8 weeks...

TGIF...I think thats a common theme. Emotionally this has been a tough week. Caila said it so well this week, "the closer we get to April the more sad I am". The days and weeks we are working through now are the times Carter shoulld still be growing, we should be preparing and anxiously awaiting his arrival. Instead Rob and I are faced with what decisions are the right ones to make now that our live has been turned upside down. Each path that seems to come our way has lead to a dead end this week. So as time marches forward I am beginning to feel frozen in time in many ways, and in others it sometimes feel as if the 5months I carried Carter were yet another of my dreams that have plagued my mind for so many years.
Sometimes though, in the brief moments of hope and peace that I have been able to cling to this week, I can see his beautfiul face smiling at me as if to say " Its ok Mommy, its ok. "

Tuesday....

It's only Tuesday and already been a tough emotional week. I really don't like the roller coaster of emotions. Let me be sad or weepy or angry all day, but the up and downs I'm done with.
Tuesday, I titled this posting Tuesday because that's what today is. There is nothing really poignant to say little things have been setting me off already this week so I'm not sure where to go with it. There farther away we get from Carters' birth and death the more difficult it seems to be for me. Maybe that's because we get closer to when his birth should have actually been. Or, Maybe its because I'm surrounded ( and its not because of our loss that I feel this way I really am) by beautiful pregnant woman who are now hugely pregnant and I am left with the body of someone who had a baby, because I did, but no baby at the finish line.
My Dr. gave me the OK to workout/run again a few weeks ago. I started slow in body but fast in mind (my first thoughts were of what marathon could I tackle this spring knowing that's totally unrealistic because I'm not Paula Radcliffe). So last night I attempted an aerobics class. I went knowing that an acquaintance who knew I was pregnant but probably didn't fall in the circles of knowing our loss was teaching, that was baby step #1 (actually I feel like it was a Jolly Green Giant step) then there was the being in a group of people baby step #2. Today I feel better for going, sad that the limits I used to push myself to had to be lowered, relieved knowing that I survived.

One slipped through the crack

Today started a crazy weekend. Caila had a cheer leading competition all day then a soccer game tonight. Busy, yes, but constant movement keeps the minds from wandering so much. Shortly after Carter died we sent an email to Caila's cheer squads which in turn was sent to her soccer team. Both groups we see on a weekly basis and I wanted to protect Caila from answering a lot of question. I learned tonight that not everyone received that message somehow. After the game one of the moms game up to me and very simply asked how I was doing, We’ve gotten used to hearing that so I thought nothing amiss in that and replied we are all doing OK, the next words out of her mouth were how many more weeks until you have your baby? The days have turned into weeks, and conversations like these send me back to the beginning, just when I was beginning to feel hope again.

Thursdays....

Thursdays have become a day of counting...Today is 7weeks. The first few weeks were about the day, 7weeks ago our son died. Today I realized that for me wednesdays are worse. I guess I am still somewhat of the eternal optimist, for on wednesdays I think 7 weeks ago I felt your little legs and arms kicking and punching me as you moved around still growing....I want to think of the little bit of life that Carter had instead of the pain surrounding the day he grew his angel wings.
Yesterday we received his birth certificate in the mail. No, not an actual birth certificate from the state, politics in our country keep us from legally recognize life as life unless it presents itself in the form of a full term baby. There are some states that now issue a certificate of stillbirth thanks to the dedication of women who have lost their babies to soon like we have. Strangely enough, my native state California passed legislation effect Jan 1 2008 that will issue birth certificates to stillborn or babies born to soon. Pennsylvania is far from passing such a law. A simple piece of paper give freely from a group called Angel Whispers based out of Canada. A simple piece of paper that gives me yet another page in Carters baby book. Yes there will be a book, because his life even if spent entirely in the womb does matter. Most baby books are about milestones in the life of a baby, Carter's book will be about the milestones he has given to us.

Regression

re·gres·sion
noun
Definition:
a regressing, or going back; return; movement backward
the slow westward shifting of the nodes of an orbit,the complete cycle of the regression of the nodes of the moon's orbit around the earth takes about 18.6 years caused by a perturbation:
reversion to an earlier or simpler form;
reversion to earlier or more infantile behavior patterns

As a family, generally speaking, I feel I can say we are okay, we lean on each other more then we ever have. That comes from each of us being incredibly stubborn and not wanting to admit needing anything, except for now, now we know we need...
Regression however has hit us all in some form this weekend. Pick a definition one of us experienced some form. "Caused by perturbation" seems to be my cause. The thing I knew would happen, it happened. One of the first tormenting dreams I remember having after Carter was born is one of walking around in the summer and having someone ask how are baby was....or having someone tell me how I looked as a pregnant women because "shouldn't you be due any day?" I expect this, as self-protection. Partly because I have worked in places that have exposed me to many families in our community, partly I guess because in some ways I want to be able to tell the story of my son. This weekend I had that moment, someone random after minutes of conversation told me they had just heard we were "having a boy". My heart stopped for a moment, for me and my son, but also for this women that I was about to tell his story to, she didn't know, and yet for me and her the most awkward conversation was about to begin. I felt for her, the sadness I saw in her face as I began to tell her our story. It sorta "set me off" for the rest of the day. Made me angry that this is the story I get to tell. Not one of some amazing all natural birth experience, but one of pain and loss. Today though I realized as I relived that conversation I realized that I made it through, I didn't collapse as I would have previously expected, I didn't breakdown, (and I feel somewhat guilty for that) and I realized that we will be OK, maybe not to the rest of the worlds standard of "normal" but we will be OK. We will regress many times, but as I found in the definition the moon takes almost 19yrs to complete a cycle of regression, so I think we're doing' okay.

6 Weeks

I have tried to write a few times over the last few days but could not find words. Carter has been gone from us for 6 weeks now, a time frame that also would have brought us to the point in pregnancy where he could have been saved. Time should be be giving us a scab but on many days this week, for all of us it has been a gaping wound. There have been some okay days, as one my cheerleaders pointed out last night, "Miss Brandee your smiling", how sad that even they noticed my lack of ability to do this much right now. Numbness and shock on some days becomes overwhelming grief on others. My running shoes called to me this afternoon and while trying to clear my mind it wandered. How would a mother, with no living children handle this grief, this pain, without Carter, Rob and I have Caila we are still parents, not making the pain less because of her but more bearable. We are changed, a piece of us missing, but we still get to be parents. These words triggered so many other thoughts of the things that DO NOT get to be. Some of which are simple, and some change who each of us are as people, they are things that define us through out life. Conversations had with people, we now carefully consider our answers because we dont know who we are without our Son, Brother or Grandson.

We may never know...

Placental Abruption- If you google you will see there are many reasons this may occur. Yet there are many more cases where you can never know. The traditional health concerns don't apply to me. Hypertension-I have low blood pressure, thanks to my Dad and running shoes. There are some genetic, or auto immune disorders that can cause these complications. As much as one would not want to have any of them, I was hoping they would find something, some reason, something that could be "fixed" in the future, so at least we would have a reason that our sweet baby Can't be here with all the babies being born this spring that get to live. Today-the day I normally would be working a half day for prenatal checks, today for the first time in nearly 8yrs, the nurse said those words that most people want to hear, your blood work came back normal. Normal? I'm not normal anymore, so why do I have to be physically normal. Why cant' they find something anything that would explain the senseless loss of our son?

~I do not write to be understood, but to understand~ Author unknown

Disney

One year ago today I ran my first Marathon. Right now I'm having trouble running up and down the stairs. I know it'll come back,eventually. Today though my good friends are where we were a year ago running their hearts out because they trained so hard.
Good Luck Ladies I'll catch you at the next one!

Last year I ran with the name of someone else's child on my bib because they had been stricken with a terrible disease. The next one I will run for my son so hopefully someday no one else will have to feel this terrible pain.

Oh Caila, If I could only fix your broken heart....

You know those conversations you have with people and you know without a doubt there is something they wanted to say but can't seem to find a way to say it? Tonight that was Caila. It's not the first time, she does this inevidbly at bedtime, from time to time. Even before Carter died. She would save some exciting, good or bad story for right before I walk out the door of her room for the night. Tonight she truly saved the best for last.
Caila had a soccer game tonight. The sister of one of the girls on the team was hanging with the team in the box tonight. I could see them talking while we watched the game, and I wondered what they were talking about, but I never would have imagined. Caila's friend asked her if she was the only child, she paused she told me knowing how she has always desperately wanted to answer that question, knowing that she was so close to having a physical answer. She told her friend that she was the only child in our house but that her brother is in heaven. I love that she thinks of the world outside of herself now, but I hate it at the same time. I hate that she has to feel this emptiness that Rob and I feel, I just wish we could make her beautiful heart whole.

TGIF

Friday at last. We made it through another week, a crappy week at that. My first week back at work was stressful, I was unmotivated and distracted at best, resulting in some major problems. Rob's Explorer completely stopped running and we said goodbye to the red fire truck and hello to a Jeep. A car that would have very nicely fit a car seat that we no longer have need for. So many things we should have or be doing now, so many things I wonder about.
It was not until my second day back at work that I realized most of the people I deal with on the phone did not know I was out for a month. It makes sense most of them probably did not even know I was pregnant with Carter but to now talk to them and do the polite phone thing where you always say your Okay seems strange. I don't say I'm Okay anymore, at least not right now. It's Friday though and I have my daughter, husband and a warm blanket with a heart full of memories of the son I'll always know but never know. And for tonight that's all I need.

Life according to Grey's Anatomy

Tomorrow is Friday and Thankfully so, I really could have done without this week so the end of it could not have come soon enough. Going back to work was difficult but when we add to that Rob's 10 yr old explorer taking early retirement, this week pretty much stunk.The Red Fire Truck is gone, replaced by a Jeep and many bittersweet feelings. Many times we had talked about the possibility of needing to replace Rob's car for the sake of baby seats, but we decided to wait. Now here we are with a great car to put 2kids in and no baby to but in it.
Faith, even Grey's Anatomy has it, even Dr's who explain everything with medicine and science choose to believe there is something more. While watching Greys' tonight I was struck by Bailey's character replaying her morning before tragedy struck her toddler son. How many times a day I try to think of what I missed, what symptom did I overlook, what could I have done differently. Knowing that none of these thoughts will change the outcome, Carter is still not with us. I have faith, I thought I had enough to make it through our pregnancy, until the day Carter was born, I kept telling Rob that I did. Today is 5 weeks, 5 weeks from the most horrible day of our life, a pain that I could never even have tried to imagine. Yet I still have faith, faith that something meaningful and life changing will come from Carters Death. This week has been difficult, but I made it through breathing in and out, I have to for my children for Caila to teach her that we can go on, for Carter to honor him.

Random Thoughts..

Music has always been one of my true loves, depending on my mood or whats going on in my life I'm always looking music that can soothe me at that moment. Every day I read about an amazing women and her journey to healing. Today I came across a blog with this beautiful song by Kendall Payne


I Will Show You Love by Kendall Payne

I will show you love, like you’ve never loved before;
I will go the distance and back for more
if you just say the word You will come alive again
and call the trying times your friend;
The pain that you have suffered through will never get the best of you;
You will hope in something real that won’t depend on how you feel;
When you call my name then I will answer, answer
I am on your side though the wind and waves beat against your faith;
You were on my mind when the world was made;
Trust in me my child, Trust in me my child
Walk out on the water where you have no control;
So scared to death of failure you sacrifice your soul, please let that go
You have climbed an uphill road, You have worn a heavy load;
You have cried through endless nights and nearly given up the fight;
Watched your dreams like falling stars the heartaches made you who you are;
Now looking back you see that I have always been there
Where you gonna hide? Where you gonna hide from me? Where you gonna go? Where you gonna go that I can’t see?
I have heard you cry and it breaks my heart for I love you so
I would never lie, this is not the end there is still a hope

Day one

I did it, although I wasn't sure I would, and I wished every minute that I was there that I was somewhere else, but I guess that doesnt matter what matters is that I went. Sleep did not come easy last night, and morning came too soon. There I was driving to work, it felt like living in an alternate world the 2008 that was supposed to be did not include returning to work because our son died. The world that was supposed to be was me at home singing lullabies and rocking Carter to sleep. Instead I was walking into an office full of people without a clue what to say so they opted to say nothing at all. I walked around the office today taking in all the pregnant .moments I had, even looking through old emails I had sent to Rob discussing bedding and furniture and how we would give Carter a great boy room. All with such certainty, that he would be here for all of this. Tomorrow could be better, my fear is that I will slip back to what used to be normal, without giving purpose to his memory

Detours

I don't like detours, I'll admit they make me nervous. The usual route is fine with me, I know how long it will take me to get there and what most of the variables are. We ran into a detour on the way to the hospital today, it made me laugh. Not hysterics laughter but irony. Rob and I have had many of detours along the way. Just when we get used to one redirected traffic pattern, some giant pothole appears and changes the course of that road. We always readjust and move on. Our road had seemingly been repaired when the bridge collapsed. Today we found out why.

Carter we already knew was perfect. Perfect fingers, perfect toes, and long legs like his Daddy. I knew there was nothing wrong with him. The reasons we lost him are different from what we expected. The words we expected to hear were Incompetent Cervix (IC), what we heard instead was Placental Abruption. IC would have led us to believe that there was so much we could have done to prevent the death of our son, that I could have done, that my body should have done. Placental Abruption is one of those 1 in a 1,000 chance occurrences that picked me, where for no apparent reason the placenta pulls away from the uterine wall. I now know I didn't do anything to cause Carter's death, but there isn't anything we could have done to stop this. I'm not sure how I feel about either choice.

Leaving the office I felt somewhat hopeful, like a cloud had lifted. Not that we received great news, but because we had news and with it we can take one more step forward. I wish we could take those steps with him but instead I hope that they will honor him.




~There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world~Author Unknown

One month-Part Two

After cleaning up from Caila's first ever multi-friend sleepover (there was much anxiety on my part about this and with 5 girls they did marvelous and our home was not a complete disaster and Caila went to sleep beaming about her party and friends) we made our first of what will be so many Angelversary trips to the cemetery. We gave Caila the option of going or not and she choose not too so on the way to the cemetery we took her to Aunt Jenn's-( Can I tell you how much we love that you live closer now? And how much I will miss you once you go back to work? ) she quickly asked what we did and how the cemetery was once we returned. We stood and stared, wandered, I closed my eyes and thought about what should have been. We noticed all the sad grieving people around us as they drove through. Carter was buried with Papa, Rob's Grandfather because once we were given that option we felt strongly that's where he should be, but we also knew there is a section in the cemetery reserved for infants. As if it would affirm the fact that we are not alone I had to find it, and Rob so sweetly drove around until we found the place. The place that shouldn't exist, the headstones so small in comparison yet larger then all the tiny babies laid to rest. So many had one date as Carter will, and so many died so long ago but for the parents it is so fresh. Knowing that 20yrs from now it will still be OK for me to visit my son.

One Month

The year has changed, the month has changed and yes we are forever changed but I feel like time has really stood still. We have gone through holidays and now Caila's birthday but for me its all been hazy.
One month ago today our baby boy became an angel, maybe I feel frozen in time because for me that day never ends. Tomorrow we will meet with the Doctors to see if there is a reason he had to die. Chances are we will never know, and we will always wonder, or they will tell us what we already know and then his death will have been preventable and we will still wonder why. Answers really will not change our hearts desire which is that Carter would have lived.

What's in a name?

So many things I haven't shared about Carter, I'm torn between hanging on to the precious memories that I have and keeping them as our own, and sharing them with everyone I meet so that I know he mattered.
The past 7yrs we had dreamed of babies and thought we were set on names, but the moment we watched our little boy on the ultrasound none of the names that we had picked fit him. We spent days going through names and trying to find his name. Then Carter came to mind and all three of us agreed, Carter was his name, without a doubt. Alexander is my Dad's middle name, and since their are no boys in my family we had always agreed that our son would have some part of his name. We had looked at the meanings and at first I wasn't sure about the meaning of Carter, but now his name is nothing less then perfect.

Carter- One who transports things; Alexander= Protector of men.

To me this can only mean that he is protecting and carrying us through.

Happy Birthday!!

Today is Thursday but for now, today the only thing that means is today is Caila's 9th birthday! A 9th birthday that didn't start of so well as we woke up to a living room that one of our dogs exploded all over, but today is the start of the birthday weekend so I'm sure we can make up for it over the next few days.

Happy Birthday Caila! We love you!

Happy New Year, Really?

Happy New Year....That phrase has held meaning to me for us for so long. We hosted a New Years party for the past 5 years and the three of us always looked forward to it. New beginnings, new challenges, new memories that lay ahead. That is no different this year, but now it signifies resetting what we anticipated in the year to come. In my mind January signified the beginning of the countdown until the birth of our Son Carter. Every resolution, thought, plan, goal be it career, financial or personal was leading us to the ultimate goal of finally being a family of four. So the simple question is Now what? What do we plan for ? What goals do we replace with the ones we can no longer accomplish? How do we change our plans without feeling like we are replacing our son? So for this year, maybe no significant resolutions, just to breathe in and out everyday, to take two steps forward and only one step back. Mainly, to quote the popular Rick Warren book title, we want to go forward with a "Purpose Driven Life" so that the life of our son will go on to have meaning, if only to us. We don't quite know what that purpose may be, but he has already taught us so much, I can only imagine what may come.

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved"- Hellen Keller