We are moving forward.... Not for one moment will we ever forget you Carter, but we are moving forward, toward what we feel is the gift you gave us. The gift of loving a child we don't yet know. We know we can do that because we have loved you daily and never really had the chance to know you, you taught us that.
This weekend has been about cleaning, organizing our home in preparation for our Home Study. It has however for me as I come across items to organize clean or throw away, been about cleansing. The medication manuals, Insurance forms, charts, bills, all the things I've come across that still pain me to see, and probably always will, but purging or packing away, has been such a healing process. One that has enabled me to truly feel glimmers of the old me, and really release the weight from my chest.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Carrot, Egg or Coffee.....
I "visited" Tyler's Mom today.
Tyler is one of Carter's Friends, I've never actually met her, someday I'd like to.
I needed this today.
A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her.
She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling.
It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen.
She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil.
In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans.
She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners.
She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl.
She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl.
Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.
''Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft.
The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it.
After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled eggFinally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee.
The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.
The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water.
Each reacted differently.
The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting.
However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak The egg had been fragile.
Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.
The ground coffee beans were unique, however.
After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.'Which are you?' she asked her daughter.
'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond?
Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Think of this:
Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat?
Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff?
Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean?
The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain.
When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor.
If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.
When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level?
How do you handle adversity?
Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes a long their way.
The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
Today I wanted to be the Carrot, not willing to face the world. I hope tomorrow I can be the Coffee. After all I really like Coffee.
Thank you Tyler's Mommy for Sharing this with me.
Tyler is one of Carter's Friends, I've never actually met her, someday I'd like to.
I needed this today.
A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her.
She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up, She was tired of fighting and struggling.
It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.
Her mother took her to the kitchen.
She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil.
In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans.
She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.
In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners.
She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl.
She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl.
Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.
Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.
''Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.
Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft.
The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it.
After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled eggFinally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee.
The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.
The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water.
Each reacted differently.
The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting.
However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak The egg had been fragile.
Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.
The ground coffee beans were unique, however.
After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.'Which are you?' she asked her daughter.
'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond?
Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Think of this:
Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?
Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat?
Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff?
Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?
Or am I like the coffee bean?
The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain.
When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor.
If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.
When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level?
How do you handle adversity?
Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes a long their way.
The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.
Today I wanted to be the Carrot, not willing to face the world. I hope tomorrow I can be the Coffee. After all I really like Coffee.
Thank you Tyler's Mommy for Sharing this with me.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Answering the silent questions...
I've asked myself a million times a day ( maybe a trillion-since that's what our national deficit will look like shortly I'll use that Trillion) in the last 13 months and 1 day, when, how should we conceive another baby. I use "conceive" and not "have" as most would, because we have never had the luxury of assuming conception, and we now do not have the luxury of assuming positive outcome of actually bringing home a living, breathing baby. So We've asked ourselves this question many times, I'm sure you the reader, our friends and family has asked and most of you have soooooo lovingly and politely not asked. So for you, but really for me~ because "writing" it all down truly has a healing power for me. So I'll ask the question no wants to ask... least of all me because I really don't know the answer....
Will you try again?
Grief does strange things to a mind. At first in the immediate moments of loss all I wanted was a baby, any baby no- I really just wanted Carter right then and there. Still though I wanted to have a baby as soon as physically possible. We had miraculously gotten pregnant with our beautiful boy, it would happen just as easily once again? right? The "curse" of my broken body was gone. Or so I thought. Once the Dr's were ok with our healing process, and we were given what infertiles know so well as the "green light" terror, fear and panic consumed me. Assuming as said above that pregnancy would occur easily I also knew the happy go luckily glow of pregnancy would never again be for me.
Apprehension, and fear pushed aside we went ahead. F.ollis.tim Cycle #1 OHSS followed by an ovarian cyst. Cycle #2 cancelled aforementioned cyst was here to stay. Cycle #3 Cyst gone hormones out of whack, even for me. All of these things occurred with the same physician we had dedicated ourselves to for the last 8yrs and in the same hospital where we lost son. If you have never had to use medication to conceive, your blessed, but to make you aware this meant driving and walking into the hospital where I had to leave my baby and come home from empty handed, every other morning for 2-3WKS straight. We finally said enough.
Summer was upon us lets take a break, maybe I'd lose some weight (nope that didn't happen either) or at least we would enjoy our beautiful short warmth in PA. The much needed break led us to a Dr in our own backyard that we never knew existed. Had I met him 8yrs ago as a "baby" in the land of secondary infertility, I would have run screaming for the hills. His bedside manner leaves much to be desired. But we are pros at this now and I don't need a hand holder any more. Besides the best Dr. in the world that I would want to hold my hand through this is 3,000 miles away, in the backyard of my hometown.
Dr. T as we will call him, didn't see any reason that we wouldn't have success quickly. At least that's what I heard in my optimist mind. Yes, surprisingly the optimist in me has hung around some, more subdued, but still there. Cycle #1 w/ Dr. T nothing. Cycle #2 we decided to do IUI- and yes yet again nothing. Frustration mounts, I walk in the office to begin Cycle #3 and there is a mix up with my appointment time and they ask me to return the following day. That mix up immediately becoming my saving grace. I didn't want to do that next cycle and when she asked to reschedule me I just looked at the poor young clueless never been through infertility land receptionist- and said no you can't I'm not coming in this month. I felt as if the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulders.
We had really at the point decided to be done for 2008, enjoy the holidays without adding any stress, but then I just felt we had one more month left in us, finish the year out on a good not start out the new one with a huge celebration. We told friends neighbors, asked for prayer wherever possible, I just had a good feeling about this month.
Apparently, we don't have to worry about my clairvoyance. I don't have the gift. Totally missed the mark on whatever I was feeling that was positive this month. Because still no pregnancy to announce.
So here I sit 13months later, with a daughter whose now 10, a baby that I should be rocking to sleep, who instead rocks in heaven, and no answer as to why we are still and yet again unable to conceive.
So now we are at a crossroads........ and I'm thinking we will choose the road less traveled...
Will you try again?
Grief does strange things to a mind. At first in the immediate moments of loss all I wanted was a baby, any baby no- I really just wanted Carter right then and there. Still though I wanted to have a baby as soon as physically possible. We had miraculously gotten pregnant with our beautiful boy, it would happen just as easily once again? right? The "curse" of my broken body was gone. Or so I thought. Once the Dr's were ok with our healing process, and we were given what infertiles know so well as the "green light" terror, fear and panic consumed me. Assuming as said above that pregnancy would occur easily I also knew the happy go luckily glow of pregnancy would never again be for me.
Apprehension, and fear pushed aside we went ahead. F.ollis.tim Cycle #1 OHSS followed by an ovarian cyst. Cycle #2 cancelled aforementioned cyst was here to stay. Cycle #3 Cyst gone hormones out of whack, even for me. All of these things occurred with the same physician we had dedicated ourselves to for the last 8yrs and in the same hospital where we lost son. If you have never had to use medication to conceive, your blessed, but to make you aware this meant driving and walking into the hospital where I had to leave my baby and come home from empty handed, every other morning for 2-3WKS straight. We finally said enough.
Summer was upon us lets take a break, maybe I'd lose some weight (nope that didn't happen either) or at least we would enjoy our beautiful short warmth in PA. The much needed break led us to a Dr in our own backyard that we never knew existed. Had I met him 8yrs ago as a "baby" in the land of secondary infertility, I would have run screaming for the hills. His bedside manner leaves much to be desired. But we are pros at this now and I don't need a hand holder any more. Besides the best Dr. in the world that I would want to hold my hand through this is 3,000 miles away, in the backyard of my hometown.
Dr. T as we will call him, didn't see any reason that we wouldn't have success quickly. At least that's what I heard in my optimist mind. Yes, surprisingly the optimist in me has hung around some, more subdued, but still there. Cycle #1 w/ Dr. T nothing. Cycle #2 we decided to do IUI- and yes yet again nothing. Frustration mounts, I walk in the office to begin Cycle #3 and there is a mix up with my appointment time and they ask me to return the following day. That mix up immediately becoming my saving grace. I didn't want to do that next cycle and when she asked to reschedule me I just looked at the poor young clueless never been through infertility land receptionist- and said no you can't I'm not coming in this month. I felt as if the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulders.
We had really at the point decided to be done for 2008, enjoy the holidays without adding any stress, but then I just felt we had one more month left in us, finish the year out on a good not start out the new one with a huge celebration. We told friends neighbors, asked for prayer wherever possible, I just had a good feeling about this month.
Apparently, we don't have to worry about my clairvoyance. I don't have the gift. Totally missed the mark on whatever I was feeling that was positive this month. Because still no pregnancy to announce.
So here I sit 13months later, with a daughter whose now 10, a baby that I should be rocking to sleep, who instead rocks in heaven, and no answer as to why we are still and yet again unable to conceive.
So now we are at a crossroads........ and I'm thinking we will choose the road less traveled...
Saturday, January 3, 2009
The year without Carter
The second half of 2007 was about being pregnant with Carter, growing him safely, to get him here in 2008. 2007 ended being about his death. 2008 should have been about his birth, firsts, and becoming a family of four. 2008 became first about survival, then learning to go forward with a hole in our hearts. And finding out who we were on the other side.
2009 is the first year without Carter. Of course there are milestones we should be marking, there always will be, but this year is different. Maybe a time to take one more step forward, embracing who we are now, not trying to get back to who we were before Dec 6 2007, just being OK with the me now.
Choices to be made.
2009 is the first year without Carter. Of course there are milestones we should be marking, there always will be, but this year is different. Maybe a time to take one more step forward, embracing who we are now, not trying to get back to who we were before Dec 6 2007, just being OK with the me now.
Choices to be made.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Christmas without Carter
Last Christmas, 19days after we said goodbye to our baby boy, was merely about survival. Proving to Caila (and really ourselves) that we could still somehow put one foot in front of the other, breath in and in out, and sometimes do all those things at the same time.
This Christmas should have been Carters 1st. Tearing paper, taking toys out of the boxes only to realize the box is the most fun part of the toy.
We didn't say much about, Caila talked to him in her bedtime prayers on Christmas Eve, unprompted by me, wondering what his 2ND Christmas in Heaven would be like. I wondered, in silence, how Christmas this year would have been different with 2. One 9yrs and one 9months. What would we have done differently, how would Carter have acted, how would the day have been different Caila, would we have stayed at home all day, what would we have bought for him, what would Caila have picked out him.
Its like writing the scene for a movie whose ending you would love to change, you know the ones, the one that you walk out of the theatre saying to yourself, Really? I sat through that for 2hrs and that's what they gave me? Only this is my life, and I/we were stuck in the same chapter for 8yrs when it seemed to be coming to a conclusion when the arc shifted. And we are now stuck in the dream sequence awaiting the Author to write the next scene.
Carter went to Heaven in 2007 we spent most of 2008 just learning to live with a portion of our heart missing, I can only imagine that 2009 has so much more offer.
This Christmas should have been Carters 1st. Tearing paper, taking toys out of the boxes only to realize the box is the most fun part of the toy.
We didn't say much about, Caila talked to him in her bedtime prayers on Christmas Eve, unprompted by me, wondering what his 2ND Christmas in Heaven would be like. I wondered, in silence, how Christmas this year would have been different with 2. One 9yrs and one 9months. What would we have done differently, how would Carter have acted, how would the day have been different Caila, would we have stayed at home all day, what would we have bought for him, what would Caila have picked out him.
Its like writing the scene for a movie whose ending you would love to change, you know the ones, the one that you walk out of the theatre saying to yourself, Really? I sat through that for 2hrs and that's what they gave me? Only this is my life, and I/we were stuck in the same chapter for 8yrs when it seemed to be coming to a conclusion when the arc shifted. And we are now stuck in the dream sequence awaiting the Author to write the next scene.
Carter went to Heaven in 2007 we spent most of 2008 just learning to live with a portion of our heart missing, I can only imagine that 2009 has so much more offer.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
A little Slice of Heaven
Beauty truly does come out of incredible pain. In my younger days I had an obsession with Australia. Now I truly know it is a little slice of Heaven. A family in Australia lost their Infant Son and as a tribute writes names in the sand. I'm not sure I've ever seen the Ocean look more peaceful.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
52 weeks 365 Days 12months= 1 year
One year.
First Steps. First words. First Birthdays. First teeth. Baptism. Birthday.
All of the things that happen in the first year of with a new baby. All of the things that we will never celebrate with Carter.
First Steps. First words. First Birthdays. First teeth. Baptism. Birthday.
All of the things that happen in the first year of with a new baby. All of the things that we will never celebrate with Carter.
I have thought alot this week about what I would write today. How I would feel , what we would do.
The odd part is that I have dreaded this day for the last 364, but now I know its just part of me. Who I am, who we are as a family. Like if your short or tall, skinny or not, 1 child or twins.
We have one living and one Angel. Forever. Its just part of us now.
So are other things. People. Friendships, new and old. Along with the questions the pain and the sorrow. You our friends and families became part of our story of Carter.
The friends who picked up my car and filled it with gas, cooked dinners, took Caila Christmas caroling, sent us beautiful gifts to remember our baby Son. Rob's Mom and Dad for making it possible for Caila to say hello and goodbye to her baby brother, my Mom and Dad for Dropping everything and flying 3, 000 miles to be see us through. All of it played a part in our mere survival.
Today
Today is Thursday. 52 Thursdays from the worst Thursday in my life. Yet, its not the 6th, so I won't go on today about Carter's birthday.
My sweet little man, I am thinking of you, as I do everyday, and maybe missing you more today then most.
Life would be so different for us all if you were here.
My sweet little man, I am thinking of you, as I do everyday, and maybe missing you more today then most.
Life would be so different for us all if you were here.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Why I shouldn't have watched ER
So I lied here I am posting. I guess I may on occassion have things to say regarding Carter- I always have thoughts about him- Just now I don't feel like sharing most of them, and quite honestly I'm not sure anyone would really want to see where my emotions take me from day to day. My counselor-that I haven't seen in months and probably should make time for- Questioned me on that - and said "You edit your feelings?" True- but somethings are just better left unsaid.
ER has for the entire run of the series been one of my favorite shows. I remember it being one of the first "Adult" dramas I stayed up to watch with my Mom. Some years I have been a ritualistic follower and others off and on. This being the last season I am paying close attention.
Maybe I shouldnt have this week- but in some ways, it really paralled our life since we lost Carter.
The new chief walks around in a hospital where her son died daily haunted by the events that occured there- Every day I walk into my office building where my labor began wondering what I missed- how things could have been different.
She talked about not leaving her house for 2yrs then going to work on Sunami relief efforts. On so many days I would chose not to leave the house if it wasnt for Caila- I think I can safely speak for husband that we both feel that way. And the relief efforts? When you can't make sense of what happened of the pain and your loss, giving to others, trying to lessen the pain they are experiencing just seems to give your life some meaning. I'm still trying to find that thing, that place that I can do that.
All of this effected me greatly while watching this week, well written, raw emotion, then I thought writers usually draw from personal experience and embellish so someone somewhere close to someone working on that show, I would bet has recently experienced pain no parent ever should. But what got to me the most was this quote:
“ If you lose a spouse, you're called a widow, or a widower. If you're a child and you lose your parents, then you're an orphan. But a what are you when you lose a child? "
I'm still a mother to a beautiful daughter, but that's what I struggle with, what am I now? and what will we become as a family.... all the questions that the long awaited conception of Carter seemed to answer- but so quickly was stolen from us.
ER has for the entire run of the series been one of my favorite shows. I remember it being one of the first "Adult" dramas I stayed up to watch with my Mom. Some years I have been a ritualistic follower and others off and on. This being the last season I am paying close attention.
Maybe I shouldnt have this week- but in some ways, it really paralled our life since we lost Carter.
The new chief walks around in a hospital where her son died daily haunted by the events that occured there- Every day I walk into my office building where my labor began wondering what I missed- how things could have been different.
She talked about not leaving her house for 2yrs then going to work on Sunami relief efforts. On so many days I would chose not to leave the house if it wasnt for Caila- I think I can safely speak for husband that we both feel that way. And the relief efforts? When you can't make sense of what happened of the pain and your loss, giving to others, trying to lessen the pain they are experiencing just seems to give your life some meaning. I'm still trying to find that thing, that place that I can do that.
All of this effected me greatly while watching this week, well written, raw emotion, then I thought writers usually draw from personal experience and embellish so someone somewhere close to someone working on that show, I would bet has recently experienced pain no parent ever should. But what got to me the most was this quote:
“ If you lose a spouse, you're called a widow, or a widower. If you're a child and you lose your parents, then you're an orphan. But a what are you when you lose a child? "
I'm still a mother to a beautiful daughter, but that's what I struggle with, what am I now? and what will we become as a family.... all the questions that the long awaited conception of Carter seemed to answer- but so quickly was stolen from us.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Forever Remembered
Tomorrow is 10 months since I held my baby boy. Time is starting to slip away. All the would have should have could haves come up more and more frequently. The pain lingers. We are still sad. Caila asks daily about her baby brother in heaven. We miss him. We don't understand, will never understand. We miss him. We are still sad.
But we must move forward.
Because of this I will not be updating this blog anymore. I won't remove it, hopefully the ramblings of a grieving mother will help someone, somewhere. But what I really hope for is that there will never again be any grieving mother's. Research can help that, but that will all depend on who gets elected in November.
Thank you all for sharing in our journey of grief. Near or far you have helped us to continue to breath in and out more then you realize.
Dear Carter~
In our journey without you I hope that we continually see signs that you are with us.... and just know how very much we love you....
But we must move forward.
Because of this I will not be updating this blog anymore. I won't remove it, hopefully the ramblings of a grieving mother will help someone, somewhere. But what I really hope for is that there will never again be any grieving mother's. Research can help that, but that will all depend on who gets elected in November.
Thank you all for sharing in our journey of grief. Near or far you have helped us to continue to breath in and out more then you realize.
Dear Carter~
In our journey without you I hope that we continually see signs that you are with us.... and just know how very much we love you....
Friday, October 3, 2008
The balance of Love .....
Great emotion consumes you during pregnancy. Emotion that you at times feel can never be topped. Until that moment... the moment you hold that tiny person in your arms.... the miracle you never imagined feeling.
That moment for most is followed by the wave of responsiblity that comes crashing over you. This life this little person is yours for the keeping, you hold the keys to their safety security and overall well being.
I felt that wave so sincerely when Caila was born. How do I keep her safe ? How do I spare her from pain. Never considering that the most gut wrenching pain I could not keep her from, would put a test to all those questions.
One moment took that all away from me. In one moment I was unable to save our 2oweek old baby as my body failed me in ways you cannot begin to understand ( unless your reading this because you've been there and my heart breaks for you and I wish I could reach out and hold your hand) as I wrestled through that knowing I could do nothing to protect him. I also began to realize that not only could I not save our infant son, but the pain our dear daughter was about to experience I could not keep her from either. The moment she walked into that hospital room to meet the baby brother she would never know, and most likely her only chance at ever gaining the title of sister, that moment broke my heart forever. and there was nothing I could do, to protect either of my children. Sadly, the moment I went from mother of 2 to only mother of 1 living child, gave me greatest example of balancing love in a family...
That moment for most is followed by the wave of responsiblity that comes crashing over you. This life this little person is yours for the keeping, you hold the keys to their safety security and overall well being.
I felt that wave so sincerely when Caila was born. How do I keep her safe ? How do I spare her from pain. Never considering that the most gut wrenching pain I could not keep her from, would put a test to all those questions.
One moment took that all away from me. In one moment I was unable to save our 2oweek old baby as my body failed me in ways you cannot begin to understand ( unless your reading this because you've been there and my heart breaks for you and I wish I could reach out and hold your hand) as I wrestled through that knowing I could do nothing to protect him. I also began to realize that not only could I not save our infant son, but the pain our dear daughter was about to experience I could not keep her from either. The moment she walked into that hospital room to meet the baby brother she would never know, and most likely her only chance at ever gaining the title of sister, that moment broke my heart forever. and there was nothing I could do, to protect either of my children. Sadly, the moment I went from mother of 2 to only mother of 1 living child, gave me greatest example of balancing love in a family...
Friday, September 12, 2008
Quote of the Week
One of the Angel Mom's that I've "met" had her Rainbow baby, what the stillborn infant loss community refers to as babies after a loss, our hope, our Rainbow Baby. I cried rivers of Joy today for her, even though I've never really met her. The bittersweetness of this birth for her I can only imagine.
I was reading this week about what I hope will be my new project for the next year, I hope to give more info soon. But as part of this event someone wrote the quote of the year for me....
"Even though your were Stillborn...... You....Were..... Still.....Born!!!!!!!!!!! "
Author Unknown
I was reading this week about what I hope will be my new project for the next year, I hope to give more info soon. But as part of this event someone wrote the quote of the year for me....
"Even though your were Stillborn...... You....Were..... Still.....Born!!!!!!!!!!! "
Author Unknown
Monday, September 8, 2008
The littlest Big Feet
Its hard to know much about a baby born too soon. We can imagine what he would have been like, what he would have liked, what would have made him laugh.
Certain things we know.
He had dark hair, perfect hands and fingers, and the same nose as his Big Sister.
The detail that we cherish most are his feet. Perfect in every way, and just like his Daddy. They were huge.
He had great big feet for such a beautiful tiny baby.
Basketball would have been his game.
Certain things we know.
He had dark hair, perfect hands and fingers, and the same nose as his Big Sister.
The detail that we cherish most are his feet. Perfect in every way, and just like his Daddy. They were huge.
He had great big feet for such a beautiful tiny baby.
Basketball would have been his game.
Friday, September 5, 2008
My dreaded number.
Nine.
It's here.
The number I've sort of been dreading.
9.
The amount of time you Carter should have been growing.
The amount of time it probably would have taken you to crawl and or walk.
Instead the number of months you have been gone.
The number I now know for certain that my body can certainly not carry a baby for.
9.
Conceivably - odd choice of word- Had I a normal functioning female body- Caila and Carter could be on there way to a sibling by now. I could at this very moment be in a hospital bed resting, had we as many suggested been pregnant by our due date. But we weren't we aren't.
Would it make 9 months any better? No, maybe slightly less of a sting.
Caila asks about Carter more and more these days. Would we have taken him here? Would he have liked to have gone there? "We don't have a stroller Mommy, what would he have gone in?" We don't have a stroller because he didn't stay long enough for us to buy one.
All of these things lead me to the reason that 9months stings in someways I think more then a year will. When a baby is 9 months old you begin to prepare for a first birthday. I'm thinking of a 1st memorial service. Should we have one ? (yes) Should it be just our nuclear family (just we three, probably) Will I ever again think of Caila's birthday without thinking of Carters Angel Day? (probably not- because as I now realize that December is only 3months away, that means Caila's Birthday is around the corner also.
And in the midst of all of this when in a quiet moment my daughter says to me I still want to be a Sister, and its seemingly impossible to give that to her, when we were so close and he just slipped away without any possible way for me to protect either my earth angel or my heavens Angel.
If I could just turn back the clock.
It's here.
The number I've sort of been dreading.
9.
The amount of time you Carter should have been growing.
The amount of time it probably would have taken you to crawl and or walk.
Instead the number of months you have been gone.
The number I now know for certain that my body can certainly not carry a baby for.
9.
Conceivably - odd choice of word- Had I a normal functioning female body- Caila and Carter could be on there way to a sibling by now. I could at this very moment be in a hospital bed resting, had we as many suggested been pregnant by our due date. But we weren't we aren't.
Would it make 9 months any better? No, maybe slightly less of a sting.
Caila asks about Carter more and more these days. Would we have taken him here? Would he have liked to have gone there? "We don't have a stroller Mommy, what would he have gone in?" We don't have a stroller because he didn't stay long enough for us to buy one.
All of these things lead me to the reason that 9months stings in someways I think more then a year will. When a baby is 9 months old you begin to prepare for a first birthday. I'm thinking of a 1st memorial service. Should we have one ? (yes) Should it be just our nuclear family (just we three, probably) Will I ever again think of Caila's birthday without thinking of Carters Angel Day? (probably not- because as I now realize that December is only 3months away, that means Caila's Birthday is around the corner also.
And in the midst of all of this when in a quiet moment my daughter says to me I still want to be a Sister, and its seemingly impossible to give that to her, when we were so close and he just slipped away without any possible way for me to protect either my earth angel or my heavens Angel.
If I could just turn back the clock.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Assumption of a better outcome.....
The last few weeks have not been bright and shiny for me. I'm not sitting home crying all day, even though on some days I wish I could.I've always jokingly said I suffer from S.A.D. and maybe with the cooler weather over the last few weeks and certainly a cloudy gray day today its surely not helping. Thoughts have crept in almost daily about how poorly our hospital reacted, what could have been done to save our son and how I'm certain with extraordinary measures the outcome would have been different.
Today I would have taken Caila and Carter to the National Aviary ( She has been quiet about Carter in the last month and out of the blue today asked if we would have taken him, what kind of stroller he would have had and did I think he would have liked the noisy birds- I want to say I hope she never feels this pain, but its too late she already has).
In my daily blog readings and searching (because the Internet has become my addiction) I came across a blog today about a women who was diagnosed with IC at 23 1/2 wks. Her Dr. immediately admitted her to the hospital and put her on strict bed rest. Two wks later at 25 1/2 wks she is continuing to shorten and she said preparing herself for preterm delivery and life with a NICU. Conflicting thoughts entered my mind as I read her story: #1) All the measure they are taking to get her to a viable baby could have been done for our Carter, Why couldn't her story be ours? #2) Full time hospital bed rest never being sure of the outcome, heavily medicated daily, its not an easy road.
My assumption of a better outcome had things been different??? The road would still have been treacherous
Today I would have taken Caila and Carter to the National Aviary ( She has been quiet about Carter in the last month and out of the blue today asked if we would have taken him, what kind of stroller he would have had and did I think he would have liked the noisy birds- I want to say I hope she never feels this pain, but its too late she already has).
In my daily blog readings and searching (because the Internet has become my addiction) I came across a blog today about a women who was diagnosed with IC at 23 1/2 wks. Her Dr. immediately admitted her to the hospital and put her on strict bed rest. Two wks later at 25 1/2 wks she is continuing to shorten and she said preparing herself for preterm delivery and life with a NICU. Conflicting thoughts entered my mind as I read her story: #1) All the measure they are taking to get her to a viable baby could have been done for our Carter, Why couldn't her story be ours? #2) Full time hospital bed rest never being sure of the outcome, heavily medicated daily, its not an easy road.
My assumption of a better outcome had things been different??? The road would still have been treacherous
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Addendum to Human Anatomy & Physiology
I'm going to depart from my normal posts here about Love and Loss. This will forever be Carter's blog but I think writing here (for the 5-10 people that read) has a higher purpose because of Carter. We had Carter because of long journey one that many more then you can imagine embark on daily....
It doesn't matter if its High School or College. Health class or Anatomy, that first place we learn about conception, procreation or "the birds and the bees". Its all very basic egg meets sperm presto magico you have a baby. Many people are blessed to fall into this category. No thought, no setting the stage it just happens. Thirty something professionals and junkies alike. Nine months later a baby appears.
Caila was our miracle baby in that sense. No Dr's no temping no planning,,,, no thinking.... We were blessed and then lulled into a sense of normalcy. Wrong answer. Over the last decade of surgery, Dr's and myriad of other things that could have turned my body into a walking pharmaceutical I realized all things missing out of the back of the textbook.
Depending on my mood on a given day I would add one or both of these warning labels:
The feeling Strong Days:
When you meet the Man of your dreams and decide to start a family things may not go your way. The 5-10 yr plan may turn into 10-15,and you will be tested beyond what you ever would have imagined. No matter the outcome you will learn from it, become closer as a couple and realize again and again why you married the one you did. Nobody else could have held your hand tighter through the darkness. No one else would have realized the hidden qualities in your character that only trial and pain can illuminate. It will hurt like hell, but you will survive together.
Then on the days I want to crawl into bed pull up the covers and say enough I'm done I would write this:
Edit- The day I started to write this post was not one of those days, tomorrow I know will be....
There comes a moment when you realize that things are not going to be all fairy tale like. I have been a hopless romantic, reader of Jane Austen, lover of classical literature. Not anymore, We expect the worst to happen to us now, tend to not see the "sunny side up".
On the horridly painful days I would write. Simply Life will suck all the life out of you. Nothing will ever go your way, except for everyone around it seems. Not one person in our immediate circle has jumped through as many hoops just to have a baby. Yet everyone can tell us to be happy for the one we have. Well we are, but can we not still want one more? Is it ok for us to want what you all seem to have gotten so terribly easyily?
but for whatever reason, as much as want to stay dark and twisty I can't. The Disney princess in me still comes around, and I know that even if I had to eat the poison apple for all of our dreams to come true, in the end I probably would...
It doesn't matter if its High School or College. Health class or Anatomy, that first place we learn about conception, procreation or "the birds and the bees". Its all very basic egg meets sperm presto magico you have a baby. Many people are blessed to fall into this category. No thought, no setting the stage it just happens. Thirty something professionals and junkies alike. Nine months later a baby appears.
Caila was our miracle baby in that sense. No Dr's no temping no planning,,,, no thinking.... We were blessed and then lulled into a sense of normalcy. Wrong answer. Over the last decade of surgery, Dr's and myriad of other things that could have turned my body into a walking pharmaceutical I realized all things missing out of the back of the textbook.
Depending on my mood on a given day I would add one or both of these warning labels:
The feeling Strong Days:
When you meet the Man of your dreams and decide to start a family things may not go your way. The 5-10 yr plan may turn into 10-15,and you will be tested beyond what you ever would have imagined. No matter the outcome you will learn from it, become closer as a couple and realize again and again why you married the one you did. Nobody else could have held your hand tighter through the darkness. No one else would have realized the hidden qualities in your character that only trial and pain can illuminate. It will hurt like hell, but you will survive together.
Then on the days I want to crawl into bed pull up the covers and say enough I'm done I would write this:
Edit- The day I started to write this post was not one of those days, tomorrow I know will be....
There comes a moment when you realize that things are not going to be all fairy tale like. I have been a hopless romantic, reader of Jane Austen, lover of classical literature. Not anymore, We expect the worst to happen to us now, tend to not see the "sunny side up".
On the horridly painful days I would write. Simply Life will suck all the life out of you. Nothing will ever go your way, except for everyone around it seems. Not one person in our immediate circle has jumped through as many hoops just to have a baby. Yet everyone can tell us to be happy for the one we have. Well we are, but can we not still want one more? Is it ok for us to want what you all seem to have gotten so terribly easyily?
but for whatever reason, as much as want to stay dark and twisty I can't. The Disney princess in me still comes around, and I know that even if I had to eat the poison apple for all of our dreams to come true, in the end I probably would...
Thursday, August 14, 2008
When the inevitable happens
In the midst of dreaming your plans for your life we (well at least I have learned) as part of human nature (even those of us that consider ourselves optimists) tend to also think of all the things that could go wrong. When your worst case scenario becomes reality its hard to know (even if you think you know yourself well) who you will be on the other side.
I don't think it worked that way for me. I knew instantly that once we worked our way through the darkest hours of losing our son ( though there will always be those days when the darkness creeps in) that I was different. My priorities, my needs my ability to deal. It became a control issue. Even though we/ I now know that everything is out of our control. I needed no more surprises in the day hours weeks and months that have followed. Today the surprise happened.
Infertility is a many headed monster- so when we became pregnant with Carter and began to announce to the world our excitement after so many years- we told everyone we knew. My first purchase of maternity clothing was a t-shirt with the word BABY in giant letters. It still hangs in my closet today. The only downside to telling so many many people is when you lose that which you love, you have to share the sorrow as well as the joy. Sorrow is so much harder to swallow then joy.
I realize that this post is beginning to ramble but I'm getting to the point. This has not been a good emotional week for me. I have felt pretty much unhinged or at the verge of it almost daily. You see a year ago this week we knew for sure we were pregnant finally after 7 yrs, and we should be getting ready to introduce our new baby to many friends at the annual summer picnic we attend every year. A place where we don't see a majority of these faces except for yearly and I know we will receive many sympathies. But tonight was probably the worst. The inevitable finally happened, my fear that I knew would happen really happened.
We went to dinner, just the three of us. To our quiet place where we never, ever, ever.....see....anyone...we....know. Except for tonight. We ran into a family we know. The last time I saw them was 3 weeks to the day before Carter grew his angel wings. I had completely forgotten this interaction and went over to say Hi. She asked me a question that I didn't hear the first time apparently because I answered with "OH Caila's here she's in the bathroom", to which she responded, "Is the baby with you?" Stunned, doesn't' cut it... I didn't even remember that this family even knew we were pregnant. So there in our quiet place I share Carter's story. The worst thing that could happen as part of the worst thing that could happen did. But with a cause I believe. You see this particular friend is studying to be a Nurse Practitioner. She's almost done, and she's now with a perinatal (Maternal Fetal Medicine) practice, she's knows where we've been to get to Carter and where we will need to be to try again. So as hard as this was, I'm trying with all of my heart to believe that she was sent to us tonight as a sign. Maybe just maybe we will see her again soon...........
I don't think it worked that way for me. I knew instantly that once we worked our way through the darkest hours of losing our son ( though there will always be those days when the darkness creeps in) that I was different. My priorities, my needs my ability to deal. It became a control issue. Even though we/ I now know that everything is out of our control. I needed no more surprises in the day hours weeks and months that have followed. Today the surprise happened.
Infertility is a many headed monster- so when we became pregnant with Carter and began to announce to the world our excitement after so many years- we told everyone we knew. My first purchase of maternity clothing was a t-shirt with the word BABY in giant letters. It still hangs in my closet today. The only downside to telling so many many people is when you lose that which you love, you have to share the sorrow as well as the joy. Sorrow is so much harder to swallow then joy.
I realize that this post is beginning to ramble but I'm getting to the point. This has not been a good emotional week for me. I have felt pretty much unhinged or at the verge of it almost daily. You see a year ago this week we knew for sure we were pregnant finally after 7 yrs, and we should be getting ready to introduce our new baby to many friends at the annual summer picnic we attend every year. A place where we don't see a majority of these faces except for yearly and I know we will receive many sympathies. But tonight was probably the worst. The inevitable finally happened, my fear that I knew would happen really happened.
We went to dinner, just the three of us. To our quiet place where we never, ever, ever.....see....anyone...we....know. Except for tonight. We ran into a family we know. The last time I saw them was 3 weeks to the day before Carter grew his angel wings. I had completely forgotten this interaction and went over to say Hi. She asked me a question that I didn't hear the first time apparently because I answered with "OH Caila's here she's in the bathroom", to which she responded, "Is the baby with you?" Stunned, doesn't' cut it... I didn't even remember that this family even knew we were pregnant. So there in our quiet place I share Carter's story. The worst thing that could happen as part of the worst thing that could happen did. But with a cause I believe. You see this particular friend is studying to be a Nurse Practitioner. She's almost done, and she's now with a perinatal (Maternal Fetal Medicine) practice, she's knows where we've been to get to Carter and where we will need to be to try again. So as hard as this was, I'm trying with all of my heart to believe that she was sent to us tonight as a sign. Maybe just maybe we will see her again soon...........
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Eight Months
Dear Carter,
I can hardly beleive that it has been 8 months since we held you in our arms. So much has happened that you should have been apart, and yet you are.
Caila and I stayed home today and I just kept wondering what would have been different if you would have been home with us. What kind of baby would you have been? Would you have like mornings? Would you have been a napper? What kind of Big Sister would Caila be? Although I know she would be a great one and Love you so much, we all do. We wish you could be here with us everday. I wish you were her to rock to sleep and sing lullabies to and for Caila and Daddy to steal kisses and snuggles from.
I hope you know how much We all loved and Wanted you.... I hope you know that everyday.
Love,
Mommy
I can hardly beleive that it has been 8 months since we held you in our arms. So much has happened that you should have been apart, and yet you are.
Caila and I stayed home today and I just kept wondering what would have been different if you would have been home with us. What kind of baby would you have been? Would you have like mornings? Would you have been a napper? What kind of Big Sister would Caila be? Although I know she would be a great one and Love you so much, we all do. We wish you could be here with us everday. I wish you were her to rock to sleep and sing lullabies to and for Caila and Daddy to steal kisses and snuggles from.
I hope you know how much We all loved and Wanted you.... I hope you know that everyday.
Love,
Mommy
Thursday, July 31, 2008
2nd Opinions or 2nd Guessing?
This week I went to see yet another Doctor. Partly because we just are not ready to say we are done yet, and partly because I think when longer then 3wks go between Dr's appointments for me I start to go through withdrawel.
We discussed all the normal issues required with new patient appointments and then we discussed Carter. I knew we would, he is forever part of our story. I had thought I had prepared myself for the possibilities. Most of the conversation was based in medical thoughts, but the moment he said " Your loss is puzzling, because with all your other issues one wouldnt expect a loss at 20weeks, 12weeks maybe but certainly not at 20! " I felt like the stunned boxer that was thought to be down for the count then slowly getting up feels stablized when POW, down you go again.
This will be my 3rd Doctor in nearly 3 times as many years, and maybe hopefully, as the saying goes the 3rd time is a charm.
We discussed all the normal issues required with new patient appointments and then we discussed Carter. I knew we would, he is forever part of our story. I had thought I had prepared myself for the possibilities. Most of the conversation was based in medical thoughts, but the moment he said " Your loss is puzzling, because with all your other issues one wouldnt expect a loss at 20weeks, 12weeks maybe but certainly not at 20! " I felt like the stunned boxer that was thought to be down for the count then slowly getting up feels stablized when POW, down you go again.
This will be my 3rd Doctor in nearly 3 times as many years, and maybe hopefully, as the saying goes the 3rd time is a charm.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Coming home
In the first days and weeks of knowing your pregnant you plan so much of the following 9months and possibly 90yrs for the baby your are growing. When you add to that 7yrs of trying for your baby and a daughter waiting to be a sister the plans were likely made before the pink line appeared on the stick, especially if infertility has been a battle, the likliehood of having peed on 100's of sticks before getting that one that actually turned +, those plans have been cemented for years.
The first stinging minutes hours days and weeks of knowing our son would never come home with us to fulfill those dreams play over and over like a tape recorder. So many things changed, I didn't know where to start in my mind. The first question Caila asked was will we still go on vacation, our immediate answer was no. But we did. And we survived. Even in our pain I still try to keep a positive outlook and continued to tell the three of us that it would be ok, it wouldnt matter that other babies had been born this year and that we should have been doing all of those "baby mommy" things together. We would be ok. Now I know I was convincing myself more then I was encouraging them. It sucked, more then I ever thought it could. Yet at the same time it was ok.
Carter has taught me so many things in his absence, and when I find myself losing clarity and getting into that rut of routine he comes back and reminds me. There are days when I feel like Caila is ok, then she reminds that Carter would have really liked the ocean. I hope so Carter, but more then anything I just wish you were here.
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