Tomorrow is 10 months since I held my baby boy. Time is starting to slip away. All the would have should have could haves come up more and more frequently. The pain lingers. We are still sad. Caila asks daily about her baby brother in heaven. We miss him. We don't understand, will never understand. We miss him. We are still sad.
But we must move forward.
Because of this I will not be updating this blog anymore. I won't remove it, hopefully the ramblings of a grieving mother will help someone, somewhere. But what I really hope for is that there will never again be any grieving mother's. Research can help that, but that will all depend on who gets elected in November.
Thank you all for sharing in our journey of grief. Near or far you have helped us to continue to breath in and out more then you realize.
Dear Carter~
In our journey without you I hope that we continually see signs that you are with us.... and just know how very much we love you....
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
The balance of Love .....
Great emotion consumes you during pregnancy. Emotion that you at times feel can never be topped. Until that moment... the moment you hold that tiny person in your arms.... the miracle you never imagined feeling.
That moment for most is followed by the wave of responsiblity that comes crashing over you. This life this little person is yours for the keeping, you hold the keys to their safety security and overall well being.
I felt that wave so sincerely when Caila was born. How do I keep her safe ? How do I spare her from pain. Never considering that the most gut wrenching pain I could not keep her from, would put a test to all those questions.
One moment took that all away from me. In one moment I was unable to save our 2oweek old baby as my body failed me in ways you cannot begin to understand ( unless your reading this because you've been there and my heart breaks for you and I wish I could reach out and hold your hand) as I wrestled through that knowing I could do nothing to protect him. I also began to realize that not only could I not save our infant son, but the pain our dear daughter was about to experience I could not keep her from either. The moment she walked into that hospital room to meet the baby brother she would never know, and most likely her only chance at ever gaining the title of sister, that moment broke my heart forever. and there was nothing I could do, to protect either of my children. Sadly, the moment I went from mother of 2 to only mother of 1 living child, gave me greatest example of balancing love in a family...
That moment for most is followed by the wave of responsiblity that comes crashing over you. This life this little person is yours for the keeping, you hold the keys to their safety security and overall well being.
I felt that wave so sincerely when Caila was born. How do I keep her safe ? How do I spare her from pain. Never considering that the most gut wrenching pain I could not keep her from, would put a test to all those questions.
One moment took that all away from me. In one moment I was unable to save our 2oweek old baby as my body failed me in ways you cannot begin to understand ( unless your reading this because you've been there and my heart breaks for you and I wish I could reach out and hold your hand) as I wrestled through that knowing I could do nothing to protect him. I also began to realize that not only could I not save our infant son, but the pain our dear daughter was about to experience I could not keep her from either. The moment she walked into that hospital room to meet the baby brother she would never know, and most likely her only chance at ever gaining the title of sister, that moment broke my heart forever. and there was nothing I could do, to protect either of my children. Sadly, the moment I went from mother of 2 to only mother of 1 living child, gave me greatest example of balancing love in a family...
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