I don't remember.....

the weather that day, two years ago.
except I remember darkness, and the feeling of time completely standing still, wondering if I would ever feel anything else again.

Anything other then the hole that was punched completely through all of us.
Then I remember light.
Someone brushed up against the black curtains in the hospital room letting light in and until that point I didn't have any sense of time. But I couldn't understand why it was sunny. Why on earth could the sun still be in the sky when all I could feel was darkness that I was certain at that moment would never leave....

Caila asked me a few days ago if I remembered it was almost Carters Birthday, I know honey, was all I could say.
I know.
He would be walking-no running, and talking and who knows what else right now.
I know.
Some people say memories fade over time and the pain goes away.

They haven't and it doesn't.
I remember every moment of December 6, 2007, every word, and feeling cold. I don't think I've really ever felt warm since.
That's OK.
The cold forces me to keep moving.
To find my purpose, his purpose in being given to us for just a moment.
I never would have gone back to school, or stopped to really look at Carter's sister for who she is and what she could become.
We would not have embarked on this next part of our Journey.

We would have assumed we had the perfect family. Perfect Family of 4, in the middle of suburbia. We would have been complacent.

Maybe that was Carters gift, pushing us forward to something bigger.

Maybe,

But I'd still like to think we could have done "Bigger and Better" with him here. .... but maybe this holds true somehow

"The deeper sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain." – Kahlil Gibran


Happy Birthday to our Angel Baby