's Syndrome begins our journey to grow our family. Fast forward again to July 2007 and a beating the odds pregnancy (after 7 surgeries flying to California twice, and meds that normally take a year to work) with our beautiful baby boy and again to December 6 2007 to a much to soon goodbye.

Here is where my Soapbox begins: There is a new show on Fox that has been recently reviewed by an entertainment reporter for the NY TIMES (a newspaper probably just as credible and unbiased as the large West Coast paper of my native state). In this article the entertainment reporter-(why on earth is she making any judgement at all on things medical someone please tell me) discusses a character on said show who reportedly has Asherman's. Great, I thought exposure for a very treatable yet highly undiagnosed syndrome. Then I continued reading, not so great, quite frankly completely infuriating to the point of madness. Really. She relates the character on the show that cannot become pregnant due to Asherman's to a "women that didn't pay attention during sex ed or someone suffering because of their mistakes". I really can't imagine anyone writing this type of misinformation about anything really without creating a riot. So I wrote, OK, typed an email and here it is :


My name is Brandee Rentz, I am a 29 year old Wife and Mother that was diagnosed with Asherman's Syndrome 7yrs ago. The cause of my AS was not due to my lack of "paying attention" during sex ed, or my penance as you call it for my prior mistakes. My Asherman's was caused by a botched yet life saving D&C performed 10days following the birth of our beautiful daughter. We were not aware at the time that my future fertility had been nearly taken away nor were we aware of the journey we would soon begin. My journey with Asherman's has not only affected me physically but the lives of everyone around us.
The article you wrote I do realize was based on the review of a television show produced for the purpose of entertaining us. However as you mention in your article Asherman's is rare, and in many cases not properly diagnosed. I would hate for a women looking for answers to her physical symptoms (which can rage anywhere from light periods to debilitating pain that keeps you in bed for days) to have read your article or watch this horrific show to sideline her concerns based on feelings that arise due to the wording of your poorly researched article.
There are so many, many, beautiful, intelligent, blessed woman that suffer from this life altering condition known as Asherman's Syndrome I would urge you or someone at your "world renowned" publication to follow up with real research and real facts, from real patients and Doctors. I would be more then happy to assist you or any of your colleagues with correct information or to point you in the direction of the world class physicians that treat all of us "woman suffering from our prior mistakes."


I'm not holding my breath for a response but the alternative was drive to NY and knock on her office door.....I thought maybe this was better.

The fog is thinning

Another week, another Thursday has passed and we are standing on the other side. We all have began to see glimmers of hope in our life as a family and whatever the future may bring. The fog that we normally have to cut through with a chainsaw has started to thin and on somedays we can even push it back for a bit like a curtain, the curtain eventually falls closed again, but it feels made of linen these days as opposed to 10,000 ton boulders. Don't get me wrong we miss our Son, Caila desperately misses her brother (in art class yesterday she made a poster for Angels) and we always will.
One of Caila's cheer coaches said to me last night "you know she has started to smile again". I both wanted to cry and rejoice at the same time. Knowing that others notice a change in her as well my heart was broken for her all over again, but inspired but her strength.

Retail Therapy......Literally

Weeks ago, which seems odd to say because things seem so recent yet so far, I was shopping with my sister-In-law and found this beautiful Angel Garden Statue. It was one of an Angel with a little boy holding a basketball. I knew I wanted it at that moment, Jenn even encouraged me to buy it,for whatever reason that day I didn't.
Today Caila and I had a girl's day out for some fun shopping. We were walking by the store and I thought "Let's go see if they still have it". So in we went, wandered through the entire store and I could not find it. On our way out feeling dejected I came across the last one in the store and I knew it had to be mine. There was no bar code on it so as I stepped to the register the manager remarked as to how the store had a few other Angel items and how much she loved the one I was about to purchase. "I have an Angel Garden in my backyard in memory of my two children that died." I looked up at her and just began to cry, and the next thing I know Caila and I are standing in the middle of this store crying with this woman whose name I never did ask telling her the story of Carter. Not detailed, just he was my son and he's gone. She came around the desk and we hugged and she told me it was years since she lost her children and reminded me that a piece of my heart would always be missing.
From there we went into the children's store that I had been working in on a per diem basis. A place I have not even stepped foot in since Dec. 6Th, but it became so evident that we were being led places today. The manager of the store knew of our loss and she reminded me that she too had lost a sibling at the age of 9, a sister. Her words were so kind and encouraging. She vividly remembers the loss of her sister
and told me how she has carried this through her life, not as a burden or sorrow but a way to have a heart for people because even at 9 she began to understand what it takes so many a lifetime to know.
Caila and I had a great afternoon, I think we both felt surrounded by Angels......and that was better therapy then any session on a couch.

Angelversary

Dear Carter,

I cannot believe that it has been three months. There are so many things we wanted show you, so many things Caila was longing to teach you. Even though you were only with us growing for 5 months I have so many memories of you. The day we knew for sure we pregnant, the first time we saw and heard your tiny heart beat. Hearing the song Halelujah and being filled with tears of joy because after so many years our family was going to grow. There are so many more happy, joy filled memories and I remember more of them everyday. Somedays its just to hard though and I can only remember the pain of realizing that your life was going to be cut short as we listened to your heart beat in the short hours we were in the hospital before you were born. Knowing that I would never get to feel your heart beat against mine, or watch you breath as you slept like we did so many times when your big Sister was a baby.

So many of the friends you would have had are being born and I pray that you will keep watch over them as they grow throughout the lifetime you would have shared. I have also sadly had the opportunity to meet some of the parents of your angel friends, there are so many. I wish so much that you all would have had the opportunity to grow up with your families, but I can only imagine what heaven must be like for you. Caila prays for you every night and probably all day. The big Sister is supposed to teach so much to the little brother, and yet because of you we have learned so much about your big Sister. You have taught us all so much. One day I will tell you all of what we have learned, the strength you have given us. For now I hope that you know much we Love You, how much we miss you, and how much all of our arms ache to hold you.

Love,

Mommy, Daddy and Big Sister Caila

I spoke with my child today.....

There is a new link where you can visit I spoke with my child today.....Just a warning have tissues handy.

NBC Today Show Story.....

Photographs have always been important to me. I say photograph rather then pictures because the words to me have different meanings. Pictures are something you look at, Photos tell a story.

As we began our journey of pregnancy with Carter I was determined to have a photo journal of every week as he grew, and of Caila as she grew along with him. I had dreams of those beautiful black and white belly pictures with all of us. Then of course our family picture, a picture that would finally be completed by the birth of our son. So many of the pictures were never to be.... but thanks to a wonderful nurse and caring staff at the hospital we have some of the most beautiful and yet heart wrenching pictures we could have never asked for. I would be lost without the pictures of our son. Yet there are so many families that are never given the option and years down the road wish they did. Because of this a family who also lost a baby started a ministry called "NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP" and they were featured on the today show this morning. I was not aware of them in the hourse spent in the hospital with Carter and I wish I had been, please pass this story along so other families may have photographs to tell the story of the child missing from the pictures.

"http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22425001/vp/23481435#23481435"

Away from home

We did it this weekend, we left our home and packed up for a few days for Caila's cheerleading competition. We left and tried to have a weekend where we aren't people who have half of their heart missing. It was a great effort on our parts, but we will forever be missing a part of our heart. We socialized and made small talk, I even tried to be fun, (which really didn't work out too well, I guess the fun me won't quite ever be back). Truly though it all sucks, for everyone involved. Everyone wants to ask, but really doesn't want too, I noticed on so many faces this weekend sorrow, and it was directed at me. So many mom's had babies in slings or babies still growing waiting to make their appearance I just wonder when we will get our turn.