Quiet Days

The blog is quiet these days. May is a crazy time of year, especially when you have an elementary school child. I often sit at these events wondering how it would have worked out to be toting our beautiful boy around to all these outings, and so wishing we were. But at the same time I find myself to be ok, and wanting to share with all of you some of these wonderful events. However, this is Carters blog. A place for us to come and remember, to openly touch the missing piece of our hearts, and sadly for those who have also left a hospital without their beautiful babies, a place for comfort to know that you can move forward no matter how badly it sucks to do so! Because of all of this a new blog is under construction, one that will be about our family moving forward whatever that may mean..... so stay tuned.......

Motivation

This week has been a tough week for so many that I know. Today was not an especially pleasant day today, so when when a friend posted this today, it was just what I needed. Motivation, a reason to keep breathing in and out, placing one foot in front of the other. I hope you like it as much as I do.

C.W. Longenecker:
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low, and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit,

Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As everyone of us sometimes learns,

And many a failure turns about,

when he might have won had he stuck it out;

Don't give up though the pace seems slow,

You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out,

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell how close you are,

It may be near when it seems so far;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,

It's when things seem their worst that you mustn't quit!

Deep Thoughts.....

can consume you like ocean waves.
Much like my memory of watching my Dad in full scuba gear (looking very much like an alien that I was sure would eat him once he entered the water, even though I had not yet seen the movie Abyss) My memory is of standing on the sand watching him wade into the water- and then screaming. I'm not really sure if that's what actually happened, but that's my story and I'm stick in' to it. The point is that the Deep thoughts if you give in to them, consume you. However, if you push them away you haven't gained anything by whatever experience has occurred. For some its losing a job, others fighting Cancer, for us it was losing our son.
The early weeks it was all I could do. Stare at my computer, find out the why, more importantly find the how to stop it. Like with any good burst of enthusiasm the light bulb quickly burns out. I had to stop let it go a bit, back away, before it~the pain,agony and grief~pulled me completely under. Somewhat like teaching a child to swim in the ocean, you want them to know it, feel it experience it, but have a healthy fear all at the same time. Inevitably a wave will wash right over their heads at least once. They run away, but they always come back. I'm finding my pain and grief to be that way these days. Some days I want to face it head on, dive right in, others I just want to pretend its not there. But then what? I don't question why us, why our family, I don't question why God would let this happen (he doesn't pain is a product of a fallen world) My question is What?. For me. What am I supposed to do with this? How do I not live the same way I did before?
Then there are days when frivolity comes at the perfect moment to just give my mind a break. Like sitting on the couch with Caila making friendship bracelets, or string rings as she discovered last night. Moments like those make it easier to breath for a second until I realize that its just one more moment that I won't be able to duplicate with Carter.

Mothers Day!!!!

Happy Mothers Day to all the Mothers! Especially to our Mom's and Grandmothers. It seems I had mentally blocked the day so cards and things will be arriving late.
The weather is cold and cool here, a great way to keep a somber mood on a day you aren't sure how to feel. I am blessed as a woman to be a Mother to Caila. She is our first miracle baby without her today would just be an ordinary day. My heart feels unsure of what to feel today, because there is an overwhelming sadness that I don't have both of my babies to celebrate with today, but also grateful that I am Caila's mother. I hope that you all have a day that makes you look back and smile fondly.

Five Months...

We held him as long as he has now been gone. I know we didn't get to to hold him for 5months, but we did. We held him for merely hours, but he was ours part of us, part of me, physically for 5months. Carter will always be ours, but the gone part will now begin to be more then the Held part.

Some parents start to think of what their babies would be doing today had they lived. There are days when I think of this but its a difficult path. According to Fisher-Price if Carter were 5months old today these are the things he would be able to accomplish:

Roll from his tummy to his back.
Stationary objects are now much clearer but he still prefers strong contrasts, sharp edges and bright colors.
He smiles at other babies, especially the one in the mirror.
His hands are open and he reaches out to touch and grasp.

As much as I truly think of December 6Th as His birthday, I also realize that had he lived through delivery, he wouldn't truly be 5months. He would be an adjusted age based on 20wks 4days gestation and his EDD. Most Dr's and medical journals will tell you that 26wks gestation is considered viable with a positive outcome. I have been thinking about 5months and wondered if any babies as young as Carter have managed somehow to live. Although I did not find any documentation of a 20week Baby, I did manage to find documentation of a 21week old baby girl born in Florida that weighed 1lb at birth (Carter weighed 14 1/2 ounces) that lived, and there was a beautiful picture of her and her mother when she had reached 5lbs. (what Caila weighed at birth). The article went on to say that someday they expect to be able to save babies as young as 20wks by use of an artificial placenta in a womb like incubator. Someday, to late for Carter, but not soon enough to save other families from the heartache of loss.

Five months have passed, it seems long yet short. The long straight path we thought we were on ( much like an Ohio road) has turned into a winding, curvy mountain (think Mullhulland Drive in California) that we are trying to find they to the top. Summer plans have become bittersweet, on some days more bitter then sweet. Through it all we still have each other, great families, Amazing friends-both new and old- and a beautiful 9yr old daughter that is wise beyond her years (some days) because of what her baby brother taught her. All of this in just Five months....

Welcome to Holland

It seems that some of the immediate, gut wrenching pain has dissipated. We do truly live more these days. I've even had the ability to have long phone conversations with friends again. Sometimes I still feel numb like I'm not really sure where am though, so when I came across this today poem/essay today it just fits.

Welcome to Holland

I am often asked to describe the experience, to help others understand it, to imagine how it would feel. Well, it’s like this…

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks, and you make your make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, Michelangelo’s David, the gondolas in Venice. You may even learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags, and off you go. Several hours later, the plane is preparing to land. And as the plane is landing, the pilot makes an announcement: “Welcome to Holland.”

“Holland ?!?!” you say. “What do you mean, Holland? I signed up to go to Italy! All of my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy!”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve taken you to Holland, and there you must stay. The important thing, however, is that haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would have never met.

It’s really just a difference place. It’s slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there been a while, you’ll catch your breath. And then you’ll look around and notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy going to and from Italy, and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful place it is. And for the rest of your life, you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. Italy is what I had planned.”

The pain of that will never, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special and very lovely things about Holland.

Rocky Mountain News, October 29, 1990