The last few weeks have not been bright and shiny for me. I'm not sitting home crying all day, even though on some days I wish I could.I've always jokingly said I suffer from S.A.D. and maybe with the cooler weather over the last few weeks and certainly a cloudy gray day today its surely not helping. Thoughts have crept in almost daily about how poorly our hospital reacted, what could have been done to save our son and how I'm certain with extraordinary measures the outcome would have been different.
Today I would have taken Caila and Carter to the National Aviary ( She has been quiet about Carter in the last month and out of the blue today asked if we would have taken him, what kind of stroller he would have had and did I think he would have liked the noisy birds- I want to say I hope she never feels this pain, but its too late she already has).
In my daily blog readings and searching (because the Internet has become my addiction) I came across a blog today about a women who was diagnosed with IC at 23 1/2 wks. Her Dr. immediately admitted her to the hospital and put her on strict bed rest. Two wks later at 25 1/2 wks she is continuing to shorten and she said preparing herself for preterm delivery and life with a NICU. Conflicting thoughts entered my mind as I read her story: #1) All the measure they are taking to get her to a viable baby could have been done for our Carter, Why couldn't her story be ours? #2) Full time hospital bed rest never being sure of the outcome, heavily medicated daily, its not an easy road.
My assumption of a better outcome had things been different??? The road would still have been treacherous
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Addendum to Human Anatomy & Physiology
I'm going to depart from my normal posts here about Love and Loss. This will forever be Carter's blog but I think writing here (for the 5-10 people that read) has a higher purpose because of Carter. We had Carter because of long journey one that many more then you can imagine embark on daily....
It doesn't matter if its High School or College. Health class or Anatomy, that first place we learn about conception, procreation or "the birds and the bees". Its all very basic egg meets sperm presto magico you have a baby. Many people are blessed to fall into this category. No thought, no setting the stage it just happens. Thirty something professionals and junkies alike. Nine months later a baby appears.
Caila was our miracle baby in that sense. No Dr's no temping no planning,,,, no thinking.... We were blessed and then lulled into a sense of normalcy. Wrong answer. Over the last decade of surgery, Dr's and myriad of other things that could have turned my body into a walking pharmaceutical I realized all things missing out of the back of the textbook.
Depending on my mood on a given day I would add one or both of these warning labels:
The feeling Strong Days:
When you meet the Man of your dreams and decide to start a family things may not go your way. The 5-10 yr plan may turn into 10-15,and you will be tested beyond what you ever would have imagined. No matter the outcome you will learn from it, become closer as a couple and realize again and again why you married the one you did. Nobody else could have held your hand tighter through the darkness. No one else would have realized the hidden qualities in your character that only trial and pain can illuminate. It will hurt like hell, but you will survive together.
Then on the days I want to crawl into bed pull up the covers and say enough I'm done I would write this:
Edit- The day I started to write this post was not one of those days, tomorrow I know will be....
There comes a moment when you realize that things are not going to be all fairy tale like. I have been a hopless romantic, reader of Jane Austen, lover of classical literature. Not anymore, We expect the worst to happen to us now, tend to not see the "sunny side up".
On the horridly painful days I would write. Simply Life will suck all the life out of you. Nothing will ever go your way, except for everyone around it seems. Not one person in our immediate circle has jumped through as many hoops just to have a baby. Yet everyone can tell us to be happy for the one we have. Well we are, but can we not still want one more? Is it ok for us to want what you all seem to have gotten so terribly easyily?
but for whatever reason, as much as want to stay dark and twisty I can't. The Disney princess in me still comes around, and I know that even if I had to eat the poison apple for all of our dreams to come true, in the end I probably would...
It doesn't matter if its High School or College. Health class or Anatomy, that first place we learn about conception, procreation or "the birds and the bees". Its all very basic egg meets sperm presto magico you have a baby. Many people are blessed to fall into this category. No thought, no setting the stage it just happens. Thirty something professionals and junkies alike. Nine months later a baby appears.
Caila was our miracle baby in that sense. No Dr's no temping no planning,,,, no thinking.... We were blessed and then lulled into a sense of normalcy. Wrong answer. Over the last decade of surgery, Dr's and myriad of other things that could have turned my body into a walking pharmaceutical I realized all things missing out of the back of the textbook.
Depending on my mood on a given day I would add one or both of these warning labels:
The feeling Strong Days:
When you meet the Man of your dreams and decide to start a family things may not go your way. The 5-10 yr plan may turn into 10-15,and you will be tested beyond what you ever would have imagined. No matter the outcome you will learn from it, become closer as a couple and realize again and again why you married the one you did. Nobody else could have held your hand tighter through the darkness. No one else would have realized the hidden qualities in your character that only trial and pain can illuminate. It will hurt like hell, but you will survive together.
Then on the days I want to crawl into bed pull up the covers and say enough I'm done I would write this:
Edit- The day I started to write this post was not one of those days, tomorrow I know will be....
There comes a moment when you realize that things are not going to be all fairy tale like. I have been a hopless romantic, reader of Jane Austen, lover of classical literature. Not anymore, We expect the worst to happen to us now, tend to not see the "sunny side up".
On the horridly painful days I would write. Simply Life will suck all the life out of you. Nothing will ever go your way, except for everyone around it seems. Not one person in our immediate circle has jumped through as many hoops just to have a baby. Yet everyone can tell us to be happy for the one we have. Well we are, but can we not still want one more? Is it ok for us to want what you all seem to have gotten so terribly easyily?
but for whatever reason, as much as want to stay dark and twisty I can't. The Disney princess in me still comes around, and I know that even if I had to eat the poison apple for all of our dreams to come true, in the end I probably would...
Thursday, August 14, 2008
When the inevitable happens
In the midst of dreaming your plans for your life we (well at least I have learned) as part of human nature (even those of us that consider ourselves optimists) tend to also think of all the things that could go wrong. When your worst case scenario becomes reality its hard to know (even if you think you know yourself well) who you will be on the other side.
I don't think it worked that way for me. I knew instantly that once we worked our way through the darkest hours of losing our son ( though there will always be those days when the darkness creeps in) that I was different. My priorities, my needs my ability to deal. It became a control issue. Even though we/ I now know that everything is out of our control. I needed no more surprises in the day hours weeks and months that have followed. Today the surprise happened.
Infertility is a many headed monster- so when we became pregnant with Carter and began to announce to the world our excitement after so many years- we told everyone we knew. My first purchase of maternity clothing was a t-shirt with the word BABY in giant letters. It still hangs in my closet today. The only downside to telling so many many people is when you lose that which you love, you have to share the sorrow as well as the joy. Sorrow is so much harder to swallow then joy.
I realize that this post is beginning to ramble but I'm getting to the point. This has not been a good emotional week for me. I have felt pretty much unhinged or at the verge of it almost daily. You see a year ago this week we knew for sure we were pregnant finally after 7 yrs, and we should be getting ready to introduce our new baby to many friends at the annual summer picnic we attend every year. A place where we don't see a majority of these faces except for yearly and I know we will receive many sympathies. But tonight was probably the worst. The inevitable finally happened, my fear that I knew would happen really happened.
We went to dinner, just the three of us. To our quiet place where we never, ever, ever.....see....anyone...we....know. Except for tonight. We ran into a family we know. The last time I saw them was 3 weeks to the day before Carter grew his angel wings. I had completely forgotten this interaction and went over to say Hi. She asked me a question that I didn't hear the first time apparently because I answered with "OH Caila's here she's in the bathroom", to which she responded, "Is the baby with you?" Stunned, doesn't' cut it... I didn't even remember that this family even knew we were pregnant. So there in our quiet place I share Carter's story. The worst thing that could happen as part of the worst thing that could happen did. But with a cause I believe. You see this particular friend is studying to be a Nurse Practitioner. She's almost done, and she's now with a perinatal (Maternal Fetal Medicine) practice, she's knows where we've been to get to Carter and where we will need to be to try again. So as hard as this was, I'm trying with all of my heart to believe that she was sent to us tonight as a sign. Maybe just maybe we will see her again soon...........
I don't think it worked that way for me. I knew instantly that once we worked our way through the darkest hours of losing our son ( though there will always be those days when the darkness creeps in) that I was different. My priorities, my needs my ability to deal. It became a control issue. Even though we/ I now know that everything is out of our control. I needed no more surprises in the day hours weeks and months that have followed. Today the surprise happened.
Infertility is a many headed monster- so when we became pregnant with Carter and began to announce to the world our excitement after so many years- we told everyone we knew. My first purchase of maternity clothing was a t-shirt with the word BABY in giant letters. It still hangs in my closet today. The only downside to telling so many many people is when you lose that which you love, you have to share the sorrow as well as the joy. Sorrow is so much harder to swallow then joy.
I realize that this post is beginning to ramble but I'm getting to the point. This has not been a good emotional week for me. I have felt pretty much unhinged or at the verge of it almost daily. You see a year ago this week we knew for sure we were pregnant finally after 7 yrs, and we should be getting ready to introduce our new baby to many friends at the annual summer picnic we attend every year. A place where we don't see a majority of these faces except for yearly and I know we will receive many sympathies. But tonight was probably the worst. The inevitable finally happened, my fear that I knew would happen really happened.
We went to dinner, just the three of us. To our quiet place where we never, ever, ever.....see....anyone...we....know. Except for tonight. We ran into a family we know. The last time I saw them was 3 weeks to the day before Carter grew his angel wings. I had completely forgotten this interaction and went over to say Hi. She asked me a question that I didn't hear the first time apparently because I answered with "OH Caila's here she's in the bathroom", to which she responded, "Is the baby with you?" Stunned, doesn't' cut it... I didn't even remember that this family even knew we were pregnant. So there in our quiet place I share Carter's story. The worst thing that could happen as part of the worst thing that could happen did. But with a cause I believe. You see this particular friend is studying to be a Nurse Practitioner. She's almost done, and she's now with a perinatal (Maternal Fetal Medicine) practice, she's knows where we've been to get to Carter and where we will need to be to try again. So as hard as this was, I'm trying with all of my heart to believe that she was sent to us tonight as a sign. Maybe just maybe we will see her again soon...........
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Eight Months
Dear Carter,
I can hardly beleive that it has been 8 months since we held you in our arms. So much has happened that you should have been apart, and yet you are.
Caila and I stayed home today and I just kept wondering what would have been different if you would have been home with us. What kind of baby would you have been? Would you have like mornings? Would you have been a napper? What kind of Big Sister would Caila be? Although I know she would be a great one and Love you so much, we all do. We wish you could be here with us everday. I wish you were her to rock to sleep and sing lullabies to and for Caila and Daddy to steal kisses and snuggles from.
I hope you know how much We all loved and Wanted you.... I hope you know that everyday.
Love,
Mommy
I can hardly beleive that it has been 8 months since we held you in our arms. So much has happened that you should have been apart, and yet you are.
Caila and I stayed home today and I just kept wondering what would have been different if you would have been home with us. What kind of baby would you have been? Would you have like mornings? Would you have been a napper? What kind of Big Sister would Caila be? Although I know she would be a great one and Love you so much, we all do. We wish you could be here with us everday. I wish you were her to rock to sleep and sing lullabies to and for Caila and Daddy to steal kisses and snuggles from.
I hope you know how much We all loved and Wanted you.... I hope you know that everyday.
Love,
Mommy
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