Why I shouldn't have watched ER

So I lied here I am posting. I guess I may on occassion have things to say regarding Carter- I always have thoughts about him- Just now I don't feel like sharing most of them, and quite honestly I'm not sure anyone would really want to see where my emotions take me from day to day. My counselor-that I haven't seen in months and probably should make time for- Questioned me on that - and said "You edit your feelings?" True- but somethings are just better left unsaid.

ER has for the entire run of the series been one of my favorite shows. I remember it being one of the first "Adult" dramas I stayed up to watch with my Mom. Some years I have been a ritualistic follower and others off and on. This being the last season I am paying close attention.
Maybe I shouldnt have this week- but in some ways, it really paralled our life since we lost Carter.
The new chief walks around in a hospital where her son died daily haunted by the events that occured there- Every day I walk into my office building where my labor began wondering what I missed- how things could have been different.
She talked about not leaving her house for 2yrs then going to work on Sunami relief efforts. On so many days I would chose not to leave the house if it wasnt for Caila- I think I can safely speak for husband that we both feel that way. And the relief efforts? When you can't make sense of what happened of the pain and your loss, giving to others, trying to lessen the pain they are experiencing just seems to give your life some meaning. I'm still trying to find that thing, that place that I can do that.

All of this effected me greatly while watching this week, well written, raw emotion, then I thought writers usually draw from personal experience and embellish so someone somewhere close to someone working on that show, I would bet has recently experienced pain no parent ever should. But what got to me the most was this quote:

“ If you lose a spouse, you're called a widow, or a widower. If you're a child and you lose your parents, then you're an orphan. But a what are you when you lose a child? "


I'm still a mother to a beautiful daughter, but that's what I struggle with, what am I now? and what will we become as a family.... all the questions that the long awaited conception of Carter seemed to answer- but so quickly was stolen from us.