2nd Opinions or 2nd Guessing?

This week I went to see yet another Doctor. Partly because we just are not ready to say we are done yet, and partly because I think when longer then 3wks go between Dr's appointments for me I start to go through withdrawel.
We discussed all the normal issues required with new patient appointments and then we discussed Carter. I knew we would, he is forever part of our story. I had thought I had prepared myself for the possibilities. Most of the conversation was based in medical thoughts, but the moment he said " Your loss is puzzling, because with all your other issues one wouldnt expect a loss at 20weeks, 12weeks maybe but certainly not at 20! " I felt like the stunned boxer that was thought to be down for the count then slowly getting up feels stablized when POW, down you go again.
This will be my 3rd Doctor in nearly 3 times as many years, and maybe hopefully, as the saying goes the 3rd time is a charm.

Coming home

In the first days and weeks of knowing your pregnant you plan so much of the following 9months and possibly 90yrs for the baby your are growing. When you add to that 7yrs of trying for your baby and a daughter waiting to be a sister the plans were likely made before the pink line appeared on the stick, especially if infertility has been a battle, the likliehood of having peed on 100's of sticks before getting that one that actually turned +, those plans have been cemented for years.
The first stinging minutes hours days and weeks of knowing our son would never come home with us to fulfill those dreams play over and over like a tape recorder. So many things changed, I didn't know where to start in my mind. The first question Caila asked was will we still go on vacation, our immediate answer was no. But we did. And we survived. Even in our pain I still try to keep a positive outlook and continued to tell the three of us that it would be ok, it wouldnt matter that other babies had been born this year and that we should have been doing all of those "baby mommy" things together. We would be ok. Now I know I was convincing myself more then I was encouraging them. It sucked, more then I ever thought it could. Yet at the same time it was ok.
Carter has taught me so many things in his absence, and when I find myself losing clarity and getting into that rut of routine he comes back and reminds me. There are days when I feel like Caila is ok, then she reminds that Carter would have really liked the ocean. I hope so Carter, but more then anything I just wish you were here.

Vacation minus one....

Friday we will leave for our family vacation. The what should have been first trip as a family of four. Instead it will be a bittersweet adventure with three. I had begun to feel like myself again, really like myself, and because of that I was completely unprepared for the wave that hit this week. Not just me, but our entire house, I guess that will always happen with milestones and big adventures. Once I began to pack I started to think where would I have put all of Carters thing, what would be my favorite outfit on him. Then I remembered all the summer outfits I bought for him just days after we knew he was a boy. Up in the attic I went to find that bag and search through all the tiny clothes we had all ready for him. Then it occurred to me what I needed/wanted had to do. I'm not sure what will eventually happen with all of his clothes, but for the one favorite outfit, and for one special bear that a dear friend of mine sent Caila after Carter died, that one outfit made Caila's day. I quietly took her bear and dressed him in our favorite outfit that we had hoped to be dressing Carter in, but instead I handed Caila back her bear newly dressed as he was previously naked, and she just looked at me and squeezed that bear as hard as she could, I just wish she could squeeze her baby brother instead.

New blog take 2

After unsuccessfully trying to start a new blog on a new network, I gave up and just started a new blog here. I will continue to update Carters blog, but in an effort to not only focus on the pain of losing our son but to find away to honor him by moving forward visit our family blog.

mancavefamily.blogspot.com

Random Blogging Strangers

Over the course of the last 7months I have "met" many people, woman specifically, who have walked in our horribly painful shoes. We have also "met" those who have turned tragedies into such tremendous blessing. One of those women, (whom I've never met, nor had a conversation with other then a few random posts on her blog) this brave soul really put her heart on her sleave this weekend. Raw emotion that truly brought me to tears. I We have have struggled to know our path in this journey, our journey that did not lead us to a fork in the road that we were waiting for but rather had a catastrophic earthquake shatter the road we thought we should take. I feel confident that her words so blantantly meant for us, that I'm ok with what may be ahead..... Someday soon I'll share with you, but for now~ Carter our angel on your 7month Angelversary, for now and for the first time in 7months, I do feel hope.

4th of July

We visited Carter on the 4th. My mom and I remembered Pinwheels that a roadside store sold near where my Grandfathers resting place is in California. I couldnt find any regular size Pinwheels but we found some minis. We took a few pictures sorry for the blanks I used a new website and couldnt figure out how to use only one page.

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Healing, Hurting & Living

Any new adventure, for most people, brings a certain amount of adrelaine. Good or bad, pain or enjoyment, new found energy comes along with most journeys.
The beginning of our journey without Carter was not any different. Enthused, if you will, I prayed more, prayed with our daughter more, read the bible more, went to church more. Tried to find the meaning of life, not in general, but my life, our life as a family. That was just 2 days short of 7months ago. We have for the most part gone back to existing, but in a much lesser capacity then we did prior to Dec. 6Th. I think about it, the Indiana Jones bravery I felt in the beginning, how do I get that back, where do we go from here? But then I sleep, and I lose the strength, something quickly sets me back and it becomes another day to just exist. So on July 4Th I relate this to our nation, the early settlers, the founding fathers, the soldiers who gave their lives. How many times did they wish they would have stayed where ever they came from? How many of them ever actually saw/ realized what the sacrifices they made gave us.... because as much as it sucks, greatness seems to always come from pain and sacrifice.

Happy 4Th!

First and Last

Tomorrow is Caila's last day of 3rd grade. I have had many thoughts about this today and for some of them I wasn't sure if they belong here or on the family blog. (really it is fully functional because I tried a new "space" and I'm having problems getting all the fun things working).
So at the risk of seeming to have a split-personality I'll probably write two completely different versions of what this day will mean to me.
I could post a first and last day picture side by side, which is what I had originally intended to do in the onset of this blog. On Caila's first day of 3rd grade we were 6wks pregnant with our precious boy, and planning ahead we could not wait to have that family picture on the last day of 3rd grade. Caila nearing 91/2 yrs, Carter somewhere around 9wks. I will forever look at scrapbooks and see the empty arms that should be full. Those moments will never go away; That doesn't mean we overlook the blessings, I think it makes us appreciate them more, but the hurt will always be present.
So tomorrow there will be tears I'm sure, for so many reasons. Caila, my baby girl, is closing in on her first decade of life, Carter my angel baby who will never get a first and last, and to all the unknowns that are around the bend.
I think by the end of the day tomorrow there will be a bottle of wine somewhere with my name on it......

Whats Next.....

I wanted to do this heartfelt Fathers Day post.... but I just didn't have it in me. Mothers Day was hard, but fathers day seemed worse. Not to lessen the life of our daughter but because I think of Fathers and sons, and ours is missing from the picture. Not only just our son, but a missing grandson for both families but specifically for mine. I'm an only. An only only. No girl cousins, no boy cousins. Carter would have been the first boy on my side. Since the moment I knew that Rob was the one I had asked that if we ever had a son we could somehow honor my Dad in his name. And now Carter, Carter Alexander isn't here, and we miss him. We wish he could be here. There clarity of peace love and understanding is starting to be clouded with time.
So whats next? Some ask, some want to but don't. There are days I want to ask but can't ask myself. Our goal is still to grow our family, somehow. The proverbial wrench keeps jarring into our plans lately, but I guess that's the point we need to learn there is a greater, higher purpose, then OUR plans. HIS plans seem to be different from ours and excepting that is so difficult. Knowing what we are supposed to do next is the worst part. How do we differentiate between what we want, what's best for our family and what our purpose really is? How do we know? All the age old life questions that we all ask from time to time, that I just can't seem to wrap my head around any longer...

Difficult conversations

We all have them. The ones we want to add to but just can't. I've had so many of these over the last few weeks. Summer is such a social time for us, for most people, but we definitely try to squeeze as much as we can into our summers after a long winter of being cooped up.
Social Butterfly~ I vividly remember my childhood Pastor referring to me in that way. Normally I can't wait for the next social event to be placed on our calendar, to the point of self induced ADD. This year-not so much, anxiety sets in where the joy of meeting new people used to be. One can never be sure where conversations may go, but inevitably you can be sure that in a group of mothers stories turn to pregnancy and childbirth. Oh sure, I can relate to them, and sometimes share things that occurred or that I learned with Caila. Those things I have had 9yrs to be comfortable sharing. There have been, however, moments when relative, pertinent information about Carter, pregnancy, birth, prenatal care, would fit perfectly into that conversation. That also means baring my soul, placing pain on serving tray and waiting for uncomfortable silence.
The good news is that by the time I contemplate all of this, conversation has gone elsewhere and I'm safe. That is until there is an actual elephant (a.k.a. pregnant lady in the room). Then its worse, wanting to offer advice (but I can't because I'm every mothers worst nightmare) and just plain wanting to talk about Carter to someone, because then he's touched the life of one more person.
Two random women opened the door for me to share my difficulty with in the last few weeks, and while I did get the awkward silent pause, they still let me share and on those days it made all the difference.

Six months and I'm still counting.....

Its hard to believe we are standing here 6 months from the worst day of our lives. Rob and I talked today and it just feels like an alternate life now. We have all moved through many stages of grief.
Here are just a few examples:

The day my parents went home and we stopped to Christmas shop and Caila tried to throw herself in front of the (proverbial) "moving car" that was a newborn baby, because my then 8yr old wanted to save me from any more pain, or the day I had my nails done before going back to work and when asked how many children I have I paused and boldly said 2, then to last weekend where we can now thoroughly enjoy our nearly 7month old nephew/cousin.

Many, many stages of emotions have come somewhere between all those moments. But somehow we are still standing. Heading into summer renews the sense of loss as I would have been home with both of our kids, doing the things that all the Mom's do in the warm weather. Instead now I try and make time to get to the cemetery, which happens so much less frequently then I would like, I hope that Carter understands. So much has changed in 6months that in one breathe seems forever and in others the blink of any eye.
Caila started a random conversation the other day about how she misses Carter and how much she wanted to be a sister and as the moment progressed I saw how much she has grown, both physically and emotionally, most of her words I will keep to forever cherish in the Mom vault. I will however share with you what I found so very poignant.... Friends and family member have graciously given us some beautiful keepsakes to remember our boy we cherish them all, to which Caila thought "Mommy even though we can't see him, he brought so many Angels to our house"..... I sure hope they stay, because I know they've had to carry us all from time to time....

New Blog

Visit our new blog about mundane suburban life.... http://rainbowfamily.wordpress.com/

Quiet Days

The blog is quiet these days. May is a crazy time of year, especially when you have an elementary school child. I often sit at these events wondering how it would have worked out to be toting our beautiful boy around to all these outings, and so wishing we were. But at the same time I find myself to be ok, and wanting to share with all of you some of these wonderful events. However, this is Carters blog. A place for us to come and remember, to openly touch the missing piece of our hearts, and sadly for those who have also left a hospital without their beautiful babies, a place for comfort to know that you can move forward no matter how badly it sucks to do so! Because of all of this a new blog is under construction, one that will be about our family moving forward whatever that may mean..... so stay tuned.......

Motivation

This week has been a tough week for so many that I know. Today was not an especially pleasant day today, so when when a friend posted this today, it was just what I needed. Motivation, a reason to keep breathing in and out, placing one foot in front of the other. I hope you like it as much as I do.

C.W. Longenecker:
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low, and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit,

Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As everyone of us sometimes learns,

And many a failure turns about,

when he might have won had he stuck it out;

Don't give up though the pace seems slow,

You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out,

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell how close you are,

It may be near when it seems so far;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,

It's when things seem their worst that you mustn't quit!

Deep Thoughts.....

can consume you like ocean waves.
Much like my memory of watching my Dad in full scuba gear (looking very much like an alien that I was sure would eat him once he entered the water, even though I had not yet seen the movie Abyss) My memory is of standing on the sand watching him wade into the water- and then screaming. I'm not really sure if that's what actually happened, but that's my story and I'm stick in' to it. The point is that the Deep thoughts if you give in to them, consume you. However, if you push them away you haven't gained anything by whatever experience has occurred. For some its losing a job, others fighting Cancer, for us it was losing our son.
The early weeks it was all I could do. Stare at my computer, find out the why, more importantly find the how to stop it. Like with any good burst of enthusiasm the light bulb quickly burns out. I had to stop let it go a bit, back away, before it~the pain,agony and grief~pulled me completely under. Somewhat like teaching a child to swim in the ocean, you want them to know it, feel it experience it, but have a healthy fear all at the same time. Inevitably a wave will wash right over their heads at least once. They run away, but they always come back. I'm finding my pain and grief to be that way these days. Some days I want to face it head on, dive right in, others I just want to pretend its not there. But then what? I don't question why us, why our family, I don't question why God would let this happen (he doesn't pain is a product of a fallen world) My question is What?. For me. What am I supposed to do with this? How do I not live the same way I did before?
Then there are days when frivolity comes at the perfect moment to just give my mind a break. Like sitting on the couch with Caila making friendship bracelets, or string rings as she discovered last night. Moments like those make it easier to breath for a second until I realize that its just one more moment that I won't be able to duplicate with Carter.

Mothers Day!!!!

Happy Mothers Day to all the Mothers! Especially to our Mom's and Grandmothers. It seems I had mentally blocked the day so cards and things will be arriving late.
The weather is cold and cool here, a great way to keep a somber mood on a day you aren't sure how to feel. I am blessed as a woman to be a Mother to Caila. She is our first miracle baby without her today would just be an ordinary day. My heart feels unsure of what to feel today, because there is an overwhelming sadness that I don't have both of my babies to celebrate with today, but also grateful that I am Caila's mother. I hope that you all have a day that makes you look back and smile fondly.

Five Months...

We held him as long as he has now been gone. I know we didn't get to to hold him for 5months, but we did. We held him for merely hours, but he was ours part of us, part of me, physically for 5months. Carter will always be ours, but the gone part will now begin to be more then the Held part.

Some parents start to think of what their babies would be doing today had they lived. There are days when I think of this but its a difficult path. According to Fisher-Price if Carter were 5months old today these are the things he would be able to accomplish:

Roll from his tummy to his back.
Stationary objects are now much clearer but he still prefers strong contrasts, sharp edges and bright colors.
He smiles at other babies, especially the one in the mirror.
His hands are open and he reaches out to touch and grasp.

As much as I truly think of December 6Th as His birthday, I also realize that had he lived through delivery, he wouldn't truly be 5months. He would be an adjusted age based on 20wks 4days gestation and his EDD. Most Dr's and medical journals will tell you that 26wks gestation is considered viable with a positive outcome. I have been thinking about 5months and wondered if any babies as young as Carter have managed somehow to live. Although I did not find any documentation of a 20week Baby, I did manage to find documentation of a 21week old baby girl born in Florida that weighed 1lb at birth (Carter weighed 14 1/2 ounces) that lived, and there was a beautiful picture of her and her mother when she had reached 5lbs. (what Caila weighed at birth). The article went on to say that someday they expect to be able to save babies as young as 20wks by use of an artificial placenta in a womb like incubator. Someday, to late for Carter, but not soon enough to save other families from the heartache of loss.

Five months have passed, it seems long yet short. The long straight path we thought we were on ( much like an Ohio road) has turned into a winding, curvy mountain (think Mullhulland Drive in California) that we are trying to find they to the top. Summer plans have become bittersweet, on some days more bitter then sweet. Through it all we still have each other, great families, Amazing friends-both new and old- and a beautiful 9yr old daughter that is wise beyond her years (some days) because of what her baby brother taught her. All of this in just Five months....

Welcome to Holland

It seems that some of the immediate, gut wrenching pain has dissipated. We do truly live more these days. I've even had the ability to have long phone conversations with friends again. Sometimes I still feel numb like I'm not really sure where am though, so when I came across this today poem/essay today it just fits.

Welcome to Holland

I am often asked to describe the experience, to help others understand it, to imagine how it would feel. Well, it’s like this…

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks, and you make your make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, Michelangelo’s David, the gondolas in Venice. You may even learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags, and off you go. Several hours later, the plane is preparing to land. And as the plane is landing, the pilot makes an announcement: “Welcome to Holland.”

“Holland ?!?!” you say. “What do you mean, Holland? I signed up to go to Italy! All of my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy!”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve taken you to Holland, and there you must stay. The important thing, however, is that haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would have never met.

It’s really just a difference place. It’s slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there been a while, you’ll catch your breath. And then you’ll look around and notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy going to and from Italy, and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful place it is. And for the rest of your life, you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. Italy is what I had planned.”

The pain of that will never, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special and very lovely things about Holland.

Rocky Mountain News, October 29, 1990

Somedays, I just want to know why....

The emotional breakdowns at the drop of hat have subsided. In approximately a week Carter will have grown his angel wings 5months ago. Like anything in life in some days I just want to know why?!
I have mentioned in previous posts that his life just fit so perfectly into, well everything. The timing of his birth was surrounded by so many others it just fit. I had another one of those revelations last night. He, my son, would have benefited so many others, in such a subtle, maybe would never even realized it kind of way. Even though I know that his death has done the same, life just seems to have so much more meaning. We never talk about death as a society, always about the life that preceded. You never hear a group of people in a coffee shop discussing what they learned from the loss of a loved, just what they taught them from their life. So like any good human I just want to know, why us?, why him? Why Now? Why after so long when the timing was just so seemingly perfect was Carter taken from us? What is the good that is supposed to come?
Some days, I just want to know why.....

Great Day for a Date!

One more Dr's appt. checked off the list. They usually take so long Rob and I decided to make it a date day! Sunny Skies in Pittsburgh meant something outdoors after a winter of blah! So we chose rollerblading. Many people do not know about the hidden treasures that are Pittsburgh trails. I had not spent any time on them until marathon training days and when flowers are blooming or leaves are turning they all have spectacular views. Today we chose the "Jail Trail" a.k.a Eliza Furnace Trail. Having not been on Roller Blades for awhile (something we loved when Caila was a baby) we were both hesitant when we noticed the more Expert Bladers in full gear. Not us, shorts t-shirts and blades, not a pad or helmet in site. The trail was great and the weather was awesome! We ended the day walking around the Strip District and a quick lunch (which wasn't so quick) at Rolands .
We grabbed a table upstairs to enjoy the sun and quickly seated behind us was a family with a newborn. Passerby stopped to chat with the new parents and we quickly learned the baby was 2weeks old. Rob and I quickly realized that we were bothered, quick heart twinges, but for the first time we felt OK. Be careful what you wish for..... Being the people watchers that we are it seemed that all the people around us began to have conversations about somebody somewhere with some new baby. I laughed, sending up a quick prayer OK, we are doing OK, but do we need the hailstorm? The sun is still shining, and we came home smiling, so all in all it was still a great day for a date!