Sadness mixed with Celebration...

The Christmas Tree came down today. The tree that I so badly wanted after thanksgiving, that I put the brave face on to finally get, the tree we put hardly any ornaments on, became the tree we have loved the most. Caila and I usually make a ritual of taking the ornaments off in the same way we put them on, one last day of Christmas Music, then Rob puts away the lights. Not this year, Rob did it all. There is usually sadness when the tree comes down. When Caila was little she used to point at the marks in the carpet and say "tree here". Not this year. Then I fast forward to next Christmas, what should have been Carter's first Christmas. He won't be here, there will be no first Christmas ornaments with his name, and I wonder if the pain will be worse then?

We also started the first of what will be many of Caila's birthday celebrations. Rob's parents came to visit today and share an early celebration (and I think also with an ulterior motive of distracting/checking in all of which we needed ) for Caila. We are big on birthdays in the Pennsylvania Rentz family. Traditionally we like to give everyone a weekend long celebration, which can very often stretch for a few weeks especially if bad weather puts a "damper" on our plans. The choice in restaurant took us awhile with each of us sort of trying to persuade one way or the other. Caila even through out my two favorite restaurants, but I talked her out of them for fear of the possibility of seeing people. So we ended up at Red Robin where 20 minutes into dinner I had a realization that this is her last single digit birthday, the thought was quick and true to my personality without much effort I said it out loud as soon as it hit my brain. The moment it left my mouth I wanted to run and cry. My baby, our only living baby, will be 9 in a few days, these 9 years have gone so fast in nine more she will graduate from High School. I pray that the heartache she feels for baby brother Carter will be the worst of what she has to endure in her life. We left Red Robin with balloons one blue one that was given to her after her happy birthday song and an extra that we grabbed on the way out, when Caila with the biggest smile I've seen on her face in weeks quietly leaned in to me and whispered, "Mommy, can we send these to Carter?" In facing his death she has been such a wonderful big sister, I can only imagine how good she would have been to him had he lived.

They just get it!

There are moments in life when you are given choices, especially in friendships. So many times I feel like I have made the wrong choice. Could've said something different, could have "been there" more could've, could've, could've.... sometimes I just needed to "get it", not say anything at all, just get what my friends needed at that moment. To those whose needs I didn't get at that moment, I'm sorry, but now I get it.
We have been blessed, Rob and I, actually even Caila, we have all been blessed with friends that get it. Whatever it may be at that moment, because as much as we need each other now, we need to know that someone outside these walls (even if we choose not to leave them) is okay with who we are now, because we are different. Grown-ups we somewhat expect to "get it", but not really, because that means you have walked in some type of uncomfortable shoes yourself and we wouldn't want that for you. Kids though, they are different, especially at the "tweener" age of our dear daughter. Caila has been in such a grown-up world for the last 3 weeks dealing with emotions, and facing the fact of mortality that no mother wants her nearly 9yr old to have to realize. We are blessed that she talks and doesnt internalize, but even as husband and wife WE need someone other then ourselves, a peer to talk with. How does a child do that? How many 8 or 9 year old girls would "get it"? Would we want them to? Caila has also been blessed with friends that get it, one so sweet that she could cry with her and I think that moment lifted a heavy burden from her heart. She seemed to realize "Hey its okay that this is part of me, who I am now and you are okay with my sadness". Oh if only I could be eight.......

A Pair of Shoes

There are so many families that quietly grieve the loss of their baby. Fortunately yet sadly, I have had the opportunity to share in their stories and journey through healing through message boards and blogs. One of these incredibly strong women shared this poem, as a reminder that We are all part of the same club; A club of grieving, hurting, parents, siblings and grandparents. A club we wish we didn't belong to, A club that many people would rather not even acknowledge exists. A club WE wish did not exist, A club where we are all given the same shoes upon entrance.....

"A Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes.

Uncomfortable shoes.

I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

They are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in this world.

Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.

Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.

Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown

Three Weeks

Measuring time in weeks is a badge of honor during pregnancy and the first few months of life. At what point will I stop measuring the time that has passed since Carter earned his angel wings. Today is Three weeks. Three weeks ago today I was sitting in this very spot and Rob and I were so happy. Caila and I had done some Christmas shopping and she declared that next christmas she would take Carter on the Santa train at the local mall. A train that she has always refused to ride because she was alone, but next year she would be a big sister and take her baby brother on the train. Even Caila has memories, ones of lost potential just like Rob and I share. Could we have sheltered her from that? Made her less aware? Part of me wishes we would have, the part that wants to save her from pain. The reality is I wouldnt change Caila's involvement, he was is a real part of our lives she knows that she's a big sister even if for now its only in her heart.

Trying to be normal(if there is such a thing).

Merry Christmas, we had a wonderful day as a family, and we kept it somewhat lowkey yet somehow I couldn't keep my mind focused on the day, I just thought the day would be so different.
Christmas Day 2007, five months ago I had dreams of how we would enjoy this day as a family, none of them ever included standing over the grave of our son. Things change and this Christmas we found ourselves at the cemetary, a place where I have never felt any comfort being, but now a place that I need to be. I never understood it until today. Even going I wasn't sure what I would feel, how I would act once we arrived at the place we had our tiny baby Carter laid to rest. Standing over the grave I cried, and it didnt matter who saw me or how long I stood there or that Caila was with me, here normal is sad, normal is grief and a pain so heavy you cant breathe. Its ok to feel those things here, its expected.
Yes today I was in the pit, an ever dark place that I dont even know that I wanted to leave. Today even though I truly rest in the fact that Carter is in Heaven participating in what I can only imagine is the most incredible celebration of Jesus birth, I didnt care, today I wanted him here.

Christmas Eve

Christmas is filled with so many emotions when we examine the true meaning of the season. This morning I was struck by the song "Mary did you know?". Did she really know what her Son was sent here to accomplish? I at this moment cannot imagine that she did, I had my son for 5months and a day to hold him and my heart aches so much for him, I would have died for him from the moment I new he existed. Mary had her son for 30 years, like the song asks did she really know she the Son she gave so much of her time to the one that changed her life forever she raised just to die? How truly amazing if she did know.....


I am filled with so many mixed emotions. Carter was born so I feel like he should be here to spend his first Christmas with us, but he truly should still be with me growing and I should be waddling around with my big belly. Instead though our dear Carter is spending his first Christmas in Heaven, and as one of our truly wonderful friends reminded Caila, Carter gets to celebrate Jesus Birthday with Him and that celebration, I can only imagine...

A Note from Caila

Caila wrote this in the backpage of the guestbook from the memorial service, at some point during the day ...

Carter was loved and still is but my sad heart won’t stop. I miss him and I always will but one day I’ll see him again. When I see him it will be the most wonderful thing ever. In my heart I know we are a family of four. But I feel as if I am an only child, but I know I am not. Carter is having a great life in heaven.

I think a great job for anyone would be a doctor and help pregnant mothers so they don’t have the same problem we did.

Of course, I corrected some grammatical mistakes, but that is word-for-word what she wrote. Pretty heady stuff.

-- posted by Rob

Two Weeks......

Two weeks ago today, I thought I knew what lay ahead for us, the whole year seemed simply planned in our hearts and minds. The only thing I know now is that 2 weeks from today, our beautiful Caila will turn 9 and Carter will be one month our Angel. Two weeks from today, I should be returning to work, I say should because it just doesn't seem right to even think about.
This day was not a good one for any of us. Rob and I quietly talked about the fact the today marked 2 weeks, but tried to go about our day.
Caila was sad but I think trying to keep it from us, I don't quite know if she realizes the time that has passed, but somewhere she seems to. Again today she amazed us, she has many passions but the one she shares with her Daddy is Pittsburgh Penguin Hockey. Rob has tickets tomorrow and desperately wants to take me, I know I need to get out and go, but in my best effort to let her go she said "No Mommy, You go". We continue to be blessed by wonderful friends and family, supporting and helping us take one more step each day.

Hello Goodbye by Michael W. Smith

The words of this song could have come straight from my heart

Wheres the navigator of your destiny?

Where is the dealer of this hand?

Who can explain life and its brevity,

cause there is nothing here that I can understand

You and I have barely met And I just dont want to let go of you yet,

Chorus:

Noah, hello, goodbyeI will see you on the other side

Noah, sweet child of mineI will see you on the other side

And so I hold your tiny hand in mine,

For the hardest thing Ive ever had to face.

Heaven calls for you before it calls for me,

When you get there, save me a place.

A place where I can share your smile,

And I can hold you for more than just a while

Chorus

Dear Carter

Seven years we dreamed of you, and never really knew, how much we truly loved you
Until there was nothing we could do.
Our hearts completely broken, we miss you so many ways, and yet from you we
Learn something every day.
Big Sister are the words that Caila longed to hear, and even though you’re gone,
She will always hold you near.
Your Daddy loves you too, and I’m sure you already know, there are so many things
That He was waiting here to show.
Me? I long to hold you the way all Mommies do, nestled in my arms,
to make sure your dreams come true.
Instead you rest in Heaven, right by Jesus side; I hope you do not have to hear,
All the tears we cry.
Someday though, I know, a family of four we will be, right now here on earth we go on just as three.

Quiet House

My parents returned to California on Sunday and we have been alone as a family for 2 days now. The house is quiet, but we are moving slowly forward. Caila has fully returned to all of her activities, seems to be doing OK. Rob is back to work, and I am just getting through the day. Nighttime is difficult on all three of us, its quiet and we know that Carter is missing. Caila prays more diligently now, and reminds us to pray also, although I think that the only way I make it through a day is constant short prayers. Last night Caila prayed that Jesus would hug her baby brother for her and help him to have a wonderful Christmas, the night before she prayed that even if she's 100 that Carter would be there to meet her at the gates of Heaven. Our beautiful girl has more wisdom then I know how to handle.

The Airport

Today my parents returned to California. Leaving us alone for the first time. My mom was just here in early November and when we took her to the airport that time, I was certain that the next return trip home for them we would have Carter with us in a stroller to say our goodbyes. How I wish he was here with us still.

The Longest Week....

In some ways I'm grateful, but in others more heartbroken, that this week is over. It has been the longest week of our lives. Caila has returned to school, and if she is "busy" doing well, in those quiet moments though the pain is still to real. Everyday is different, I can't say easier or better, just different. Although Caila has returned somewhat to her routine Rob and I have yet to do so. Here is my beautifully strong almost 9yr old daughter that we've asked to pick up her life again, and yet we are unable to. Rob will return work on Monday, I can't begin to imagine going back to the place where the most painful day of my life began. In our hearts and minds we all had the next year of our lives planned, and to erase the would have been memories from our minds and start over somehow seems wrong.

Memorial Service

The most heartbreaking day of our lives, also filled our hearts with love. Our friends and family supporting us in remembering our baby boy was the most amazing gift you could all have given us. The amazing people in our lives, in Caila's life, that would have shared with us in Carter's, you all gave us what we could never have asked for by helping us to remember him. Along with the pain and grief we are feeling helping Caila to heal is our focus. She has been amazing, God has truly blessed us with her, and she has been blessed with amazing insight. Big Sister were the 2 most exciting words for her and she tells that she knows in her heart that she will always be Carter's big sister.

Who knows what lay ahead for us, but with the Love of God each day will be a new beginning.

Angel Baby

Thursday December 6th started like any other day. We did not wake up that day knowing that we would be forever changed. Shortly after arriving at work I began to experience pain that I quickly realized were contractions, at 20 weeks I knew that I should not have been feeling this pain. Rob picked up from work and by the time we made it to the hospital I was fully into the stages of labor and there was nothing they could do to stop the process. Our baby boy Carter was born and forever became our angel.

Our lives have forever been changed and we don't yet know where the healing process will take us. Right now we are focused on Caila and helping her heal, she continues to amaze us with her understanding, but what she wants more then anything and we wish we could give her is the baby brother she always wanted and never had the chance to know.