Christmas without Carter

Last Christmas, 19days after we said goodbye to our baby boy, was merely about survival. Proving to Caila (and really ourselves) that we could still somehow put one foot in front of the other, breath in and in out, and sometimes do all those things at the same time.
This Christmas should have been Carters 1st. Tearing paper, taking toys out of the boxes only to realize the box is the most fun part of the toy.
We didn't say much about, Caila talked to him in her bedtime prayers on Christmas Eve, unprompted by me, wondering what his 2ND Christmas in Heaven would be like. I wondered, in silence, how Christmas this year would have been different with 2. One 9yrs and one 9months. What would we have done differently, how would Carter have acted, how would the day have been different Caila, would we have stayed at home all day, what would we have bought for him, what would Caila have picked out him.
Its like writing the scene for a movie whose ending you would love to change, you know the ones, the one that you walk out of the theatre saying to yourself, Really? I sat through that for 2hrs and that's what they gave me? Only this is my life, and I/we were stuck in the same chapter for 8yrs when it seemed to be coming to a conclusion when the arc shifted. And we are now stuck in the dream sequence awaiting the Author to write the next scene.
Carter went to Heaven in 2007 we spent most of 2008 just learning to live with a portion of our heart missing, I can only imagine that 2009 has so much more offer.

A little Slice of Heaven

Beauty truly does come out of incredible pain. In my younger days I had an obsession with Australia. Now I truly know it is a little slice of Heaven. A family in Australia lost their Infant Son and as a tribute writes names in the sand. I'm not sure I've ever seen the Ocean look more peaceful.

52 weeks 365 Days 12months= 1 year

One year.


First Steps. First words. First Birthdays. First teeth. Baptism. Birthday.


All of the things that happen in the first year of with a new baby. All of the things that we will never celebrate with Carter.

I have thought alot this week about what I would write today. How I would feel , what we would do.

The odd part is that I have dreaded this day for the last 364, but now I know its just part of me. Who I am, who we are as a family. Like if your short or tall, skinny or not, 1 child or twins.

We have one living and one Angel. Forever. Its just part of us now.

So are other things. People. Friendships, new and old. Along with the questions the pain and the sorrow. You our friends and families became part of our story of Carter.

The friends who picked up my car and filled it with gas, cooked dinners, took Caila Christmas caroling, sent us beautiful gifts to remember our baby Son. Rob's Mom and Dad for making it possible for Caila to say hello and goodbye to her baby brother, my Mom and Dad for Dropping everything and flying 3, 000 miles to be see us through. All of it played a part in our mere survival.

Today

Today is Thursday. 52 Thursdays from the worst Thursday in my life. Yet, its not the 6th, so I won't go on today about Carter's birthday.

My sweet little man, I am thinking of you, as I do everyday, and maybe missing you more today then most.

Life would be so different for us all if you were here.

Why I shouldn't have watched ER

So I lied here I am posting. I guess I may on occassion have things to say regarding Carter- I always have thoughts about him- Just now I don't feel like sharing most of them, and quite honestly I'm not sure anyone would really want to see where my emotions take me from day to day. My counselor-that I haven't seen in months and probably should make time for- Questioned me on that - and said "You edit your feelings?" True- but somethings are just better left unsaid.

ER has for the entire run of the series been one of my favorite shows. I remember it being one of the first "Adult" dramas I stayed up to watch with my Mom. Some years I have been a ritualistic follower and others off and on. This being the last season I am paying close attention.
Maybe I shouldnt have this week- but in some ways, it really paralled our life since we lost Carter.
The new chief walks around in a hospital where her son died daily haunted by the events that occured there- Every day I walk into my office building where my labor began wondering what I missed- how things could have been different.
She talked about not leaving her house for 2yrs then going to work on Sunami relief efforts. On so many days I would chose not to leave the house if it wasnt for Caila- I think I can safely speak for husband that we both feel that way. And the relief efforts? When you can't make sense of what happened of the pain and your loss, giving to others, trying to lessen the pain they are experiencing just seems to give your life some meaning. I'm still trying to find that thing, that place that I can do that.

All of this effected me greatly while watching this week, well written, raw emotion, then I thought writers usually draw from personal experience and embellish so someone somewhere close to someone working on that show, I would bet has recently experienced pain no parent ever should. But what got to me the most was this quote:

“ If you lose a spouse, you're called a widow, or a widower. If you're a child and you lose your parents, then you're an orphan. But a what are you when you lose a child? "


I'm still a mother to a beautiful daughter, but that's what I struggle with, what am I now? and what will we become as a family.... all the questions that the long awaited conception of Carter seemed to answer- but so quickly was stolen from us.

Forever Remembered

Tomorrow is 10 months since I held my baby boy. Time is starting to slip away. All the would have should have could haves come up more and more frequently. The pain lingers. We are still sad. Caila asks daily about her baby brother in heaven. We miss him. We don't understand, will never understand. We miss him. We are still sad.

But we must move forward.

Because of this I will not be updating this blog anymore. I won't remove it, hopefully the ramblings of a grieving mother will help someone, somewhere. But what I really hope for is that there will never again be any grieving mother's. Research can help that, but that will all depend on who gets elected in November.

Thank you all for sharing in our journey of grief. Near or far you have helped us to continue to breath in and out more then you realize.


Dear Carter~

In our journey without you I hope that we continually see signs that you are with us.... and just know how very much we love you....

The balance of Love .....

Great emotion consumes you during pregnancy. Emotion that you at times feel can never be topped. Until that moment... the moment you hold that tiny person in your arms.... the miracle you never imagined feeling.
That moment for most is followed by the wave of responsiblity that comes crashing over you. This life this little person is yours for the keeping, you hold the keys to their safety security and overall well being.

I felt that wave so sincerely when Caila was born. How do I keep her safe ? How do I spare her from pain. Never considering that the most gut wrenching pain I could not keep her from, would put a test to all those questions.

One moment took that all away from me. In one moment I was unable to save our 2oweek old baby as my body failed me in ways you cannot begin to understand ( unless your reading this because you've been there and my heart breaks for you and I wish I could reach out and hold your hand) as I wrestled through that knowing I could do nothing to protect him. I also began to realize that not only could I not save our infant son, but the pain our dear daughter was about to experience I could not keep her from either. The moment she walked into that hospital room to meet the baby brother she would never know, and most likely her only chance at ever gaining the title of sister, that moment broke my heart forever. and there was nothing I could do, to protect either of my children. Sadly, the moment I went from mother of 2 to only mother of 1 living child, gave me greatest example of balancing love in a family...

Quote of the Week

One of the Angel Mom's that I've "met" had her Rainbow baby, what the stillborn infant loss community refers to as babies after a loss, our hope, our Rainbow Baby. I cried rivers of Joy today for her, even though I've never really met her. The bittersweetness of this birth for her I can only imagine.


I was reading this week about what I hope will be my new project for the next year, I hope to give more info soon. But as part of this event someone wrote the quote of the year for me....

"Even though your were Stillborn...... You....Were..... Still.....Born!!!!!!!!!!! "

Author Unknown

The littlest Big Feet

Its hard to know much about a baby born too soon. We can imagine what he would have been like, what he would have liked, what would have made him laugh.
Certain things we know.

He had dark hair, perfect hands and fingers, and the same nose as his Big Sister.

The detail that we cherish most are his feet. Perfect in every way, and just like his Daddy. They were huge.

He had great big feet for such a beautiful tiny baby.
Basketball would have been his game.

My dreaded number.

Nine.

It's here.
The number I've sort of been dreading.
9.
The amount of time you Carter should have been growing.
The amount of time it probably would have taken you to crawl and or walk.
Instead the number of months you have been gone.
The number I now know for certain that my body can certainly not carry a baby for.
9.
Conceivably - odd choice of word- Had I a normal functioning female body- Caila and Carter could be on there way to a sibling by now. I could at this very moment be in a hospital bed resting, had we as many suggested been pregnant by our due date. But we weren't we aren't.
Would it make 9 months any better? No, maybe slightly less of a sting.

Caila asks about Carter more and more these days. Would we have taken him here? Would he have liked to have gone there? "We don't have a stroller Mommy, what would he have gone in?" We don't have a stroller because he didn't stay long enough for us to buy one.

All of these things lead me to the reason that 9months stings in someways I think more then a year will. When a baby is 9 months old you begin to prepare for a first birthday. I'm thinking of a 1st memorial service. Should we have one ? (yes) Should it be just our nuclear family (just we three, probably) Will I ever again think of Caila's birthday without thinking of Carters Angel Day? (probably not- because as I now realize that December is only 3months away, that means Caila's Birthday is around the corner also.
And in the midst of all of this when in a quiet moment my daughter says to me I still want to be a Sister, and its seemingly impossible to give that to her, when we were so close and he just slipped away without any possible way for me to protect either my earth angel or my heavens Angel.

If I could just turn back the clock.

Assumption of a better outcome.....

The last few weeks have not been bright and shiny for me. I'm not sitting home crying all day, even though on some days I wish I could.I've always jokingly said I suffer from S.A.D. and maybe with the cooler weather over the last few weeks and certainly a cloudy gray day today its surely not helping. Thoughts have crept in almost daily about how poorly our hospital reacted, what could have been done to save our son and how I'm certain with extraordinary measures the outcome would have been different.
Today I would have taken Caila and Carter to the National Aviary ( She has been quiet about Carter in the last month and out of the blue today asked if we would have taken him, what kind of stroller he would have had and did I think he would have liked the noisy birds- I want to say I hope she never feels this pain, but its too late she already has).

In my daily blog readings and searching (because the Internet has become my addiction) I came across a blog today about a women who was diagnosed with IC at 23 1/2 wks. Her Dr. immediately admitted her to the hospital and put her on strict bed rest. Two wks later at 25 1/2 wks she is continuing to shorten and she said preparing herself for preterm delivery and life with a NICU. Conflicting thoughts entered my mind as I read her story: #1) All the measure they are taking to get her to a viable baby could have been done for our Carter, Why couldn't her story be ours? #2) Full time hospital bed rest never being sure of the outcome, heavily medicated daily, its not an easy road.

My assumption of a better outcome had things been different??? The road would still have been treacherous

Addendum to Human Anatomy & Physiology

I'm going to depart from my normal posts here about Love and Loss. This will forever be Carter's blog but I think writing here (for the 5-10 people that read) has a higher purpose because of Carter. We had Carter because of long journey one that many more then you can imagine embark on daily....


It doesn't matter if its High School or College. Health class or Anatomy, that first place we learn about conception, procreation or "the birds and the bees". Its all very basic egg meets sperm presto magico you have a baby. Many people are blessed to fall into this category. No thought, no setting the stage it just happens. Thirty something professionals and junkies alike. Nine months later a baby appears.

Caila was our miracle baby in that sense. No Dr's no temping no planning,,,, no thinking.... We were blessed and then lulled into a sense of normalcy. Wrong answer. Over the last decade of surgery, Dr's and myriad of other things that could have turned my body into a walking pharmaceutical I realized all things missing out of the back of the textbook.

Depending on my mood on a given day I would add one or both of these warning labels:

The feeling Strong Days:

When you meet the Man of your dreams and decide to start a family things may not go your way. The 5-10 yr plan may turn into 10-15,and you will be tested beyond what you ever would have imagined. No matter the outcome you will learn from it, become closer as a couple and realize again and again why you married the one you did. Nobody else could have held your hand tighter through the darkness. No one else would have realized the hidden qualities in your character that only trial and pain can illuminate. It will hurt like hell, but you will survive together.


Then on the days I want to crawl into bed pull up the covers and say enough I'm done I would write this:
Edit- The day I started to write this post was not one of those days, tomorrow I know will be....

There comes a moment when you realize that things are not going to be all fairy tale like. I have been a hopless romantic, reader of Jane Austen, lover of classical literature. Not anymore, We expect the worst to happen to us now, tend to not see the "sunny side up".
On the horridly painful days I would write. Simply Life will suck all the life out of you. Nothing will ever go your way, except for everyone around it seems. Not one person in our immediate circle has jumped through as many hoops just to have a baby. Yet everyone can tell us to be happy for the one we have. Well we are, but can we not still want one more? Is it ok for us to want what you all seem to have gotten so terribly easyily?

but for whatever reason, as much as want to stay dark and twisty I can't. The Disney princess in me still comes around, and I know that even if I had to eat the poison apple for all of our dreams to come true, in the end I probably would...

When the inevitable happens

In the midst of dreaming your plans for your life we (well at least I have learned) as part of human nature (even those of us that consider ourselves optimists) tend to also think of all the things that could go wrong. When your worst case scenario becomes reality its hard to know (even if you think you know yourself well) who you will be on the other side.

I don't think it worked that way for me. I knew instantly that once we worked our way through the darkest hours of losing our son ( though there will always be those days when the darkness creeps in) that I was different. My priorities, my needs my ability to deal. It became a control issue. Even though we/ I now know that everything is out of our control. I needed no more surprises in the day hours weeks and months that have followed. Today the surprise happened.

Infertility is a many headed monster- so when we became pregnant with Carter and began to announce to the world our excitement after so many years- we told everyone we knew. My first purchase of maternity clothing was a t-shirt with the word BABY in giant letters. It still hangs in my closet today. The only downside to telling so many many people is when you lose that which you love, you have to share the sorrow as well as the joy. Sorrow is so much harder to swallow then joy.
I realize that this post is beginning to ramble but I'm getting to the point. This has not been a good emotional week for me. I have felt pretty much unhinged or at the verge of it almost daily. You see a year ago this week we knew for sure we were pregnant finally after 7 yrs, and we should be getting ready to introduce our new baby to many friends at the annual summer picnic we attend every year. A place where we don't see a majority of these faces except for yearly and I know we will receive many sympathies. But tonight was probably the worst. The inevitable finally happened, my fear that I knew would happen really happened.
We went to dinner, just the three of us. To our quiet place where we never, ever, ever.....see....anyone...we....know. Except for tonight. We ran into a family we know. The last time I saw them was 3 weeks to the day before Carter grew his angel wings. I had completely forgotten this interaction and went over to say Hi. She asked me a question that I didn't hear the first time apparently because I answered with "OH Caila's here she's in the bathroom", to which she responded, "Is the baby with you?" Stunned, doesn't' cut it... I didn't even remember that this family even knew we were pregnant. So there in our quiet place I share Carter's story. The worst thing that could happen as part of the worst thing that could happen did. But with a cause I believe. You see this particular friend is studying to be a Nurse Practitioner. She's almost done, and she's now with a perinatal (Maternal Fetal Medicine) practice, she's knows where we've been to get to Carter and where we will need to be to try again. So as hard as this was, I'm trying with all of my heart to believe that she was sent to us tonight as a sign. Maybe just maybe we will see her again soon...........

Eight Months

Dear Carter,

I can hardly beleive that it has been 8 months since we held you in our arms. So much has happened that you should have been apart, and yet you are.
Caila and I stayed home today and I just kept wondering what would have been different if you would have been home with us. What kind of baby would you have been? Would you have like mornings? Would you have been a napper? What kind of Big Sister would Caila be? Although I know she would be a great one and Love you so much, we all do. We wish you could be here with us everday. I wish you were her to rock to sleep and sing lullabies to and for Caila and Daddy to steal kisses and snuggles from.
I hope you know how much We all loved and Wanted you.... I hope you know that everyday.

Love,

Mommy

2nd Opinions or 2nd Guessing?

This week I went to see yet another Doctor. Partly because we just are not ready to say we are done yet, and partly because I think when longer then 3wks go between Dr's appointments for me I start to go through withdrawel.
We discussed all the normal issues required with new patient appointments and then we discussed Carter. I knew we would, he is forever part of our story. I had thought I had prepared myself for the possibilities. Most of the conversation was based in medical thoughts, but the moment he said " Your loss is puzzling, because with all your other issues one wouldnt expect a loss at 20weeks, 12weeks maybe but certainly not at 20! " I felt like the stunned boxer that was thought to be down for the count then slowly getting up feels stablized when POW, down you go again.
This will be my 3rd Doctor in nearly 3 times as many years, and maybe hopefully, as the saying goes the 3rd time is a charm.

Coming home

In the first days and weeks of knowing your pregnant you plan so much of the following 9months and possibly 90yrs for the baby your are growing. When you add to that 7yrs of trying for your baby and a daughter waiting to be a sister the plans were likely made before the pink line appeared on the stick, especially if infertility has been a battle, the likliehood of having peed on 100's of sticks before getting that one that actually turned +, those plans have been cemented for years.
The first stinging minutes hours days and weeks of knowing our son would never come home with us to fulfill those dreams play over and over like a tape recorder. So many things changed, I didn't know where to start in my mind. The first question Caila asked was will we still go on vacation, our immediate answer was no. But we did. And we survived. Even in our pain I still try to keep a positive outlook and continued to tell the three of us that it would be ok, it wouldnt matter that other babies had been born this year and that we should have been doing all of those "baby mommy" things together. We would be ok. Now I know I was convincing myself more then I was encouraging them. It sucked, more then I ever thought it could. Yet at the same time it was ok.
Carter has taught me so many things in his absence, and when I find myself losing clarity and getting into that rut of routine he comes back and reminds me. There are days when I feel like Caila is ok, then she reminds that Carter would have really liked the ocean. I hope so Carter, but more then anything I just wish you were here.

Vacation minus one....

Friday we will leave for our family vacation. The what should have been first trip as a family of four. Instead it will be a bittersweet adventure with three. I had begun to feel like myself again, really like myself, and because of that I was completely unprepared for the wave that hit this week. Not just me, but our entire house, I guess that will always happen with milestones and big adventures. Once I began to pack I started to think where would I have put all of Carters thing, what would be my favorite outfit on him. Then I remembered all the summer outfits I bought for him just days after we knew he was a boy. Up in the attic I went to find that bag and search through all the tiny clothes we had all ready for him. Then it occurred to me what I needed/wanted had to do. I'm not sure what will eventually happen with all of his clothes, but for the one favorite outfit, and for one special bear that a dear friend of mine sent Caila after Carter died, that one outfit made Caila's day. I quietly took her bear and dressed him in our favorite outfit that we had hoped to be dressing Carter in, but instead I handed Caila back her bear newly dressed as he was previously naked, and she just looked at me and squeezed that bear as hard as she could, I just wish she could squeeze her baby brother instead.

New blog take 2

After unsuccessfully trying to start a new blog on a new network, I gave up and just started a new blog here. I will continue to update Carters blog, but in an effort to not only focus on the pain of losing our son but to find away to honor him by moving forward visit our family blog.

mancavefamily.blogspot.com

Random Blogging Strangers

Over the course of the last 7months I have "met" many people, woman specifically, who have walked in our horribly painful shoes. We have also "met" those who have turned tragedies into such tremendous blessing. One of those women, (whom I've never met, nor had a conversation with other then a few random posts on her blog) this brave soul really put her heart on her sleave this weekend. Raw emotion that truly brought me to tears. I We have have struggled to know our path in this journey, our journey that did not lead us to a fork in the road that we were waiting for but rather had a catastrophic earthquake shatter the road we thought we should take. I feel confident that her words so blantantly meant for us, that I'm ok with what may be ahead..... Someday soon I'll share with you, but for now~ Carter our angel on your 7month Angelversary, for now and for the first time in 7months, I do feel hope.

4th of July

We visited Carter on the 4th. My mom and I remembered Pinwheels that a roadside store sold near where my Grandfathers resting place is in California. I couldnt find any regular size Pinwheels but we found some minis. We took a few pictures sorry for the blanks I used a new website and couldnt figure out how to use only one page.

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Healing, Hurting & Living

Any new adventure, for most people, brings a certain amount of adrelaine. Good or bad, pain or enjoyment, new found energy comes along with most journeys.
The beginning of our journey without Carter was not any different. Enthused, if you will, I prayed more, prayed with our daughter more, read the bible more, went to church more. Tried to find the meaning of life, not in general, but my life, our life as a family. That was just 2 days short of 7months ago. We have for the most part gone back to existing, but in a much lesser capacity then we did prior to Dec. 6Th. I think about it, the Indiana Jones bravery I felt in the beginning, how do I get that back, where do we go from here? But then I sleep, and I lose the strength, something quickly sets me back and it becomes another day to just exist. So on July 4Th I relate this to our nation, the early settlers, the founding fathers, the soldiers who gave their lives. How many times did they wish they would have stayed where ever they came from? How many of them ever actually saw/ realized what the sacrifices they made gave us.... because as much as it sucks, greatness seems to always come from pain and sacrifice.

Happy 4Th!

First and Last

Tomorrow is Caila's last day of 3rd grade. I have had many thoughts about this today and for some of them I wasn't sure if they belong here or on the family blog. (really it is fully functional because I tried a new "space" and I'm having problems getting all the fun things working).
So at the risk of seeming to have a split-personality I'll probably write two completely different versions of what this day will mean to me.
I could post a first and last day picture side by side, which is what I had originally intended to do in the onset of this blog. On Caila's first day of 3rd grade we were 6wks pregnant with our precious boy, and planning ahead we could not wait to have that family picture on the last day of 3rd grade. Caila nearing 91/2 yrs, Carter somewhere around 9wks. I will forever look at scrapbooks and see the empty arms that should be full. Those moments will never go away; That doesn't mean we overlook the blessings, I think it makes us appreciate them more, but the hurt will always be present.
So tomorrow there will be tears I'm sure, for so many reasons. Caila, my baby girl, is closing in on her first decade of life, Carter my angel baby who will never get a first and last, and to all the unknowns that are around the bend.
I think by the end of the day tomorrow there will be a bottle of wine somewhere with my name on it......

Whats Next.....

I wanted to do this heartfelt Fathers Day post.... but I just didn't have it in me. Mothers Day was hard, but fathers day seemed worse. Not to lessen the life of our daughter but because I think of Fathers and sons, and ours is missing from the picture. Not only just our son, but a missing grandson for both families but specifically for mine. I'm an only. An only only. No girl cousins, no boy cousins. Carter would have been the first boy on my side. Since the moment I knew that Rob was the one I had asked that if we ever had a son we could somehow honor my Dad in his name. And now Carter, Carter Alexander isn't here, and we miss him. We wish he could be here. There clarity of peace love and understanding is starting to be clouded with time.
So whats next? Some ask, some want to but don't. There are days I want to ask but can't ask myself. Our goal is still to grow our family, somehow. The proverbial wrench keeps jarring into our plans lately, but I guess that's the point we need to learn there is a greater, higher purpose, then OUR plans. HIS plans seem to be different from ours and excepting that is so difficult. Knowing what we are supposed to do next is the worst part. How do we differentiate between what we want, what's best for our family and what our purpose really is? How do we know? All the age old life questions that we all ask from time to time, that I just can't seem to wrap my head around any longer...

Difficult conversations

We all have them. The ones we want to add to but just can't. I've had so many of these over the last few weeks. Summer is such a social time for us, for most people, but we definitely try to squeeze as much as we can into our summers after a long winter of being cooped up.
Social Butterfly~ I vividly remember my childhood Pastor referring to me in that way. Normally I can't wait for the next social event to be placed on our calendar, to the point of self induced ADD. This year-not so much, anxiety sets in where the joy of meeting new people used to be. One can never be sure where conversations may go, but inevitably you can be sure that in a group of mothers stories turn to pregnancy and childbirth. Oh sure, I can relate to them, and sometimes share things that occurred or that I learned with Caila. Those things I have had 9yrs to be comfortable sharing. There have been, however, moments when relative, pertinent information about Carter, pregnancy, birth, prenatal care, would fit perfectly into that conversation. That also means baring my soul, placing pain on serving tray and waiting for uncomfortable silence.
The good news is that by the time I contemplate all of this, conversation has gone elsewhere and I'm safe. That is until there is an actual elephant (a.k.a. pregnant lady in the room). Then its worse, wanting to offer advice (but I can't because I'm every mothers worst nightmare) and just plain wanting to talk about Carter to someone, because then he's touched the life of one more person.
Two random women opened the door for me to share my difficulty with in the last few weeks, and while I did get the awkward silent pause, they still let me share and on those days it made all the difference.

Six months and I'm still counting.....

Its hard to believe we are standing here 6 months from the worst day of our lives. Rob and I talked today and it just feels like an alternate life now. We have all moved through many stages of grief.
Here are just a few examples:

The day my parents went home and we stopped to Christmas shop and Caila tried to throw herself in front of the (proverbial) "moving car" that was a newborn baby, because my then 8yr old wanted to save me from any more pain, or the day I had my nails done before going back to work and when asked how many children I have I paused and boldly said 2, then to last weekend where we can now thoroughly enjoy our nearly 7month old nephew/cousin.

Many, many stages of emotions have come somewhere between all those moments. But somehow we are still standing. Heading into summer renews the sense of loss as I would have been home with both of our kids, doing the things that all the Mom's do in the warm weather. Instead now I try and make time to get to the cemetery, which happens so much less frequently then I would like, I hope that Carter understands. So much has changed in 6months that in one breathe seems forever and in others the blink of any eye.
Caila started a random conversation the other day about how she misses Carter and how much she wanted to be a sister and as the moment progressed I saw how much she has grown, both physically and emotionally, most of her words I will keep to forever cherish in the Mom vault. I will however share with you what I found so very poignant.... Friends and family member have graciously given us some beautiful keepsakes to remember our boy we cherish them all, to which Caila thought "Mommy even though we can't see him, he brought so many Angels to our house"..... I sure hope they stay, because I know they've had to carry us all from time to time....

New Blog

Visit our new blog about mundane suburban life.... http://rainbowfamily.wordpress.com/

Quiet Days

The blog is quiet these days. May is a crazy time of year, especially when you have an elementary school child. I often sit at these events wondering how it would have worked out to be toting our beautiful boy around to all these outings, and so wishing we were. But at the same time I find myself to be ok, and wanting to share with all of you some of these wonderful events. However, this is Carters blog. A place for us to come and remember, to openly touch the missing piece of our hearts, and sadly for those who have also left a hospital without their beautiful babies, a place for comfort to know that you can move forward no matter how badly it sucks to do so! Because of all of this a new blog is under construction, one that will be about our family moving forward whatever that may mean..... so stay tuned.......

Motivation

This week has been a tough week for so many that I know. Today was not an especially pleasant day today, so when when a friend posted this today, it was just what I needed. Motivation, a reason to keep breathing in and out, placing one foot in front of the other. I hope you like it as much as I do.

C.W. Longenecker:
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low, and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit,

Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As everyone of us sometimes learns,

And many a failure turns about,

when he might have won had he stuck it out;

Don't give up though the pace seems slow,

You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out,

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell how close you are,

It may be near when it seems so far;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,

It's when things seem their worst that you mustn't quit!

Deep Thoughts.....

can consume you like ocean waves.
Much like my memory of watching my Dad in full scuba gear (looking very much like an alien that I was sure would eat him once he entered the water, even though I had not yet seen the movie Abyss) My memory is of standing on the sand watching him wade into the water- and then screaming. I'm not really sure if that's what actually happened, but that's my story and I'm stick in' to it. The point is that the Deep thoughts if you give in to them, consume you. However, if you push them away you haven't gained anything by whatever experience has occurred. For some its losing a job, others fighting Cancer, for us it was losing our son.
The early weeks it was all I could do. Stare at my computer, find out the why, more importantly find the how to stop it. Like with any good burst of enthusiasm the light bulb quickly burns out. I had to stop let it go a bit, back away, before it~the pain,agony and grief~pulled me completely under. Somewhat like teaching a child to swim in the ocean, you want them to know it, feel it experience it, but have a healthy fear all at the same time. Inevitably a wave will wash right over their heads at least once. They run away, but they always come back. I'm finding my pain and grief to be that way these days. Some days I want to face it head on, dive right in, others I just want to pretend its not there. But then what? I don't question why us, why our family, I don't question why God would let this happen (he doesn't pain is a product of a fallen world) My question is What?. For me. What am I supposed to do with this? How do I not live the same way I did before?
Then there are days when frivolity comes at the perfect moment to just give my mind a break. Like sitting on the couch with Caila making friendship bracelets, or string rings as she discovered last night. Moments like those make it easier to breath for a second until I realize that its just one more moment that I won't be able to duplicate with Carter.

Mothers Day!!!!

Happy Mothers Day to all the Mothers! Especially to our Mom's and Grandmothers. It seems I had mentally blocked the day so cards and things will be arriving late.
The weather is cold and cool here, a great way to keep a somber mood on a day you aren't sure how to feel. I am blessed as a woman to be a Mother to Caila. She is our first miracle baby without her today would just be an ordinary day. My heart feels unsure of what to feel today, because there is an overwhelming sadness that I don't have both of my babies to celebrate with today, but also grateful that I am Caila's mother. I hope that you all have a day that makes you look back and smile fondly.

Five Months...

We held him as long as he has now been gone. I know we didn't get to to hold him for 5months, but we did. We held him for merely hours, but he was ours part of us, part of me, physically for 5months. Carter will always be ours, but the gone part will now begin to be more then the Held part.

Some parents start to think of what their babies would be doing today had they lived. There are days when I think of this but its a difficult path. According to Fisher-Price if Carter were 5months old today these are the things he would be able to accomplish:

Roll from his tummy to his back.
Stationary objects are now much clearer but he still prefers strong contrasts, sharp edges and bright colors.
He smiles at other babies, especially the one in the mirror.
His hands are open and he reaches out to touch and grasp.

As much as I truly think of December 6Th as His birthday, I also realize that had he lived through delivery, he wouldn't truly be 5months. He would be an adjusted age based on 20wks 4days gestation and his EDD. Most Dr's and medical journals will tell you that 26wks gestation is considered viable with a positive outcome. I have been thinking about 5months and wondered if any babies as young as Carter have managed somehow to live. Although I did not find any documentation of a 20week Baby, I did manage to find documentation of a 21week old baby girl born in Florida that weighed 1lb at birth (Carter weighed 14 1/2 ounces) that lived, and there was a beautiful picture of her and her mother when she had reached 5lbs. (what Caila weighed at birth). The article went on to say that someday they expect to be able to save babies as young as 20wks by use of an artificial placenta in a womb like incubator. Someday, to late for Carter, but not soon enough to save other families from the heartache of loss.

Five months have passed, it seems long yet short. The long straight path we thought we were on ( much like an Ohio road) has turned into a winding, curvy mountain (think Mullhulland Drive in California) that we are trying to find they to the top. Summer plans have become bittersweet, on some days more bitter then sweet. Through it all we still have each other, great families, Amazing friends-both new and old- and a beautiful 9yr old daughter that is wise beyond her years (some days) because of what her baby brother taught her. All of this in just Five months....

Welcome to Holland

It seems that some of the immediate, gut wrenching pain has dissipated. We do truly live more these days. I've even had the ability to have long phone conversations with friends again. Sometimes I still feel numb like I'm not really sure where am though, so when I came across this today poem/essay today it just fits.

Welcome to Holland

I am often asked to describe the experience, to help others understand it, to imagine how it would feel. Well, it’s like this…

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks, and you make your make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, Michelangelo’s David, the gondolas in Venice. You may even learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags, and off you go. Several hours later, the plane is preparing to land. And as the plane is landing, the pilot makes an announcement: “Welcome to Holland.”

“Holland ?!?!” you say. “What do you mean, Holland? I signed up to go to Italy! All of my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy!”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve taken you to Holland, and there you must stay. The important thing, however, is that haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would have never met.

It’s really just a difference place. It’s slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there been a while, you’ll catch your breath. And then you’ll look around and notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy going to and from Italy, and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful place it is. And for the rest of your life, you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. Italy is what I had planned.”

The pain of that will never, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special and very lovely things about Holland.

Rocky Mountain News, October 29, 1990

Somedays, I just want to know why....

The emotional breakdowns at the drop of hat have subsided. In approximately a week Carter will have grown his angel wings 5months ago. Like anything in life in some days I just want to know why?!
I have mentioned in previous posts that his life just fit so perfectly into, well everything. The timing of his birth was surrounded by so many others it just fit. I had another one of those revelations last night. He, my son, would have benefited so many others, in such a subtle, maybe would never even realized it kind of way. Even though I know that his death has done the same, life just seems to have so much more meaning. We never talk about death as a society, always about the life that preceded. You never hear a group of people in a coffee shop discussing what they learned from the loss of a loved, just what they taught them from their life. So like any good human I just want to know, why us?, why him? Why Now? Why after so long when the timing was just so seemingly perfect was Carter taken from us? What is the good that is supposed to come?
Some days, I just want to know why.....

Great Day for a Date!

One more Dr's appt. checked off the list. They usually take so long Rob and I decided to make it a date day! Sunny Skies in Pittsburgh meant something outdoors after a winter of blah! So we chose rollerblading. Many people do not know about the hidden treasures that are Pittsburgh trails. I had not spent any time on them until marathon training days and when flowers are blooming or leaves are turning they all have spectacular views. Today we chose the "Jail Trail" a.k.a Eliza Furnace Trail. Having not been on Roller Blades for awhile (something we loved when Caila was a baby) we were both hesitant when we noticed the more Expert Bladers in full gear. Not us, shorts t-shirts and blades, not a pad or helmet in site. The trail was great and the weather was awesome! We ended the day walking around the Strip District and a quick lunch (which wasn't so quick) at Rolands .
We grabbed a table upstairs to enjoy the sun and quickly seated behind us was a family with a newborn. Passerby stopped to chat with the new parents and we quickly learned the baby was 2weeks old. Rob and I quickly realized that we were bothered, quick heart twinges, but for the first time we felt OK. Be careful what you wish for..... Being the people watchers that we are it seemed that all the people around us began to have conversations about somebody somewhere with some new baby. I laughed, sending up a quick prayer OK, we are doing OK, but do we need the hailstorm? The sun is still shining, and we came home smiling, so all in all it was still a great day for a date!

Happy should've been Birthday!!!!!!

EDD.....3 letters that you begin to plan your life around. Estimated Due Date. Today, April 20th 2008. The fact that people say "babies come when they are ready"(which for us is more like babies are born when my body thinks its ready) Does not change that fact that once you see that plus sign on the stick or the HCG levels continuing to double, that your EDD is what your life gets planned around. From the moment of triumphant joy, thoughts are different, plans are made, not just for the next 9months but for the next lifetime of your baby. We made so many, many, plans. None of them included spending Carter's should've been Birthday without him.

Carter was born on December 6th 2007 and I will always think of that as his birthday, but knowing what today could have been, I wondered how I would feel, think, act. Today started out grey, gloomy and rainy nothing that I wanted for the small memorial we planned. However, around 2pm the sun broke through the clouds and made for a beautiful day. It would have been a good day to be born, a great day for an exciting new beginning drive to the hospital. It could have been a great day to be born.....

Magic 8 Ball, where are you?

Monday came and went, more tests, and.......more waiting.
Reasons to be glad:

1. My Dr. ( Sanfilippo @ Magee) is very thorough and likes to have all the "ducks in a row".
2. We will have the complete picture all at once instead of little tiny puzzle pieces spread around a six month time frame....
3. Gives me time to attempt to lose some weight...(the attempt is being done in my sleep where I dream about getting up to run but really I never do!)
4......... Ya' I'm all out of glad....

Reasons to be annoyed:
1. The length of time I've been a patient there, he should know my chart backwards and forwards....whats adding a few a more test when its already the size of an encyclopedia????
2. They tried to tell me he had no open appts until June....ummmm, yeah right, I'm going next week.
Hmmm... well I guess I have one more positive then negative thats a good thing.
As I sat in the office yesterday I saw myself in so many of the women sitting there. There was me from every stage of our journey, the new patient full of hope nervously squeezing her husbands hand wondering what they would be told of new options. The women who had grown tired of the journey and given up for six months, but then had new hope grow and she was back because she knows this time will be different. The women who flew across the country for something spectacular with her records from that Dr, because now she was fixed! I watched them all, as if in a documentary, and then found myself praying : Dear Lord, please don't keep them here as long as we were, please give them answers, good or bad, just give them answers to go forward with life. Then they sat down, more smiley then most in the room, no they were giddy. I knew why instantly, almost 9months ago to the day We were them.... clutching the ultrasound picture, finally after all this time they had made it....She could not stop smiling, they could not stop holding hands, and when they left ( I heard the nurses say good luck so I know they were being joyously ushered to OB no longer needing the specialist) the secretaries and nurses hugged them and cried, Just the way they did 9 months ago for us. And I wasn't angry, or sad, I just prayed- Don't let them ever have to come back here, give them their Miracle, spare them the pain. They left and still I waited so many quiet stories in that room, and knowing there was a piece of me in all them, I wondered how many times I had sat there with a women missing a piece of her heart just like me.

What's Next?

This is a question we ask everyday, but I have not really opened my heart to discussing here. We have since December 6Th, been asking that question between every breath. Even in our quest to learn to breathe again we have realized that we want to grow our family. One of my Dr's immediately said to not think of a biological child for 1yr. That's where the debate began, some, I've learned some have been told "be pregnant by your due date". That will not be the case for us and its best, in some ways. My incredible, wonderful, could not have made it this far without him, specialist (you thought I was going to say husband he fits in that sentence as well) told us we "need" to be pregnant sooner then a year for so many reasons. Some days I feel like yesterday wasn't soon enough and others like next year might not be soon enough. Another of my Physicians said the body is as ready 6wks post-partum as it is in one year, barring no severe health issues. Aside from the issue of getting pregnant, and add to that now staying pregnant, I'm generally healthy.
So here comes tomorrow, where I will get the final answer of yes, your body is indeed ready for a baby (I am definitely trying on optimism again) .....but then what? And what if this isn't the right door to be opening? Definitely searching tonight, so if anyone has come across the GPS system that has the directions to my life, please give it back!!!

Connections

I've been a bad blogger this week, so when I visited today and read all the wonderful comments I hadn't yet seen, I was delightfully overwhelmed.
Rob and I have both commented on how we feel this blog has created a network, community really and hearing from friends and loved ones we do not see frequently (or in some cases yrs or have never met) just knowing we are all connected gives us a sense of peace and hope. This week has been wonderful. I felt like I truly lived this week, instead of just going through the motions. We even managed to have an impromptu gathering at our house this week 5 families, 13 kids and a few dogs! Caila even yelled at me for cleaning excessively-which is not something I had really been doing much. Maybe I've gotten used to this way of breathing, taking the good days with the bad and realizing thats its just a part of our life now. Like mile 20 @ the Disney Marathon your on the beautiful boardwalk and can almost see the finish line, but @#$%, you just want to be done, and when you cross the finish line all of that pain is forgotton and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat..... I'll never forget Carter, and I don't know where the finish line will take me, but I would not change the 20wks he was with us for anything. Sometimes the pain is better then not knowing at all......

You are ALWAYS on my mind

Spring finally arrived this weekend, which was a needed distraction on top of the myriad of activities that popped up in our calendar. So much of a distraction, that days came and went so quickly, even in the midst of thinking of Carter we stopped counting. Even just for a moment. I didn't realize yesterday was the 6th, I didn't realize that yesterday was 4months. I didn't realize that I didn't' realize. Until today when I arrived at work and began to write the 7th. Even though we continue to daily have conversations about Carter, and Caila so diligently prays for him, even though things pop up to remind us of our sadness. I just stopped counting, at least for a day. Its a happy sad moment. Happy because we are beginning to live again, sad because even though I know we will never forget, for I moment I failed to remember.
~Carter, dear angel~ even in the midst of craziness if for a day we forgot to take pause, you are always on our minds and forever in our hearts.

Saturday April 5 2008

My Great-Grandmother - had she beaten cancer nearly 16yrs ago would have been 100 today. Today, the day I had said from the moment we first saw the tiny flicker of Carters heart, today is the day I KNEW he would be born. Because I just thought that would be an amazing coincidence for one, but also I just knew. The hardest part of losing Carter for me is the seemingly perfect placement/timing/ everything part of his life just seemed to fit, from the largest to smallest detail.... and the lack of reason followed by the answer of "random chance" is just such a hard pill to swallow.
Days are coming and going now, the good and the bad whatever they may be but the hardest part of the heartache is the rearranging. You plan, and you plan, and then the reset button gets hit except when you reset something is missing. That's were the unavoidable pain creeps up on me, its everywhere I go no matter what. The dear friend, the random stranger or the completely unrelated noise, event etc. I can't explain it unless you know it, you can't understand it, and I wouldn't want you too, because it means you felt it yourself. There have been moments in the past that I have just had this crazy feeling of not being 'grown-up' that has so quickly vanished. I feel like I have been launched into this other world. The world of parents missing babies, I so often find myself looking around crowds and wondering which of you is also in this "club"....

NY Times

A few weeks ago the New York times published causing me great frustration, politics aside they have redeemed themselves a bit. Jane Brody wrote a very informative article titled "Seeking Answers to Stop Stillbirth", you can read the full article here. She eventually made it to her Miracle even though the journey was long. Some may say that Caila is our Miracle and while I believe that she is, I still feel we have one more waiting and that Carter will help send him/her our way.

It's Monday....

Warning~ The following is a vent from yesterday~ I wasn't going to post it but then I thought, why am I "editing" my feelings....
Nothing really earth shattering going on in my Brain today. Well except for the minor almost nervous breakdown about the current shape of my boday today. Years of infertility kept me at a very average slightly comfortable place with my body. I couldnt' have babies so at least I could be thin. All my friends were having babies, the one thing I could do was try to exercise and stay healthy. Now closing in on 4months later I have no baby but all this baby fat, and still I can't find that motivation to put back on my running shoes and actually run. I know I hold the "power" but am choosing not to use it. As if I am telling my body "you failed me" so now I am going to fail you. you didnt do what was expected of you, so don't expect me to do anything for you. Me the Marathon girl, who would get up at the crack of dawn just to squeeze in a run, when now I only make it to the mailbox a few times a week. I need to find my motivation again....and I know where it went, its with the other half of my heart.

When the end, ends up being the beginning...

Friday March 28. Nothing really exceptional about today, it dreary, yet warmish.(at least warmish to me after what seemed like the longest winter) Nothing now anyway. See today was supposed to be exceptional. Today if life should have played out the way it was meant too, today should have been my last day at work. Not just my last day before Maternity Leave, my last day. We had decided as a family that I would stay home with our Daugther and newborn son. Sunday I should be 37 weeks pregnant, which is the same gestational age at which Caila was born. I had the first of April in my mind all along, not really thinking that Carter and I would make it much farther.

Some days I can lose myself in my work and not really over analyze my existance there too much, and they have really been more then kind and truly patient. The reality is I know I can give more, and they know it. At what point do I begin to expect more of myself again? Allow myself to be productive, creative and accomplish without feeling the pain of this really isnt how my life is supposed to be.

Back to the Beginning

Our Journey from Caila to Carter and everything in between is such a long story it could fill a novel. A very long boring novel of medical tests, tears, frustrations, surgeries, more tears, more frustration....you get the idea. Don't get me wrong we love our beautiful daughter and realize that some may not ever have the chance to be parents. But I/we have always known that our family was not complete. There is still room in our home and hearts to love and parent. My Mom told Caila the story early in Carters pregnancy about a friend who was much older when a sibling was born and how she called the baby "her baby". In some ways Carter really was Caila's baby. As much as my driving force over the last 7yrs has been to grow our family it has also been driven by the desire for Caila to be a Sister. As parents we strive to give our children something that we didn't have. For some it's a home in the country away from the city life they knew as a child, others a stable family because they came from broken homes. For me, I need Caila to be a sister so here we are in the week we should be preparing for the arrival of our son, going back to the beginning.

Monday I went back to the RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) to find out what our new table of contents might be. -Taking the elevator back to the 5Th floor was not an easy task. Knowing that when I left their Hershey Bar in hand proclaiming my Due Date and the smiles and hugs from nurses that had treated me for so long, and knowing that going back there was going to be the opposite. Quick hello's followed by a glance away-. Side note- I have been a patient there for so long that the day of my very first appointment a new Medical Assistant was day 1 on the job, he is now the Practice Manager. --

Obviously with only 2 babies in 10yrs not for lack of trying this book isn't an easy read. The most frustrating is that even though our Official diagnosis for Carter's pre-term birth is Placental Abruption, we can't seem to get all three of my Doctors to agree that this is truly why our son isnt in our arms today. The best that I can wrap my head around is that because I like to beat the odds ( and not in a good way) there is some kind of fluke where the two conditions that caused Pre-term labor occurred together. The Doctors at MFM (Maternal-Fetal Medicine) feel strongly that the Abruption is the cause. However, my RE & Ashermans Doctors seem to feel that IC (Incompetent Cervix) and a combination of the Abruption are to blame. The problem is that IC is somewhat treatable, and a Cerclage , could very well have saved Carter and I've really done a pretty good job at ignoring the what ifs (denial is my friend) and I really don't want to go there, really ever. But at the same time I am okay with having a Dr. that is willing to be thorough so that going forward with whatever the future holds we will know, maybe something. There are more tests to be run just to rule out everything. We don't know what the rest of this year will hold, If I look back on last year the beginning and end seemed to occur in different galaxies. Today they only thing I know is that I should be starting Maternity leave @ 3pm on Friday......How quickly things change.

Was it really a "morning like this"?

This has been a week...A week of trying, trying to live again, to celebrate the things that I would normally celebrate. But then I realized, I've not really celebrated since the day many years ago we knew that the dream of a large family may never happen. I changed then, I've changed again now.

Tomorrow is Easter, celebration of new life, new beginnings, the celebration of Christs' death and resurrection. I have a new admiration for Mary, and her life and what she went through. I wish there was more of her story. And so I wonder for Her was it really the celebratory morning that we are Biblically taught? I have to wonder if it wasn't' more bittersweet. Not only did she raise the Savior of the world but she watched him her SON die knowing he could have stopped it and did nothing to deserve it. Was she angry? Did she go home and smash all her plates? Did she hold onto her other children more or push them away or somewhere in between? Did she try to barter with GOD?
I've struggled with the what ifs of Carter, could they have saved him what did they miss? Did I have the best care? What did I do wrong? But Mary had no what ifs HE could have saved himself, He did no wrong, He had the power. If someone had been in the delivery room when Carter was born with the ability to save him and said no because there were other plans...... Convince me just doesn't seem adequate.

Tomorrow we will go to church, go to a beautiful breakfast, continue our Easter traditions and then add a new one, visit the cemetery. I haven't been in awhile a fact I'm beginning to come to terms with, I had visions of peaceful visitations on a more frequent basis, and its just not really worked out that way. But tomorrow we will go, take Carter and PapaBacon their Easter Flowers and maybe a bunny. So different.

15weeks....but whose counting...

Today marks 15wks since we held our son, 15wks since we heard and watched Carter's little heart beat, 15weeks since I've held his tiny hands. That also means that not only is his estimated due date 5wks away but in that same amount of time Carter will have been with us for as long as he's had his angel wings.

I read this morning a story about a women overhearing a conversation where the mother of a daughter who lost a baby to stillbirth was complaining that here daughter was not yet "over" the loss. So many things came to mind, not the least of was:

"Thank you God for Rob and I have been blessed with incredibly wonderful parents who have been nothing but supportive no matter how distant our grief may seem to push us." We will never be over the death of our son, some days we may seem like ourselves, but we really are not, and never will be. I don't think the pain will ever go away, we are just starting to get used to it. Don't get me wrong, I have my brave days. The days where I am car-crash girl-looking at, watching or actively participating in the things that make my heart ache, but I have to in order to know that life can be good. I have to in order to instill in my daughter that no matter what you can move forward, not move on, but move forward, because they are two completely different ideas.

Two new babies have come into the world in the last 24hrs, and their safe peaceful entry into the world gives me hope.

"Hope" is the thing with feathers-- That perches in the soul-- And sings the tune without the words-- And never stops--at all-- Emily Dickenson

If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream.-- Martin Luther King, Jr

What Makes a Mother?

What Makes A Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes; and prayed to God today I asked what makes a Mother and I know I heard him say.. A Mother has a baby, this we know is true. But God can you be a Mother, when your baby's not with you?
Yes you can, he replied with confidence in his voice I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime; and others for a day And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here He took a breath and cleared his throat; and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today If you could see your child smile with other kids and say "We go to earth to learn our lessons of Love and Life and Fear, My Mommy Loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here..
I feel so lucky to have a Mom, who had so much love for me I learned my lesson very quickly, My mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy oh so much but I visit her each day when she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek; and whisper in her ear Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here." So you see my dear sweet one, your children are okay Your babies are here in my home; And this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with me, until your lesson is through And on the day that you come home; they'll be at the gates for you.
So, now you see what makes a Mother, it's the feeling in your heart It's the Love you had so much of; right from the very start.
By Jennifer Wasik.

We've been held.....

Today has not been a A+ day for me. I've felt edgy,irritable and basically hateful. We did manage to go to church today, but I didn't want to be there. Rob could do nothing right all the way down to the way he loaded the groceries in the car. So when we made it home I needed to mellow. Caila and I have made a project of finding music for our blog. Today while searching for something to take the edge of we came across "Held" we hope you like it as much as we do.

“Held”
by
Natalie Grant

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

Stepping onto My Soap Box!!!!!!

This blog if you haven't noticed is my journal. My thoughts, my memories, my feelings. Tonight, Carter I hope you don't mind I need to have a soap box.

Our journey to Carter begins with the first breath of Caila. To be able to properly get onto my soap box I need to give some background. My pregnancy with Caila was the exact opposite of my pregnancy with Carter, no worries no High Risk Doctors,no complications, or so we thought. Most likely there were symptoms overlooked during the last few weeks of what was otherwise a textbook pregnancy. All of this led to a life-saving yet life-altering D&C performed 10days after Caila's delivery in 1999. Hit the fast forward to late 2001 and a diagnosis of Asherman's Syndrome begins our journey to grow our family. Fast forward again to July 2007 and a beating the odds pregnancy (after 7 surgeries flying to California twice, and meds that normally take a year to work) with our beautiful baby boy and again to December 6 2007 to a much to soon goodbye.

Here is where my Soapbox begins: There is a new show on Fox that has been recently reviewed by an entertainment reporter for the NY TIMES (a newspaper probably just as credible and unbiased as the large West Coast paper of my native state). In this article the entertainment reporter-(why on earth is she making any judgement at all on things medical someone please tell me) discusses a character on said show who reportedly has Asherman's. Great, I thought exposure for a very treatable yet highly undiagnosed syndrome. Then I continued reading, not so great, quite frankly completely infuriating to the point of madness. Really. She relates the character on the show that cannot become pregnant due to Asherman's to a "women that didn't pay attention during sex ed or someone suffering because of their mistakes". I really can't imagine anyone writing this type of misinformation about anything really without creating a riot. So I wrote, OK, typed an email and here it is :


My name is Brandee Rentz, I am a 29 year old Wife and Mother that was diagnosed with Asherman's Syndrome 7yrs ago. The cause of my AS was not due to my lack of "paying attention" during sex ed, or my penance as you call it for my prior mistakes. My Asherman's was caused by a botched yet life saving D&C performed 10days following the birth of our beautiful daughter. We were not aware at the time that my future fertility had been nearly taken away nor were we aware of the journey we would soon begin. My journey with Asherman's has not only affected me physically but the lives of everyone around us.
The article you wrote I do realize was based on the review of a television show produced for the purpose of entertaining us. However as you mention in your article Asherman's is rare, and in many cases not properly diagnosed. I would hate for a women looking for answers to her physical symptoms (which can rage anywhere from light periods to debilitating pain that keeps you in bed for days) to have read your article or watch this horrific show to sideline her concerns based on feelings that arise due to the wording of your poorly researched article.
There are so many, many, beautiful, intelligent, blessed woman that suffer from this life altering condition known as Asherman's Syndrome I would urge you or someone at your "world renowned" publication to follow up with real research and real facts, from real patients and Doctors. I would be more then happy to assist you or any of your colleagues with correct information or to point you in the direction of the world class physicians that treat all of us "woman suffering from our prior mistakes."


I'm not holding my breath for a response but the alternative was drive to NY and knock on her office door.....I thought maybe this was better.

The fog is thinning

Another week, another Thursday has passed and we are standing on the other side. We all have began to see glimmers of hope in our life as a family and whatever the future may bring. The fog that we normally have to cut through with a chainsaw has started to thin and on somedays we can even push it back for a bit like a curtain, the curtain eventually falls closed again, but it feels made of linen these days as opposed to 10,000 ton boulders. Don't get me wrong we miss our Son, Caila desperately misses her brother (in art class yesterday she made a poster for Angels) and we always will.
One of Caila's cheer coaches said to me last night "you know she has started to smile again". I both wanted to cry and rejoice at the same time. Knowing that others notice a change in her as well my heart was broken for her all over again, but inspired but her strength.

Retail Therapy......Literally

Weeks ago, which seems odd to say because things seem so recent yet so far, I was shopping with my sister-In-law and found this beautiful Angel Garden Statue. It was one of an Angel with a little boy holding a basketball. I knew I wanted it at that moment, Jenn even encouraged me to buy it,for whatever reason that day I didn't.
Today Caila and I had a girl's day out for some fun shopping. We were walking by the store and I thought "Let's go see if they still have it". So in we went, wandered through the entire store and I could not find it. On our way out feeling dejected I came across the last one in the store and I knew it had to be mine. There was no bar code on it so as I stepped to the register the manager remarked as to how the store had a few other Angel items and how much she loved the one I was about to purchase. "I have an Angel Garden in my backyard in memory of my two children that died." I looked up at her and just began to cry, and the next thing I know Caila and I are standing in the middle of this store crying with this woman whose name I never did ask telling her the story of Carter. Not detailed, just he was my son and he's gone. She came around the desk and we hugged and she told me it was years since she lost her children and reminded me that a piece of my heart would always be missing.
From there we went into the children's store that I had been working in on a per diem basis. A place I have not even stepped foot in since Dec. 6Th, but it became so evident that we were being led places today. The manager of the store knew of our loss and she reminded me that she too had lost a sibling at the age of 9, a sister. Her words were so kind and encouraging. She vividly remembers the loss of her sister
and told me how she has carried this through her life, not as a burden or sorrow but a way to have a heart for people because even at 9 she began to understand what it takes so many a lifetime to know.
Caila and I had a great afternoon, I think we both felt surrounded by Angels......and that was better therapy then any session on a couch.

Angelversary

Dear Carter,

I cannot believe that it has been three months. There are so many things we wanted show you, so many things Caila was longing to teach you. Even though you were only with us growing for 5 months I have so many memories of you. The day we knew for sure we pregnant, the first time we saw and heard your tiny heart beat. Hearing the song Halelujah and being filled with tears of joy because after so many years our family was going to grow. There are so many more happy, joy filled memories and I remember more of them everyday. Somedays its just to hard though and I can only remember the pain of realizing that your life was going to be cut short as we listened to your heart beat in the short hours we were in the hospital before you were born. Knowing that I would never get to feel your heart beat against mine, or watch you breath as you slept like we did so many times when your big Sister was a baby.

So many of the friends you would have had are being born and I pray that you will keep watch over them as they grow throughout the lifetime you would have shared. I have also sadly had the opportunity to meet some of the parents of your angel friends, there are so many. I wish so much that you all would have had the opportunity to grow up with your families, but I can only imagine what heaven must be like for you. Caila prays for you every night and probably all day. The big Sister is supposed to teach so much to the little brother, and yet because of you we have learned so much about your big Sister. You have taught us all so much. One day I will tell you all of what we have learned, the strength you have given us. For now I hope that you know much we Love You, how much we miss you, and how much all of our arms ache to hold you.

Love,

Mommy, Daddy and Big Sister Caila

I spoke with my child today.....

There is a new link where you can visit I spoke with my child today.....Just a warning have tissues handy.

NBC Today Show Story.....

Photographs have always been important to me. I say photograph rather then pictures because the words to me have different meanings. Pictures are something you look at, Photos tell a story.

As we began our journey of pregnancy with Carter I was determined to have a photo journal of every week as he grew, and of Caila as she grew along with him. I had dreams of those beautiful black and white belly pictures with all of us. Then of course our family picture, a picture that would finally be completed by the birth of our son. So many of the pictures were never to be.... but thanks to a wonderful nurse and caring staff at the hospital we have some of the most beautiful and yet heart wrenching pictures we could have never asked for. I would be lost without the pictures of our son. Yet there are so many families that are never given the option and years down the road wish they did. Because of this a family who also lost a baby started a ministry called "NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP" and they were featured on the today show this morning. I was not aware of them in the hourse spent in the hospital with Carter and I wish I had been, please pass this story along so other families may have photographs to tell the story of the child missing from the pictures.

"http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22425001/vp/23481435#23481435"

Away from home

We did it this weekend, we left our home and packed up for a few days for Caila's cheerleading competition. We left and tried to have a weekend where we aren't people who have half of their heart missing. It was a great effort on our parts, but we will forever be missing a part of our heart. We socialized and made small talk, I even tried to be fun, (which really didn't work out too well, I guess the fun me won't quite ever be back). Truly though it all sucks, for everyone involved. Everyone wants to ask, but really doesn't want too, I noticed on so many faces this weekend sorrow, and it was directed at me. So many mom's had babies in slings or babies still growing waiting to make their appearance I just wonder when we will get our turn.

Thoughtful friends

Since December 6 I have done more reading and writing(especially writing, for this is not the only place I write) then I have probably done in the last decade. Both are things I used to love just never have made the time for. Most of what I have been reading or writing has been related to the loss of a baby and unfortunately their are so many people that are also missing a piece of their hearts.
So many have relayed stories about horrible things that people have said through the grieving process, unrealistic expectations and basically lack of understanding. We have been so blessed by our friends and family truly you have all been amazing whether near or far. You have all been incredible. So thank you, we never would have imagined that we would still be walking the earth through the loss of our son and we certainly could not have, nor continue to without all your support. We have truly been blessed.

Max Update

Max should have been up for an Oscar....in the man's best friend category. He has had an amazing recover and we have all decided that he was competetly faking. Four days of meds + 4 days of absolute spoiling (including boiled chicken) and he seems much better. It could also be that the sun is was shining yesterday and that can be enough to make anyone happy. Erma however seems to be feeling a bit neglected.....I'll be back later, I have to make some chicken...

Finding a rainbow in snow

I'm not really sure what that means. It sounded poetic enough. It could mean I need some sunshine, it could mean I need rain for a rainbow, or it could mean during our potential snow day tomorrow Caila and I will take out the food coloring and make our own rainbow. Something along the lines of when life gives you lemons"...you know the rest.
This morning Max was not well. Rob carried him down the stairs and he could barely make it outside. Around 3pm he was probably worse twitching uncomfortable moving around to just find some way to be comfortable. Then he looks at us with these eyes that say please help me feel better, I wish I could, but part of me also knows that some pains don't ever go away they just become a part of us, yes even dogs. Rob decided that he (Max which is the tan & white beagle) has been feeling neglected and this way he earns extra special care. He seemed to rally tonight only to quickly fade again.
Then it occured to me, complacency has definitely set in even with our animals. We get busy or tired and even our beloved pets get neglected. We all decided tonight that in some ways Max may enjoy his pain because we love on him so much more then normal. It's common, I've been told, to feel like you want to change the world, live your life differently when tragedy occurs. How do you keep that drive, to make a change, be the difference and make what was lost, for us our beautiful son Carter, stand for something. It's a theme I/we keep coming back to what is our little boy going to bring to us even through his loss.

Not so Bright and Shiny.....

My enlightened feeling has quickly vanished, although reading everyone's smiling lists did lighten the mood and so I thank you all.

The source of my Dark and Twisty thoughts today come from many places, but mainly my dog, our dog but Really Caila's dog. Max, the beagle that everybody loves. I'm not just saying that because he's our dog, we have another beagle Erma (yes named after the restaurant) and she's a puppy well not anymore she's 1 1/2 but still a playful cute young dog....( not nearly as cut though as Uno who won the dog show)anyway, EVERYONE LOVES MAX. He's cute and cuddly, and really, really, fat. He's the first pet we ever adopted as a family, the first pet that Caila ever had, he's family. So yesterday when he couldn't move wouldn't eat ( thats when we became really nervous) we were rattled. I took him to the vet and he seems to have some Disc problems and severly arthritic knees. So for now we are keeping him medicated and hoping he is just having a "rough patch" because of February in Pennsylvania. The vet however began to say things like MRI, Hip surgery, etc. All thing that wouldnt garantee he would recover. My immediate reaction was Caila, how do we keep "bright and shiny" when everything around us seems "dark and twisty" right now. We tried not to alarm her but Max was in so much pain last night she immediately recognized the possibilities and said to us..."Mommy, I know Carter needs a dog, but I'm not ready to give him Maxxie yet...." If only I could rewind the clock...

I can smile or laugh today because....

Babycenter message boards have been a lifesaver for me. It seems people are turning to the interent so much now that IRL ( in real life) support groups seem to be growing fewer and fewer. During my pregnancy with Carter I went to babycenter message boards to find other Mom's experiencing a high risk pregnancy. Within days of losing Carter I found myself drawn there, not knowing that such a wonderful horrible thing such as a baby loss board existed on a site meant for celebrating the happiness of new life.
The woman on these boards have been literally a lifesaver, not meant to downplay at all our loving family and friends. However, knowing(even if never meeting) there are husbands and wives out there surviving the same pain we are and sharing it with them has helped me to march through many days.
A few days ago while on the site I came across a topic titled the same as this post and it lightened my spirit. So I thought today I would try my own list....please feel free to post your own list in response.....

Today I can smile or laugh because....

Caila is 9 and beautiful and not yet a teenager....
We are all home in the afternoons together 4days a week.....
Cookie Dough= Dinner....need I say more.....
Dark Chocolate......need I say more.....
It is freakin' cold outside.....and WE are not training for a marathon!
I almost kicked my husband's a@$ in tennis...( on the wii but thats as close as I'll ever get)....
My Tiny cheerleaders are the cutest ever.....
My friend of many years after many years of trying is finally pregnant and I am truly happy for her!
Its midnight and my husband is making egg sandwiches.....Goodnight!