2nd Opinions or 2nd Guessing?

This week I went to see yet another Doctor. Partly because we just are not ready to say we are done yet, and partly because I think when longer then 3wks go between Dr's appointments for me I start to go through withdrawel.
We discussed all the normal issues required with new patient appointments and then we discussed Carter. I knew we would, he is forever part of our story. I had thought I had prepared myself for the possibilities. Most of the conversation was based in medical thoughts, but the moment he said " Your loss is puzzling, because with all your other issues one wouldnt expect a loss at 20weeks, 12weeks maybe but certainly not at 20! " I felt like the stunned boxer that was thought to be down for the count then slowly getting up feels stablized when POW, down you go again.
This will be my 3rd Doctor in nearly 3 times as many years, and maybe hopefully, as the saying goes the 3rd time is a charm.

Coming home

In the first days and weeks of knowing your pregnant you plan so much of the following 9months and possibly 90yrs for the baby your are growing. When you add to that 7yrs of trying for your baby and a daughter waiting to be a sister the plans were likely made before the pink line appeared on the stick, especially if infertility has been a battle, the likliehood of having peed on 100's of sticks before getting that one that actually turned +, those plans have been cemented for years.
The first stinging minutes hours days and weeks of knowing our son would never come home with us to fulfill those dreams play over and over like a tape recorder. So many things changed, I didn't know where to start in my mind. The first question Caila asked was will we still go on vacation, our immediate answer was no. But we did. And we survived. Even in our pain I still try to keep a positive outlook and continued to tell the three of us that it would be ok, it wouldnt matter that other babies had been born this year and that we should have been doing all of those "baby mommy" things together. We would be ok. Now I know I was convincing myself more then I was encouraging them. It sucked, more then I ever thought it could. Yet at the same time it was ok.
Carter has taught me so many things in his absence, and when I find myself losing clarity and getting into that rut of routine he comes back and reminds me. There are days when I feel like Caila is ok, then she reminds that Carter would have really liked the ocean. I hope so Carter, but more then anything I just wish you were here.

Vacation minus one....

Friday we will leave for our family vacation. The what should have been first trip as a family of four. Instead it will be a bittersweet adventure with three. I had begun to feel like myself again, really like myself, and because of that I was completely unprepared for the wave that hit this week. Not just me, but our entire house, I guess that will always happen with milestones and big adventures. Once I began to pack I started to think where would I have put all of Carters thing, what would be my favorite outfit on him. Then I remembered all the summer outfits I bought for him just days after we knew he was a boy. Up in the attic I went to find that bag and search through all the tiny clothes we had all ready for him. Then it occurred to me what I needed/wanted had to do. I'm not sure what will eventually happen with all of his clothes, but for the one favorite outfit, and for one special bear that a dear friend of mine sent Caila after Carter died, that one outfit made Caila's day. I quietly took her bear and dressed him in our favorite outfit that we had hoped to be dressing Carter in, but instead I handed Caila back her bear newly dressed as he was previously naked, and she just looked at me and squeezed that bear as hard as she could, I just wish she could squeeze her baby brother instead.

New blog take 2

After unsuccessfully trying to start a new blog on a new network, I gave up and just started a new blog here. I will continue to update Carters blog, but in an effort to not only focus on the pain of losing our son but to find away to honor him by moving forward visit our family blog.

mancavefamily.blogspot.com

Random Blogging Strangers

Over the course of the last 7months I have "met" many people, woman specifically, who have walked in our horribly painful shoes. We have also "met" those who have turned tragedies into such tremendous blessing. One of those women, (whom I've never met, nor had a conversation with other then a few random posts on her blog) this brave soul really put her heart on her sleave this weekend. Raw emotion that truly brought me to tears. I We have have struggled to know our path in this journey, our journey that did not lead us to a fork in the road that we were waiting for but rather had a catastrophic earthquake shatter the road we thought we should take. I feel confident that her words so blantantly meant for us, that I'm ok with what may be ahead..... Someday soon I'll share with you, but for now~ Carter our angel on your 7month Angelversary, for now and for the first time in 7months, I do feel hope.

4th of July

We visited Carter on the 4th. My mom and I remembered Pinwheels that a roadside store sold near where my Grandfathers resting place is in California. I couldnt find any regular size Pinwheels but we found some minis. We took a few pictures sorry for the blanks I used a new website and couldnt figure out how to use only one page.

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Healing, Hurting & Living

Any new adventure, for most people, brings a certain amount of adrelaine. Good or bad, pain or enjoyment, new found energy comes along with most journeys.
The beginning of our journey without Carter was not any different. Enthused, if you will, I prayed more, prayed with our daughter more, read the bible more, went to church more. Tried to find the meaning of life, not in general, but my life, our life as a family. That was just 2 days short of 7months ago. We have for the most part gone back to existing, but in a much lesser capacity then we did prior to Dec. 6Th. I think about it, the Indiana Jones bravery I felt in the beginning, how do I get that back, where do we go from here? But then I sleep, and I lose the strength, something quickly sets me back and it becomes another day to just exist. So on July 4Th I relate this to our nation, the early settlers, the founding fathers, the soldiers who gave their lives. How many times did they wish they would have stayed where ever they came from? How many of them ever actually saw/ realized what the sacrifices they made gave us.... because as much as it sucks, greatness seems to always come from pain and sacrifice.

Happy 4Th!