Happy Valentines Day

I realized today that holidays are not my thing. Except Christmas, I love Christmas. The rest of them though, I'm not so good at. Holidays as a thought I love but when it comes to making them fun and memorable for my family that I'm not great at. Usually I am ok with my shortcomings except that this year Caila was bothered by it. This is the year she noticed,the year that I am least likely of any to do anything about any holiday. Celebrating is not my thing right now, because we should be celebrating, but we can't. Instead we are mourning, mourning so much, the baby we lost, the brother that Caila won't have. Yet, we try be joyful find the small flickers of hope and light at the end of the tunnel. So we did Valentines day, quiet and low key, which was exactly what we needed, but all day prior to our quiet evening I was miserable. Sad, angry, emotional. I went to the gym after work hoping that would help, and as I was running I realized it was Thursday. Thursday the day of the week that will haunt me forever, the day that changed our lives forever. Its all in perspective I guess, some days you have it some its impossible to find. Carters presence continues to change us. He changed us from the beginning, his presence in our life, his life was to be a major change in our family. Even without an earthly presence it still is, he still has changed us, but I'm struggling so much to find what that is, what meaning, what road he is taking us down. So it was a Happy Sad Day, a day I tried to keep light in my mind but inevitably turned dark and deep. I know we arent the only ones, so to everyone else struggling through the day,
Happy Sad Valentines!

Words to live by

Ok I should be working, but I was beat and visited a support group board today and found som wonderful words to live by....

" You can't see the picture, if your the one inside the frame".....


Instant tears of joy and sadness filled my while reading these words. The picture will never bring us joy, but someday we will be able to look at it with understanding...I just wonder when that day will be...

Moving Forward....Sort of

This weekend was about small steps of moving forward, really small steps, but steps nonetheless. I had my yearly review at work on friday which I had sort of pushed from my mind. It was a difficult process as I thought of all the should have beens. I should've been discussing maternity leave, I should have been leaving my bosses office 31weeks pregnant. Overwhelming to say the least, but I survived. Something I say everyday, something that surprises all of us everyday.

We have all learned many things because of Carter, and as we continue to heal and move forward I am constantly learning how his presence has effected more people then I would have ever realized.

Poems...

Baby Angel Alice
by Karen O'Connor

Don't let them say I never lived,
Though something stopped my heart,
I felt the tenderness you gave,
I loved you from the start.

Although my body you can't hold,
It doesn't mean I'm gone,
This world was worthy, not, of me,
God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face,
You have my word, I'll fill your arms,
Someday we will embrace.

You'll hear that it was "meant to be-
God doesn't make mistakes",
But that won't soften your worst blow,
Or make your heart not ache.

I'm watching over all you do,
Another child you'll bear,
Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There'll come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips,
And then you'll understand.

Although I never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes,
That doesn't mean I never "was"
An angel never dies...

Words I cling to...

In the hours days and weeks following the death of our beautiful boy we have been blessed by kind words of friends and family. So many people I have met and spoke with have expressed sorrow by the "cliches" spoken to them. We were blessed, so many words have been spoken or sent to us all of which have been beautiful.... Some of which I'd like to share.....

Words of Hope...

"There is no footprint so tiny that he cannot leave an impring on this world..."

"a family is a circle of love, not broken by loss, but made stronger by the memories"

"the one who put gentle footprints on our hearts leaves a story worth telling"


All of these words at moments give me hope and a sense of peace, not necessarily understanding but peace. My faith has always been there but not always strong and I struggle with wanting my son.... I came across this Mercy Me song.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChT4Fb5MIXI
Homesick by Mercy Me

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Message from Heaven

December 6th, 2007- February 6th 2008.

Carter has been an angel for Two months. I estimated that he would be born on April 5th 2008, the day my Great Grandmother would have turned 100, which is roughly now two months away. He had other plans, that one day we will get to fully understand. Rob and I will always know these dates, anniversaries, even without speaking words. Caila knows them too, subconsciously, but she knows. Today for the first time in weeks she asked to look through Carters memory box. She knew without knowing.
He touched us in so many ways today....
On my way to work today Sarah McLachlan's song Angel came on the radio,not just randomly played but I was changing stations and there it was. Caila and I went to the Y this afternoon and on the way home we saw this beautiful rainbow. Not just an after the rain kind of rainbow. A rainbow so vibrant and full of color it looked painted from end to end. Caila said "I think Carter asked Jesus to send us the rainbow." He was around us all today, helping us with the little things, helping us to find the beauty in life even if just for a moment before we wished he could share in it with us.

The first of many.

Monday, it felt like a Monday. Monday's always seem to, never once have I heard someone say on a Monday, wow today feels like a Friday. Even though it felt like Monday it was horrible. Last week wasn't great emotionally, but the weekend seemed to give us some peace, glimpses of the new directions our life as a family may head. Choices and decisions to be made hanging in our grasp, I actually felt hope for a few moments maybe even an entire day. I know it will be the first of many to begin to feel that way.

Today I learned one of my cheerleading students mother had her baby girl. This will be the first of many babies born that should have been a part of Carters' life. The first of soo many.
My tiny cheerleaders who all knew I was pregnant as my belly grew and grew had not yet mentioned my lake of belly or baby, tonight when one was telling us of her new baby sister, the light went of in the heart of one of my 4yr olds. She looked at me with the sweetest eyes. "Your baby died,didn't he?" and before I could answer, "it's ok". The first of many....

Charlotte's Web and other things...

I had planned on posting this on saturday but the weekend got away from me....

Today I'm going to take a break from my grief (sort of) and write about Caila for a change of pace.



Last night Caila had a soccer game. She has two passions cheerleading and soccer, when it comes to sports. Her indoor soccer team has struggled a bit this year they moved up in age bracket and seem to be playing 10-11 yr old jolly green giant girls. They have only squeezed out one win this year, until last night. So let me bore you with some details..... They quickly scored a 2 goals in the first half and the opposing team came back to score, and in the Second half the other team quickly tied it up. Two minutes left in the game the coaches moved some players around put Caila in defense and her team came back to win with less then 20 seconds to go. Winning is definately not everything but its a great morale boost.

Charlotte's Web is such a timeless book. I remember reading it as a child and now Caila is reading it so this weekend we bought her the "newer" movie and we watched it together on saturday morning. I spend the better part of the movie doing the typical mom things, picking up this putting away that cleaning here and there. Caila really wanted me to sit and watch with her and when I finally did I remembered all the wonderful lessons the story contains. One little spring pig brought a community together. So by the end of the movie I was already feeling sappy and then the song came on at the end. Caila and I had gone to the theatre when the movie first came out, but I had forgotton about the song. Sung by one of my favorite musicians it was just an appropriate song for the rest of my day. It made me re-cling to the beleif that no matter how brief a life Carter was still a miracle.
Ordinary Miracle

It’s not that usual when everything is beautiful
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

The sky knows when its time to snow
You don’t need to teach a seed to grow
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

Life is like a gift they say
Wrapped up for you everyday
Open up and find a way
To give some of your own

Isn’t it remarkable?
Like every time a raindrop falls
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

Birds in winter have their fling
And always make it home by spring
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

When you wake up everyday
Please don’t throw your dreams away
Hold them close to your heart
Cause we are all a part
Of the ordinary miracle

Ordinary miracle
Do you want to see a miracle?

Its seems so exceptional
Things just work out after all
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

The sun comes up and shines so bright
It disappears again at night
It’s just another ordinary miracle today

It’s just another ordinary miracle today

8 weeks...

TGIF...I think thats a common theme. Emotionally this has been a tough week. Caila said it so well this week, "the closer we get to April the more sad I am". The days and weeks we are working through now are the times Carter shoulld still be growing, we should be preparing and anxiously awaiting his arrival. Instead Rob and I are faced with what decisions are the right ones to make now that our live has been turned upside down. Each path that seems to come our way has lead to a dead end this week. So as time marches forward I am beginning to feel frozen in time in many ways, and in others it sometimes feel as if the 5months I carried Carter were yet another of my dreams that have plagued my mind for so many years.
Sometimes though, in the brief moments of hope and peace that I have been able to cling to this week, I can see his beautfiul face smiling at me as if to say " Its ok Mommy, its ok. "

Tuesday....

It's only Tuesday and already been a tough emotional week. I really don't like the roller coaster of emotions. Let me be sad or weepy or angry all day, but the up and downs I'm done with.
Tuesday, I titled this posting Tuesday because that's what today is. There is nothing really poignant to say little things have been setting me off already this week so I'm not sure where to go with it. There farther away we get from Carters' birth and death the more difficult it seems to be for me. Maybe that's because we get closer to when his birth should have actually been. Or, Maybe its because I'm surrounded ( and its not because of our loss that I feel this way I really am) by beautiful pregnant woman who are now hugely pregnant and I am left with the body of someone who had a baby, because I did, but no baby at the finish line.
My Dr. gave me the OK to workout/run again a few weeks ago. I started slow in body but fast in mind (my first thoughts were of what marathon could I tackle this spring knowing that's totally unrealistic because I'm not Paula Radcliffe). So last night I attempted an aerobics class. I went knowing that an acquaintance who knew I was pregnant but probably didn't fall in the circles of knowing our loss was teaching, that was baby step #1 (actually I feel like it was a Jolly Green Giant step) then there was the being in a group of people baby step #2. Today I feel better for going, sad that the limits I used to push myself to had to be lowered, relieved knowing that I survived.

One slipped through the crack

Today started a crazy weekend. Caila had a cheer leading competition all day then a soccer game tonight. Busy, yes, but constant movement keeps the minds from wandering so much. Shortly after Carter died we sent an email to Caila's cheer squads which in turn was sent to her soccer team. Both groups we see on a weekly basis and I wanted to protect Caila from answering a lot of question. I learned tonight that not everyone received that message somehow. After the game one of the moms game up to me and very simply asked how I was doing, We’ve gotten used to hearing that so I thought nothing amiss in that and replied we are all doing OK, the next words out of her mouth were how many more weeks until you have your baby? The days have turned into weeks, and conversations like these send me back to the beginning, just when I was beginning to feel hope again.

Thursdays....

Thursdays have become a day of counting...Today is 7weeks. The first few weeks were about the day, 7weeks ago our son died. Today I realized that for me wednesdays are worse. I guess I am still somewhat of the eternal optimist, for on wednesdays I think 7 weeks ago I felt your little legs and arms kicking and punching me as you moved around still growing....I want to think of the little bit of life that Carter had instead of the pain surrounding the day he grew his angel wings.
Yesterday we received his birth certificate in the mail. No, not an actual birth certificate from the state, politics in our country keep us from legally recognize life as life unless it presents itself in the form of a full term baby. There are some states that now issue a certificate of stillbirth thanks to the dedication of women who have lost their babies to soon like we have. Strangely enough, my native state California passed legislation effect Jan 1 2008 that will issue birth certificates to stillborn or babies born to soon. Pennsylvania is far from passing such a law. A simple piece of paper give freely from a group called Angel Whispers based out of Canada. A simple piece of paper that gives me yet another page in Carters baby book. Yes there will be a book, because his life even if spent entirely in the womb does matter. Most baby books are about milestones in the life of a baby, Carter's book will be about the milestones he has given to us.

Regression

re·gres·sion
noun
Definition:
a regressing, or going back; return; movement backward
the slow westward shifting of the nodes of an orbit,the complete cycle of the regression of the nodes of the moon's orbit around the earth takes about 18.6 years caused by a perturbation:
reversion to an earlier or simpler form;
reversion to earlier or more infantile behavior patterns

As a family, generally speaking, I feel I can say we are okay, we lean on each other more then we ever have. That comes from each of us being incredibly stubborn and not wanting to admit needing anything, except for now, now we know we need...
Regression however has hit us all in some form this weekend. Pick a definition one of us experienced some form. "Caused by perturbation" seems to be my cause. The thing I knew would happen, it happened. One of the first tormenting dreams I remember having after Carter was born is one of walking around in the summer and having someone ask how are baby was....or having someone tell me how I looked as a pregnant women because "shouldn't you be due any day?" I expect this, as self-protection. Partly because I have worked in places that have exposed me to many families in our community, partly I guess because in some ways I want to be able to tell the story of my son. This weekend I had that moment, someone random after minutes of conversation told me they had just heard we were "having a boy". My heart stopped for a moment, for me and my son, but also for this women that I was about to tell his story to, she didn't know, and yet for me and her the most awkward conversation was about to begin. I felt for her, the sadness I saw in her face as I began to tell her our story. It sorta "set me off" for the rest of the day. Made me angry that this is the story I get to tell. Not one of some amazing all natural birth experience, but one of pain and loss. Today though I realized as I relived that conversation I realized that I made it through, I didn't collapse as I would have previously expected, I didn't breakdown, (and I feel somewhat guilty for that) and I realized that we will be OK, maybe not to the rest of the worlds standard of "normal" but we will be OK. We will regress many times, but as I found in the definition the moon takes almost 19yrs to complete a cycle of regression, so I think we're doing' okay.

6 Weeks

I have tried to write a few times over the last few days but could not find words. Carter has been gone from us for 6 weeks now, a time frame that also would have brought us to the point in pregnancy where he could have been saved. Time should be be giving us a scab but on many days this week, for all of us it has been a gaping wound. There have been some okay days, as one my cheerleaders pointed out last night, "Miss Brandee your smiling", how sad that even they noticed my lack of ability to do this much right now. Numbness and shock on some days becomes overwhelming grief on others. My running shoes called to me this afternoon and while trying to clear my mind it wandered. How would a mother, with no living children handle this grief, this pain, without Carter, Rob and I have Caila we are still parents, not making the pain less because of her but more bearable. We are changed, a piece of us missing, but we still get to be parents. These words triggered so many other thoughts of the things that DO NOT get to be. Some of which are simple, and some change who each of us are as people, they are things that define us through out life. Conversations had with people, we now carefully consider our answers because we dont know who we are without our Son, Brother or Grandson.

We may never know...

Placental Abruption- If you google you will see there are many reasons this may occur. Yet there are many more cases where you can never know. The traditional health concerns don't apply to me. Hypertension-I have low blood pressure, thanks to my Dad and running shoes. There are some genetic, or auto immune disorders that can cause these complications. As much as one would not want to have any of them, I was hoping they would find something, some reason, something that could be "fixed" in the future, so at least we would have a reason that our sweet baby Can't be here with all the babies being born this spring that get to live. Today-the day I normally would be working a half day for prenatal checks, today for the first time in nearly 8yrs, the nurse said those words that most people want to hear, your blood work came back normal. Normal? I'm not normal anymore, so why do I have to be physically normal. Why cant' they find something anything that would explain the senseless loss of our son?

~I do not write to be understood, but to understand~ Author unknown

Disney

One year ago today I ran my first Marathon. Right now I'm having trouble running up and down the stairs. I know it'll come back,eventually. Today though my good friends are where we were a year ago running their hearts out because they trained so hard.
Good Luck Ladies I'll catch you at the next one!

Last year I ran with the name of someone else's child on my bib because they had been stricken with a terrible disease. The next one I will run for my son so hopefully someday no one else will have to feel this terrible pain.

Oh Caila, If I could only fix your broken heart....

You know those conversations you have with people and you know without a doubt there is something they wanted to say but can't seem to find a way to say it? Tonight that was Caila. It's not the first time, she does this inevidbly at bedtime, from time to time. Even before Carter died. She would save some exciting, good or bad story for right before I walk out the door of her room for the night. Tonight she truly saved the best for last.
Caila had a soccer game tonight. The sister of one of the girls on the team was hanging with the team in the box tonight. I could see them talking while we watched the game, and I wondered what they were talking about, but I never would have imagined. Caila's friend asked her if she was the only child, she paused she told me knowing how she has always desperately wanted to answer that question, knowing that she was so close to having a physical answer. She told her friend that she was the only child in our house but that her brother is in heaven. I love that she thinks of the world outside of herself now, but I hate it at the same time. I hate that she has to feel this emptiness that Rob and I feel, I just wish we could make her beautiful heart whole.

TGIF

Friday at last. We made it through another week, a crappy week at that. My first week back at work was stressful, I was unmotivated and distracted at best, resulting in some major problems. Rob's Explorer completely stopped running and we said goodbye to the red fire truck and hello to a Jeep. A car that would have very nicely fit a car seat that we no longer have need for. So many things we should have or be doing now, so many things I wonder about.
It was not until my second day back at work that I realized most of the people I deal with on the phone did not know I was out for a month. It makes sense most of them probably did not even know I was pregnant with Carter but to now talk to them and do the polite phone thing where you always say your Okay seems strange. I don't say I'm Okay anymore, at least not right now. It's Friday though and I have my daughter, husband and a warm blanket with a heart full of memories of the son I'll always know but never know. And for tonight that's all I need.

Life according to Grey's Anatomy

Tomorrow is Friday and Thankfully so, I really could have done without this week so the end of it could not have come soon enough. Going back to work was difficult but when we add to that Rob's 10 yr old explorer taking early retirement, this week pretty much stunk.The Red Fire Truck is gone, replaced by a Jeep and many bittersweet feelings. Many times we had talked about the possibility of needing to replace Rob's car for the sake of baby seats, but we decided to wait. Now here we are with a great car to put 2kids in and no baby to but in it.
Faith, even Grey's Anatomy has it, even Dr's who explain everything with medicine and science choose to believe there is something more. While watching Greys' tonight I was struck by Bailey's character replaying her morning before tragedy struck her toddler son. How many times a day I try to think of what I missed, what symptom did I overlook, what could I have done differently. Knowing that none of these thoughts will change the outcome, Carter is still not with us. I have faith, I thought I had enough to make it through our pregnancy, until the day Carter was born, I kept telling Rob that I did. Today is 5 weeks, 5 weeks from the most horrible day of our life, a pain that I could never even have tried to imagine. Yet I still have faith, faith that something meaningful and life changing will come from Carters Death. This week has been difficult, but I made it through breathing in and out, I have to for my children for Caila to teach her that we can go on, for Carter to honor him.

Random Thoughts..

Music has always been one of my true loves, depending on my mood or whats going on in my life I'm always looking music that can soothe me at that moment. Every day I read about an amazing women and her journey to healing. Today I came across a blog with this beautiful song by Kendall Payne


I Will Show You Love by Kendall Payne

I will show you love, like you’ve never loved before;
I will go the distance and back for more
if you just say the word You will come alive again
and call the trying times your friend;
The pain that you have suffered through will never get the best of you;
You will hope in something real that won’t depend on how you feel;
When you call my name then I will answer, answer
I am on your side though the wind and waves beat against your faith;
You were on my mind when the world was made;
Trust in me my child, Trust in me my child
Walk out on the water where you have no control;
So scared to death of failure you sacrifice your soul, please let that go
You have climbed an uphill road, You have worn a heavy load;
You have cried through endless nights and nearly given up the fight;
Watched your dreams like falling stars the heartaches made you who you are;
Now looking back you see that I have always been there
Where you gonna hide? Where you gonna hide from me? Where you gonna go? Where you gonna go that I can’t see?
I have heard you cry and it breaks my heart for I love you so
I would never lie, this is not the end there is still a hope