Christmas without Carter

Last Christmas, 19days after we said goodbye to our baby boy, was merely about survival. Proving to Caila (and really ourselves) that we could still somehow put one foot in front of the other, breath in and in out, and sometimes do all those things at the same time.
This Christmas should have been Carters 1st. Tearing paper, taking toys out of the boxes only to realize the box is the most fun part of the toy.
We didn't say much about, Caila talked to him in her bedtime prayers on Christmas Eve, unprompted by me, wondering what his 2ND Christmas in Heaven would be like. I wondered, in silence, how Christmas this year would have been different with 2. One 9yrs and one 9months. What would we have done differently, how would Carter have acted, how would the day have been different Caila, would we have stayed at home all day, what would we have bought for him, what would Caila have picked out him.
Its like writing the scene for a movie whose ending you would love to change, you know the ones, the one that you walk out of the theatre saying to yourself, Really? I sat through that for 2hrs and that's what they gave me? Only this is my life, and I/we were stuck in the same chapter for 8yrs when it seemed to be coming to a conclusion when the arc shifted. And we are now stuck in the dream sequence awaiting the Author to write the next scene.
Carter went to Heaven in 2007 we spent most of 2008 just learning to live with a portion of our heart missing, I can only imagine that 2009 has so much more offer.

A little Slice of Heaven

Beauty truly does come out of incredible pain. In my younger days I had an obsession with Australia. Now I truly know it is a little slice of Heaven. A family in Australia lost their Infant Son and as a tribute writes names in the sand. I'm not sure I've ever seen the Ocean look more peaceful.

52 weeks 365 Days 12months= 1 year

One year.


First Steps. First words. First Birthdays. First teeth. Baptism. Birthday.


All of the things that happen in the first year of with a new baby. All of the things that we will never celebrate with Carter.

I have thought alot this week about what I would write today. How I would feel , what we would do.

The odd part is that I have dreaded this day for the last 364, but now I know its just part of me. Who I am, who we are as a family. Like if your short or tall, skinny or not, 1 child or twins.

We have one living and one Angel. Forever. Its just part of us now.

So are other things. People. Friendships, new and old. Along with the questions the pain and the sorrow. You our friends and families became part of our story of Carter.

The friends who picked up my car and filled it with gas, cooked dinners, took Caila Christmas caroling, sent us beautiful gifts to remember our baby Son. Rob's Mom and Dad for making it possible for Caila to say hello and goodbye to her baby brother, my Mom and Dad for Dropping everything and flying 3, 000 miles to be see us through. All of it played a part in our mere survival.

Today

Today is Thursday. 52 Thursdays from the worst Thursday in my life. Yet, its not the 6th, so I won't go on today about Carter's birthday.

My sweet little man, I am thinking of you, as I do everyday, and maybe missing you more today then most.

Life would be so different for us all if you were here.