First and Last

Tomorrow is Caila's last day of 3rd grade. I have had many thoughts about this today and for some of them I wasn't sure if they belong here or on the family blog. (really it is fully functional because I tried a new "space" and I'm having problems getting all the fun things working).
So at the risk of seeming to have a split-personality I'll probably write two completely different versions of what this day will mean to me.
I could post a first and last day picture side by side, which is what I had originally intended to do in the onset of this blog. On Caila's first day of 3rd grade we were 6wks pregnant with our precious boy, and planning ahead we could not wait to have that family picture on the last day of 3rd grade. Caila nearing 91/2 yrs, Carter somewhere around 9wks. I will forever look at scrapbooks and see the empty arms that should be full. Those moments will never go away; That doesn't mean we overlook the blessings, I think it makes us appreciate them more, but the hurt will always be present.
So tomorrow there will be tears I'm sure, for so many reasons. Caila, my baby girl, is closing in on her first decade of life, Carter my angel baby who will never get a first and last, and to all the unknowns that are around the bend.
I think by the end of the day tomorrow there will be a bottle of wine somewhere with my name on it......

Whats Next.....

I wanted to do this heartfelt Fathers Day post.... but I just didn't have it in me. Mothers Day was hard, but fathers day seemed worse. Not to lessen the life of our daughter but because I think of Fathers and sons, and ours is missing from the picture. Not only just our son, but a missing grandson for both families but specifically for mine. I'm an only. An only only. No girl cousins, no boy cousins. Carter would have been the first boy on my side. Since the moment I knew that Rob was the one I had asked that if we ever had a son we could somehow honor my Dad in his name. And now Carter, Carter Alexander isn't here, and we miss him. We wish he could be here. There clarity of peace love and understanding is starting to be clouded with time.
So whats next? Some ask, some want to but don't. There are days I want to ask but can't ask myself. Our goal is still to grow our family, somehow. The proverbial wrench keeps jarring into our plans lately, but I guess that's the point we need to learn there is a greater, higher purpose, then OUR plans. HIS plans seem to be different from ours and excepting that is so difficult. Knowing what we are supposed to do next is the worst part. How do we differentiate between what we want, what's best for our family and what our purpose really is? How do we know? All the age old life questions that we all ask from time to time, that I just can't seem to wrap my head around any longer...

Difficult conversations

We all have them. The ones we want to add to but just can't. I've had so many of these over the last few weeks. Summer is such a social time for us, for most people, but we definitely try to squeeze as much as we can into our summers after a long winter of being cooped up.
Social Butterfly~ I vividly remember my childhood Pastor referring to me in that way. Normally I can't wait for the next social event to be placed on our calendar, to the point of self induced ADD. This year-not so much, anxiety sets in where the joy of meeting new people used to be. One can never be sure where conversations may go, but inevitably you can be sure that in a group of mothers stories turn to pregnancy and childbirth. Oh sure, I can relate to them, and sometimes share things that occurred or that I learned with Caila. Those things I have had 9yrs to be comfortable sharing. There have been, however, moments when relative, pertinent information about Carter, pregnancy, birth, prenatal care, would fit perfectly into that conversation. That also means baring my soul, placing pain on serving tray and waiting for uncomfortable silence.
The good news is that by the time I contemplate all of this, conversation has gone elsewhere and I'm safe. That is until there is an actual elephant (a.k.a. pregnant lady in the room). Then its worse, wanting to offer advice (but I can't because I'm every mothers worst nightmare) and just plain wanting to talk about Carter to someone, because then he's touched the life of one more person.
Two random women opened the door for me to share my difficulty with in the last few weeks, and while I did get the awkward silent pause, they still let me share and on those days it made all the difference.

Six months and I'm still counting.....

Its hard to believe we are standing here 6 months from the worst day of our lives. Rob and I talked today and it just feels like an alternate life now. We have all moved through many stages of grief.
Here are just a few examples:

The day my parents went home and we stopped to Christmas shop and Caila tried to throw herself in front of the (proverbial) "moving car" that was a newborn baby, because my then 8yr old wanted to save me from any more pain, or the day I had my nails done before going back to work and when asked how many children I have I paused and boldly said 2, then to last weekend where we can now thoroughly enjoy our nearly 7month old nephew/cousin.

Many, many stages of emotions have come somewhere between all those moments. But somehow we are still standing. Heading into summer renews the sense of loss as I would have been home with both of our kids, doing the things that all the Mom's do in the warm weather. Instead now I try and make time to get to the cemetery, which happens so much less frequently then I would like, I hope that Carter understands. So much has changed in 6months that in one breathe seems forever and in others the blink of any eye.
Caila started a random conversation the other day about how she misses Carter and how much she wanted to be a sister and as the moment progressed I saw how much she has grown, both physically and emotionally, most of her words I will keep to forever cherish in the Mom vault. I will however share with you what I found so very poignant.... Friends and family member have graciously given us some beautiful keepsakes to remember our boy we cherish them all, to which Caila thought "Mommy even though we can't see him, he brought so many Angels to our house"..... I sure hope they stay, because I know they've had to carry us all from time to time....

New Blog

Visit our new blog about mundane suburban life.... http://rainbowfamily.wordpress.com/

Quiet Days

The blog is quiet these days. May is a crazy time of year, especially when you have an elementary school child. I often sit at these events wondering how it would have worked out to be toting our beautiful boy around to all these outings, and so wishing we were. But at the same time I find myself to be ok, and wanting to share with all of you some of these wonderful events. However, this is Carters blog. A place for us to come and remember, to openly touch the missing piece of our hearts, and sadly for those who have also left a hospital without their beautiful babies, a place for comfort to know that you can move forward no matter how badly it sucks to do so! Because of all of this a new blog is under construction, one that will be about our family moving forward whatever that may mean..... so stay tuned.......

Motivation

This week has been a tough week for so many that I know. Today was not an especially pleasant day today, so when when a friend posted this today, it was just what I needed. Motivation, a reason to keep breathing in and out, placing one foot in front of the other. I hope you like it as much as I do.

C.W. Longenecker:
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low, and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit,

Rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As everyone of us sometimes learns,

And many a failure turns about,

when he might have won had he stuck it out;

Don't give up though the pace seems slow,

You may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out,

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell how close you are,

It may be near when it seems so far;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,

It's when things seem their worst that you mustn't quit!

Deep Thoughts.....

can consume you like ocean waves.
Much like my memory of watching my Dad in full scuba gear (looking very much like an alien that I was sure would eat him once he entered the water, even though I had not yet seen the movie Abyss) My memory is of standing on the sand watching him wade into the water- and then screaming. I'm not really sure if that's what actually happened, but that's my story and I'm stick in' to it. The point is that the Deep thoughts if you give in to them, consume you. However, if you push them away you haven't gained anything by whatever experience has occurred. For some its losing a job, others fighting Cancer, for us it was losing our son.
The early weeks it was all I could do. Stare at my computer, find out the why, more importantly find the how to stop it. Like with any good burst of enthusiasm the light bulb quickly burns out. I had to stop let it go a bit, back away, before it~the pain,agony and grief~pulled me completely under. Somewhat like teaching a child to swim in the ocean, you want them to know it, feel it experience it, but have a healthy fear all at the same time. Inevitably a wave will wash right over their heads at least once. They run away, but they always come back. I'm finding my pain and grief to be that way these days. Some days I want to face it head on, dive right in, others I just want to pretend its not there. But then what? I don't question why us, why our family, I don't question why God would let this happen (he doesn't pain is a product of a fallen world) My question is What?. For me. What am I supposed to do with this? How do I not live the same way I did before?
Then there are days when frivolity comes at the perfect moment to just give my mind a break. Like sitting on the couch with Caila making friendship bracelets, or string rings as she discovered last night. Moments like those make it easier to breath for a second until I realize that its just one more moment that I won't be able to duplicate with Carter.

Mothers Day!!!!

Happy Mothers Day to all the Mothers! Especially to our Mom's and Grandmothers. It seems I had mentally blocked the day so cards and things will be arriving late.
The weather is cold and cool here, a great way to keep a somber mood on a day you aren't sure how to feel. I am blessed as a woman to be a Mother to Caila. She is our first miracle baby without her today would just be an ordinary day. My heart feels unsure of what to feel today, because there is an overwhelming sadness that I don't have both of my babies to celebrate with today, but also grateful that I am Caila's mother. I hope that you all have a day that makes you look back and smile fondly.

Five Months...

We held him as long as he has now been gone. I know we didn't get to to hold him for 5months, but we did. We held him for merely hours, but he was ours part of us, part of me, physically for 5months. Carter will always be ours, but the gone part will now begin to be more then the Held part.

Some parents start to think of what their babies would be doing today had they lived. There are days when I think of this but its a difficult path. According to Fisher-Price if Carter were 5months old today these are the things he would be able to accomplish:

Roll from his tummy to his back.
Stationary objects are now much clearer but he still prefers strong contrasts, sharp edges and bright colors.
He smiles at other babies, especially the one in the mirror.
His hands are open and he reaches out to touch and grasp.

As much as I truly think of December 6Th as His birthday, I also realize that had he lived through delivery, he wouldn't truly be 5months. He would be an adjusted age based on 20wks 4days gestation and his EDD. Most Dr's and medical journals will tell you that 26wks gestation is considered viable with a positive outcome. I have been thinking about 5months and wondered if any babies as young as Carter have managed somehow to live. Although I did not find any documentation of a 20week Baby, I did manage to find documentation of a 21week old baby girl born in Florida that weighed 1lb at birth (Carter weighed 14 1/2 ounces) that lived, and there was a beautiful picture of her and her mother when she had reached 5lbs. (what Caila weighed at birth). The article went on to say that someday they expect to be able to save babies as young as 20wks by use of an artificial placenta in a womb like incubator. Someday, to late for Carter, but not soon enough to save other families from the heartache of loss.

Five months have passed, it seems long yet short. The long straight path we thought we were on ( much like an Ohio road) has turned into a winding, curvy mountain (think Mullhulland Drive in California) that we are trying to find they to the top. Summer plans have become bittersweet, on some days more bitter then sweet. Through it all we still have each other, great families, Amazing friends-both new and old- and a beautiful 9yr old daughter that is wise beyond her years (some days) because of what her baby brother taught her. All of this in just Five months....

Welcome to Holland

It seems that some of the immediate, gut wrenching pain has dissipated. We do truly live more these days. I've even had the ability to have long phone conversations with friends again. Sometimes I still feel numb like I'm not really sure where am though, so when I came across this today poem/essay today it just fits.

Welcome to Holland

I am often asked to describe the experience, to help others understand it, to imagine how it would feel. Well, it’s like this…

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks, and you make your make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum, Michelangelo’s David, the gondolas in Venice. You may even learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags, and off you go. Several hours later, the plane is preparing to land. And as the plane is landing, the pilot makes an announcement: “Welcome to Holland.”

“Holland ?!?!” you say. “What do you mean, Holland? I signed up to go to Italy! All of my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy!”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve taken you to Holland, and there you must stay. The important thing, however, is that haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would have never met.

It’s really just a difference place. It’s slower paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there been a while, you’ll catch your breath. And then you’ll look around and notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips, Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy going to and from Italy, and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful place it is. And for the rest of your life, you will say, “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. Italy is what I had planned.”

The pain of that will never, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.

But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special and very lovely things about Holland.

Rocky Mountain News, October 29, 1990

Somedays, I just want to know why....

The emotional breakdowns at the drop of hat have subsided. In approximately a week Carter will have grown his angel wings 5months ago. Like anything in life in some days I just want to know why?!
I have mentioned in previous posts that his life just fit so perfectly into, well everything. The timing of his birth was surrounded by so many others it just fit. I had another one of those revelations last night. He, my son, would have benefited so many others, in such a subtle, maybe would never even realized it kind of way. Even though I know that his death has done the same, life just seems to have so much more meaning. We never talk about death as a society, always about the life that preceded. You never hear a group of people in a coffee shop discussing what they learned from the loss of a loved, just what they taught them from their life. So like any good human I just want to know, why us?, why him? Why Now? Why after so long when the timing was just so seemingly perfect was Carter taken from us? What is the good that is supposed to come?
Some days, I just want to know why.....

Great Day for a Date!

One more Dr's appt. checked off the list. They usually take so long Rob and I decided to make it a date day! Sunny Skies in Pittsburgh meant something outdoors after a winter of blah! So we chose rollerblading. Many people do not know about the hidden treasures that are Pittsburgh trails. I had not spent any time on them until marathon training days and when flowers are blooming or leaves are turning they all have spectacular views. Today we chose the "Jail Trail" a.k.a Eliza Furnace Trail. Having not been on Roller Blades for awhile (something we loved when Caila was a baby) we were both hesitant when we noticed the more Expert Bladers in full gear. Not us, shorts t-shirts and blades, not a pad or helmet in site. The trail was great and the weather was awesome! We ended the day walking around the Strip District and a quick lunch (which wasn't so quick) at Rolands .
We grabbed a table upstairs to enjoy the sun and quickly seated behind us was a family with a newborn. Passerby stopped to chat with the new parents and we quickly learned the baby was 2weeks old. Rob and I quickly realized that we were bothered, quick heart twinges, but for the first time we felt OK. Be careful what you wish for..... Being the people watchers that we are it seemed that all the people around us began to have conversations about somebody somewhere with some new baby. I laughed, sending up a quick prayer OK, we are doing OK, but do we need the hailstorm? The sun is still shining, and we came home smiling, so all in all it was still a great day for a date!

Happy should've been Birthday!!!!!!

EDD.....3 letters that you begin to plan your life around. Estimated Due Date. Today, April 20th 2008. The fact that people say "babies come when they are ready"(which for us is more like babies are born when my body thinks its ready) Does not change that fact that once you see that plus sign on the stick or the HCG levels continuing to double, that your EDD is what your life gets planned around. From the moment of triumphant joy, thoughts are different, plans are made, not just for the next 9months but for the next lifetime of your baby. We made so many, many, plans. None of them included spending Carter's should've been Birthday without him.

Carter was born on December 6th 2007 and I will always think of that as his birthday, but knowing what today could have been, I wondered how I would feel, think, act. Today started out grey, gloomy and rainy nothing that I wanted for the small memorial we planned. However, around 2pm the sun broke through the clouds and made for a beautiful day. It would have been a good day to be born, a great day for an exciting new beginning drive to the hospital. It could have been a great day to be born.....

Magic 8 Ball, where are you?

Monday came and went, more tests, and.......more waiting.
Reasons to be glad:

1. My Dr. ( Sanfilippo @ Magee) is very thorough and likes to have all the "ducks in a row".
2. We will have the complete picture all at once instead of little tiny puzzle pieces spread around a six month time frame....
3. Gives me time to attempt to lose some weight...(the attempt is being done in my sleep where I dream about getting up to run but really I never do!)
4......... Ya' I'm all out of glad....

Reasons to be annoyed:
1. The length of time I've been a patient there, he should know my chart backwards and forwards....whats adding a few a more test when its already the size of an encyclopedia????
2. They tried to tell me he had no open appts until June....ummmm, yeah right, I'm going next week.
Hmmm... well I guess I have one more positive then negative thats a good thing.
As I sat in the office yesterday I saw myself in so many of the women sitting there. There was me from every stage of our journey, the new patient full of hope nervously squeezing her husbands hand wondering what they would be told of new options. The women who had grown tired of the journey and given up for six months, but then had new hope grow and she was back because she knows this time will be different. The women who flew across the country for something spectacular with her records from that Dr, because now she was fixed! I watched them all, as if in a documentary, and then found myself praying : Dear Lord, please don't keep them here as long as we were, please give them answers, good or bad, just give them answers to go forward with life. Then they sat down, more smiley then most in the room, no they were giddy. I knew why instantly, almost 9months ago to the day We were them.... clutching the ultrasound picture, finally after all this time they had made it....She could not stop smiling, they could not stop holding hands, and when they left ( I heard the nurses say good luck so I know they were being joyously ushered to OB no longer needing the specialist) the secretaries and nurses hugged them and cried, Just the way they did 9 months ago for us. And I wasn't angry, or sad, I just prayed- Don't let them ever have to come back here, give them their Miracle, spare them the pain. They left and still I waited so many quiet stories in that room, and knowing there was a piece of me in all them, I wondered how many times I had sat there with a women missing a piece of her heart just like me.

What's Next?

This is a question we ask everyday, but I have not really opened my heart to discussing here. We have since December 6Th, been asking that question between every breath. Even in our quest to learn to breathe again we have realized that we want to grow our family. One of my Dr's immediately said to not think of a biological child for 1yr. That's where the debate began, some, I've learned some have been told "be pregnant by your due date". That will not be the case for us and its best, in some ways. My incredible, wonderful, could not have made it this far without him, specialist (you thought I was going to say husband he fits in that sentence as well) told us we "need" to be pregnant sooner then a year for so many reasons. Some days I feel like yesterday wasn't soon enough and others like next year might not be soon enough. Another of my Physicians said the body is as ready 6wks post-partum as it is in one year, barring no severe health issues. Aside from the issue of getting pregnant, and add to that now staying pregnant, I'm generally healthy.
So here comes tomorrow, where I will get the final answer of yes, your body is indeed ready for a baby (I am definitely trying on optimism again) .....but then what? And what if this isn't the right door to be opening? Definitely searching tonight, so if anyone has come across the GPS system that has the directions to my life, please give it back!!!

Connections

I've been a bad blogger this week, so when I visited today and read all the wonderful comments I hadn't yet seen, I was delightfully overwhelmed.
Rob and I have both commented on how we feel this blog has created a network, community really and hearing from friends and loved ones we do not see frequently (or in some cases yrs or have never met) just knowing we are all connected gives us a sense of peace and hope. This week has been wonderful. I felt like I truly lived this week, instead of just going through the motions. We even managed to have an impromptu gathering at our house this week 5 families, 13 kids and a few dogs! Caila even yelled at me for cleaning excessively-which is not something I had really been doing much. Maybe I've gotten used to this way of breathing, taking the good days with the bad and realizing thats its just a part of our life now. Like mile 20 @ the Disney Marathon your on the beautiful boardwalk and can almost see the finish line, but @#$%, you just want to be done, and when you cross the finish line all of that pain is forgotton and I would do it all over again in a heartbeat..... I'll never forget Carter, and I don't know where the finish line will take me, but I would not change the 20wks he was with us for anything. Sometimes the pain is better then not knowing at all......

You are ALWAYS on my mind

Spring finally arrived this weekend, which was a needed distraction on top of the myriad of activities that popped up in our calendar. So much of a distraction, that days came and went so quickly, even in the midst of thinking of Carter we stopped counting. Even just for a moment. I didn't realize yesterday was the 6th, I didn't realize that yesterday was 4months. I didn't realize that I didn't' realize. Until today when I arrived at work and began to write the 7th. Even though we continue to daily have conversations about Carter, and Caila so diligently prays for him, even though things pop up to remind us of our sadness. I just stopped counting, at least for a day. Its a happy sad moment. Happy because we are beginning to live again, sad because even though I know we will never forget, for I moment I failed to remember.
~Carter, dear angel~ even in the midst of craziness if for a day we forgot to take pause, you are always on our minds and forever in our hearts.

Saturday April 5 2008

My Great-Grandmother - had she beaten cancer nearly 16yrs ago would have been 100 today. Today, the day I had said from the moment we first saw the tiny flicker of Carters heart, today is the day I KNEW he would be born. Because I just thought that would be an amazing coincidence for one, but also I just knew. The hardest part of losing Carter for me is the seemingly perfect placement/timing/ everything part of his life just seemed to fit, from the largest to smallest detail.... and the lack of reason followed by the answer of "random chance" is just such a hard pill to swallow.
Days are coming and going now, the good and the bad whatever they may be but the hardest part of the heartache is the rearranging. You plan, and you plan, and then the reset button gets hit except when you reset something is missing. That's were the unavoidable pain creeps up on me, its everywhere I go no matter what. The dear friend, the random stranger or the completely unrelated noise, event etc. I can't explain it unless you know it, you can't understand it, and I wouldn't want you too, because it means you felt it yourself. There have been moments in the past that I have just had this crazy feeling of not being 'grown-up' that has so quickly vanished. I feel like I have been launched into this other world. The world of parents missing babies, I so often find myself looking around crowds and wondering which of you is also in this "club"....

NY Times

A few weeks ago the New York times published causing me great frustration, politics aside they have redeemed themselves a bit. Jane Brody wrote a very informative article titled "Seeking Answers to Stop Stillbirth", you can read the full article here. She eventually made it to her Miracle even though the journey was long. Some may say that Caila is our Miracle and while I believe that she is, I still feel we have one more waiting and that Carter will help send him/her our way.