Carter's Story

Thursday December 6th started like any other day. We did not wake up that day knowing that we would be forever changed. Shortly after arriving at work I began to experience pain that I quickly realized were contractions, at 20 weeks I knew that I should not have been feeling this pain. Rob picked up from work and by the time we made it to the hospital I was fully into the stages of labor and there was nothing they could do to stop the process. Our baby boy Carter was born and forever became our angel. Our lives have forever been changed and we don't yet know where the healing process will take us. Right now we are focused on Caila and helping her heal, she continues to amaze us with her understanding, but what she wants more then anything and we wish we could give her is the baby brother she always wanted and never had the chance to know.

We now Know we lost him due to Incompetent Cervix & Placental Abruption. If you have found our blog because you are now embarking on your own journey of grief and healing our hearts go out to you. May you be surrounded with love and not ever expect to much of yourself. Normal will never be the same, you will never be the same, and that's ok. My hope is that some of the resources I found to be lifesaving will help you as well.


Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Thoughtful friends

Since December 6 I have done more reading and writing(especially writing, for this is not the only place I write) then I have probably done in the last decade. Both are things I used to love just never have made the time for. Most of what I have been reading or writing has been related to the loss of a baby and unfortunately their are so many people that are also missing a piece of their hearts.
So many have relayed stories about horrible things that people have said through the grieving process, unrealistic expectations and basically lack of understanding. We have been so blessed by our friends and family truly you have all been amazing whether near or far. You have all been incredible. So thank you, we never would have imagined that we would still be walking the earth through the loss of our son and we certainly could not have, nor continue to without all your support. We have truly been blessed.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Max Update

Max should have been up for an Oscar....in the man's best friend category. He has had an amazing recover and we have all decided that he was competetly faking. Four days of meds + 4 days of absolute spoiling (including boiled chicken) and he seems much better. It could also be that the sun is was shining yesterday and that can be enough to make anyone happy. Erma however seems to be feeling a bit neglected.....I'll be back later, I have to make some chicken...

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Finding a rainbow in snow


I'm not really sure what that means. It sounded poetic enough. It could mean I need some sunshine, it could mean I need rain for a rainbow, or it could mean during our potential snow day tomorrow Caila and I will take out the food coloring and make our own rainbow. Something along the lines of when life gives you lemons"...you know the rest.
This morning Max was not well. Rob carried him down the stairs and he could barely make it outside. Around 3pm he was probably worse twitching uncomfortable moving around to just find some way to be comfortable. Then he looks at us with these eyes that say please help me feel better, I wish I could, but part of me also knows that some pains don't ever go away they just become a part of us, yes even dogs. Rob decided that he (Max which is the tan & white beagle) has been feeling neglected and this way he earns extra special care. He seemed to rally tonight only to quickly fade again.
Then it occured to me, complacency has definitely set in even with our animals. We get busy or tired and even our beloved pets get neglected. We all decided tonight that in some ways Max may enjoy his pain because we love on him so much more then normal. It's common, I've been told, to feel like you want to change the world, live your life differently when tragedy occurs. How do you keep that drive, to make a change, be the difference and make what was lost, for us our beautiful son Carter, stand for something. It's a theme I/we keep coming back to what is our little boy going to bring to us even through his loss.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Not so Bright and Shiny.....


My enlightened feeling has quickly vanished, although reading everyone's smiling lists did lighten the mood and so I thank you all.

The source of my Dark and Twisty thoughts today come from many places, but mainly my dog, our dog but Really Caila's dog. Max, the beagle that everybody loves. I'm not just saying that because he's our dog, we have another beagle Erma (yes named after the restaurant) and she's a puppy well not anymore she's 1 1/2 but still a playful cute young dog....( not nearly as cut though as Uno who won the dog show)anyway, EVERYONE LOVES MAX. He's cute and cuddly, and really, really, fat. He's the first pet we ever adopted as a family, the first pet that Caila ever had, he's family. So yesterday when he couldn't move wouldn't eat ( thats when we became really nervous) we were rattled. I took him to the vet and he seems to have some Disc problems and severly arthritic knees. So for now we are keeping him medicated and hoping he is just having a "rough patch" because of February in Pennsylvania. The vet however began to say things like MRI, Hip surgery, etc. All thing that wouldnt garantee he would recover. My immediate reaction was Caila, how do we keep "bright and shiny" when everything around us seems "dark and twisty" right now. We tried not to alarm her but Max was in so much pain last night she immediately recognized the possibilities and said to us..."Mommy, I know Carter needs a dog, but I'm not ready to give him Maxxie yet...." If only I could rewind the clock...

Monday, February 18, 2008

I can smile or laugh today because....

Babycenter message boards have been a lifesaver for me. It seems people are turning to the interent so much now that IRL ( in real life) support groups seem to be growing fewer and fewer. During my pregnancy with Carter I went to babycenter message boards to find other Mom's experiencing a high risk pregnancy. Within days of losing Carter I found myself drawn there, not knowing that such a wonderful horrible thing such as a baby loss board existed on a site meant for celebrating the happiness of new life.
The woman on these boards have been literally a lifesaver, not meant to downplay at all our loving family and friends. However, knowing(even if never meeting) there are husbands and wives out there surviving the same pain we are and sharing it with them has helped me to march through many days.
A few days ago while on the site I came across a topic titled the same as this post and it lightened my spirit. So I thought today I would try my own list....please feel free to post your own list in response.....

Today I can smile or laugh because....

Caila is 9 and beautiful and not yet a teenager....
We are all home in the afternoons together 4days a week.....
Cookie Dough= Dinner....need I say more.....
Dark Chocolate......need I say more.....
It is freakin' cold outside.....and WE are not training for a marathon!
I almost kicked my husband's a@$ in tennis...( on the wii but thats as close as I'll ever get)....
My Tiny cheerleaders are the cutest ever.....
My friend of many years after many years of trying is finally pregnant and I am truly happy for her!
Its midnight and my husband is making egg sandwiches.....Goodnight!

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Happy Valentines Day

I realized today that holidays are not my thing. Except Christmas, I love Christmas. The rest of them though, I'm not so good at. Holidays as a thought I love but when it comes to making them fun and memorable for my family that I'm not great at. Usually I am ok with my shortcomings except that this year Caila was bothered by it. This is the year she noticed,the year that I am least likely of any to do anything about any holiday. Celebrating is not my thing right now, because we should be celebrating, but we can't. Instead we are mourning, mourning so much, the baby we lost, the brother that Caila won't have. Yet, we try be joyful find the small flickers of hope and light at the end of the tunnel. So we did Valentines day, quiet and low key, which was exactly what we needed, but all day prior to our quiet evening I was miserable. Sad, angry, emotional. I went to the gym after work hoping that would help, and as I was running I realized it was Thursday. Thursday the day of the week that will haunt me forever, the day that changed our lives forever. Its all in perspective I guess, some days you have it some its impossible to find. Carters presence continues to change us. He changed us from the beginning, his presence in our life, his life was to be a major change in our family. Even without an earthly presence it still is, he still has changed us, but I'm struggling so much to find what that is, what meaning, what road he is taking us down. So it was a Happy Sad Day, a day I tried to keep light in my mind but inevitably turned dark and deep. I know we arent the only ones, so to everyone else struggling through the day,
Happy Sad Valentines!

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Words to live by

Ok I should be working, but I was beat and visited a support group board today and found som wonderful words to live by....

" You can't see the picture, if your the one inside the frame".....


Instant tears of joy and sadness filled my while reading these words. The picture will never bring us joy, but someday we will be able to look at it with understanding...I just wonder when that day will be...

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Moving Forward....Sort of

This weekend was about small steps of moving forward, really small steps, but steps nonetheless. I had my yearly review at work on friday which I had sort of pushed from my mind. It was a difficult process as I thought of all the should have beens. I should've been discussing maternity leave, I should have been leaving my bosses office 31weeks pregnant. Overwhelming to say the least, but I survived. Something I say everyday, something that surprises all of us everyday.

We have all learned many things because of Carter, and as we continue to heal and move forward I am constantly learning how his presence has effected more people then I would have ever realized.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Poems...

Baby Angel Alice
by Karen O'Connor

Don't let them say I never lived,
Though something stopped my heart,
I felt the tenderness you gave,
I loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold,
It doesn't mean I'm gone,
This world was worthy, not, of me,
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face,
You have my word, I'll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was "meant to be-
God doesn't make mistakes",
But that won't soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,
Another child you'll bear,
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There'll come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips,
And then you'll understand.

Although I never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes,
That doesn't mean I never "was"
An angel never dies...

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Words I cling to...

In the hours days and weeks following the death of our beautiful boy we have been blessed by kind words of friends and family. So many people I have met and spoke with have expressed sorrow by the "cliches" spoken to them. We were blessed, so many words have been spoken or sent to us all of which have been beautiful.... Some of which I'd like to share.....

Words of Hope...

"There is no footprint so tiny that he cannot leave an impring on this world..."

"a family is a circle of love, not broken by loss, but made stronger by the memories"

"the one who put gentle footprints on our hearts leaves a story worth telling"


All of these words at moments give me hope and a sense of peace, not necessarily understanding but peace. My faith has always been there but not always strong and I struggle with wanting my son.... I came across this Mercy Me song.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChT4Fb5MIXI
Homesick by Mercy Me

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Message from Heaven

December 6th, 2007- February 6th 2008.

Carter has been an angel for Two months. I estimated that he would be born on April 5th 2008, the day my Great Grandmother would have turned 100, which is roughly now two months away. He had other plans, that one day we will get to fully understand. Rob and I will always know these dates, anniversaries, even without speaking words. Caila knows them too, subconsciously, but she knows. Today for the first time in weeks she asked to look through Carters memory box. She knew without knowing.
He touched us in so many ways today....
On my way to work today Sarah McLachlan's song Angel came on the radio,not just randomly played but I was changing stations and there it was. Caila and I went to the Y this afternoon and on the way home we saw this beautiful rainbow. Not just an after the rain kind of rainbow. A rainbow so vibrant and full of color it looked painted from end to end. Caila said "I think Carter asked Jesus to send us the rainbow." He was around us all today, helping us with the little things, helping us to find the beauty in life even if just for a moment before we wished he could share in it with us.

Monday, February 4, 2008

The first of many.

Monday, it felt like a Monday. Monday's always seem to, never once have I heard someone say on a Monday, wow today feels like a Friday. Even though it felt like Monday it was horrible. Last week wasn't great emotionally, but the weekend seemed to give us some peace, glimpses of the new directions our life as a family may head. Choices and decisions to be made hanging in our grasp, I actually felt hope for a few moments maybe even an entire day. I know it will be the first of many to begin to feel that way.

Today I learned one of my cheerleading students mother had her baby girl. This will be the first of many babies born that should have been a part of Carters' life. The first of soo many.
My tiny cheerleaders who all knew I was pregnant as my belly grew and grew had not yet mentioned my lake of belly or baby, tonight when one was telling us of her new baby sister, the light went of in the heart of one of my 4yr olds. She looked at me with the sweetest eyes. "Your baby died,didn't he?" and before I could answer, "it's ok". The first of many....

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Charlotte's Web and other things...

I had planned on posting this on saturday but the weekend got away from me....

Today I'm going to take a break from my grief (sort of) and write about Caila for a change of pace.



Last night Caila had a soccer game. She has two passions cheerleading and soccer, when it comes to sports. Her indoor soccer team has struggled a bit this year they moved up in age bracket and seem to be playing 10-11 yr old jolly green giant girls. They have only squeezed out one win this year, until last night. So let me bore you with some details..... They quickly scored a 2 goals in the first half and the opposing team came back to score, and in the Second half the other team quickly tied it up. Two minutes left in the game the coaches moved some players around put Caila in defense and her team came back to win with less then 20 seconds to go. Winning is definately not everything but its a great morale boost.

Charlotte's Web is such a timeless book. I remember reading it as a child and now Caila is reading it so this weekend we bought her the "newer" movie and we watched it together on saturday morning. I spend the better part of the movie doing the typical mom things, picking up this putting away that cleaning here and there. Caila really wanted me to sit and watch with her and when I finally did I remembered all the wonderful lessons the story contains. One little spring pig brought a community together. So by the end of the movie I was already feeling sappy and then the song came on at the end. Caila and I had gone to the theatre when the movie first came out, but I had forgotton about the song. Sung by one of my favorite musicians it was just an appropriate song for the rest of my day. It made me re-cling to the beleif that no matter how brief a life Carter was still a miracle.
Ordinary Miracle

It’s not that usual when everything is beautiful
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

The sky knows when its time to snow
You don’t need to teach a seed to grow
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

Life is like a gift they say
Wrapped up for you everyday
Open up and find a way
To give some of your own

Isn’t it remarkable?
Like every time a raindrop falls
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

Birds in winter have their fling
And always make it home by spring
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

When you wake up everyday
Please don’t throw your dreams away
Hold them close to your heart
Cause we are all a part
Of the ordinary miracle

Ordinary miracle
Do you want to see a miracle?

Its seems so exceptional
Things just work out after all
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

The sun comes up and shines so bright
It disappears again at night
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

It’s just another ordinary miracle today