Why I shouldn't have watched ER

So I lied here I am posting. I guess I may on occassion have things to say regarding Carter- I always have thoughts about him- Just now I don't feel like sharing most of them, and quite honestly I'm not sure anyone would really want to see where my emotions take me from day to day. My counselor-that I haven't seen in months and probably should make time for- Questioned me on that - and said "You edit your feelings?" True- but somethings are just better left unsaid.

ER has for the entire run of the series been one of my favorite shows. I remember it being one of the first "Adult" dramas I stayed up to watch with my Mom. Some years I have been a ritualistic follower and others off and on. This being the last season I am paying close attention.
Maybe I shouldnt have this week- but in some ways, it really paralled our life since we lost Carter.
The new chief walks around in a hospital where her son died daily haunted by the events that occured there- Every day I walk into my office building where my labor began wondering what I missed- how things could have been different.
She talked about not leaving her house for 2yrs then going to work on Sunami relief efforts. On so many days I would chose not to leave the house if it wasnt for Caila- I think I can safely speak for husband that we both feel that way. And the relief efforts? When you can't make sense of what happened of the pain and your loss, giving to others, trying to lessen the pain they are experiencing just seems to give your life some meaning. I'm still trying to find that thing, that place that I can do that.

All of this effected me greatly while watching this week, well written, raw emotion, then I thought writers usually draw from personal experience and embellish so someone somewhere close to someone working on that show, I would bet has recently experienced pain no parent ever should. But what got to me the most was this quote:

“ If you lose a spouse, you're called a widow, or a widower. If you're a child and you lose your parents, then you're an orphan. But a what are you when you lose a child? "


I'm still a mother to a beautiful daughter, but that's what I struggle with, what am I now? and what will we become as a family.... all the questions that the long awaited conception of Carter seemed to answer- but so quickly was stolen from us.

Forever Remembered

Tomorrow is 10 months since I held my baby boy. Time is starting to slip away. All the would have should have could haves come up more and more frequently. The pain lingers. We are still sad. Caila asks daily about her baby brother in heaven. We miss him. We don't understand, will never understand. We miss him. We are still sad.

But we must move forward.

Because of this I will not be updating this blog anymore. I won't remove it, hopefully the ramblings of a grieving mother will help someone, somewhere. But what I really hope for is that there will never again be any grieving mother's. Research can help that, but that will all depend on who gets elected in November.

Thank you all for sharing in our journey of grief. Near or far you have helped us to continue to breath in and out more then you realize.


Dear Carter~

In our journey without you I hope that we continually see signs that you are with us.... and just know how very much we love you....

The balance of Love .....

Great emotion consumes you during pregnancy. Emotion that you at times feel can never be topped. Until that moment... the moment you hold that tiny person in your arms.... the miracle you never imagined feeling.
That moment for most is followed by the wave of responsiblity that comes crashing over you. This life this little person is yours for the keeping, you hold the keys to their safety security and overall well being.

I felt that wave so sincerely when Caila was born. How do I keep her safe ? How do I spare her from pain. Never considering that the most gut wrenching pain I could not keep her from, would put a test to all those questions.

One moment took that all away from me. In one moment I was unable to save our 2oweek old baby as my body failed me in ways you cannot begin to understand ( unless your reading this because you've been there and my heart breaks for you and I wish I could reach out and hold your hand) as I wrestled through that knowing I could do nothing to protect him. I also began to realize that not only could I not save our infant son, but the pain our dear daughter was about to experience I could not keep her from either. The moment she walked into that hospital room to meet the baby brother she would never know, and most likely her only chance at ever gaining the title of sister, that moment broke my heart forever. and there was nothing I could do, to protect either of my children. Sadly, the moment I went from mother of 2 to only mother of 1 living child, gave me greatest example of balancing love in a family...

Quote of the Week

One of the Angel Mom's that I've "met" had her Rainbow baby, what the stillborn infant loss community refers to as babies after a loss, our hope, our Rainbow Baby. I cried rivers of Joy today for her, even though I've never really met her. The bittersweetness of this birth for her I can only imagine.


I was reading this week about what I hope will be my new project for the next year, I hope to give more info soon. But as part of this event someone wrote the quote of the year for me....

"Even though your were Stillborn...... You....Were..... Still.....Born!!!!!!!!!!! "

Author Unknown

The littlest Big Feet

Its hard to know much about a baby born too soon. We can imagine what he would have been like, what he would have liked, what would have made him laugh.
Certain things we know.

He had dark hair, perfect hands and fingers, and the same nose as his Big Sister.

The detail that we cherish most are his feet. Perfect in every way, and just like his Daddy. They were huge.

He had great big feet for such a beautiful tiny baby.
Basketball would have been his game.

My dreaded number.

Nine.

It's here.
The number I've sort of been dreading.
9.
The amount of time you Carter should have been growing.
The amount of time it probably would have taken you to crawl and or walk.
Instead the number of months you have been gone.
The number I now know for certain that my body can certainly not carry a baby for.
9.
Conceivably - odd choice of word- Had I a normal functioning female body- Caila and Carter could be on there way to a sibling by now. I could at this very moment be in a hospital bed resting, had we as many suggested been pregnant by our due date. But we weren't we aren't.
Would it make 9 months any better? No, maybe slightly less of a sting.

Caila asks about Carter more and more these days. Would we have taken him here? Would he have liked to have gone there? "We don't have a stroller Mommy, what would he have gone in?" We don't have a stroller because he didn't stay long enough for us to buy one.

All of these things lead me to the reason that 9months stings in someways I think more then a year will. When a baby is 9 months old you begin to prepare for a first birthday. I'm thinking of a 1st memorial service. Should we have one ? (yes) Should it be just our nuclear family (just we three, probably) Will I ever again think of Caila's birthday without thinking of Carters Angel Day? (probably not- because as I now realize that December is only 3months away, that means Caila's Birthday is around the corner also.
And in the midst of all of this when in a quiet moment my daughter says to me I still want to be a Sister, and its seemingly impossible to give that to her, when we were so close and he just slipped away without any possible way for me to protect either my earth angel or my heavens Angel.

If I could just turn back the clock.

Assumption of a better outcome.....

The last few weeks have not been bright and shiny for me. I'm not sitting home crying all day, even though on some days I wish I could.I've always jokingly said I suffer from S.A.D. and maybe with the cooler weather over the last few weeks and certainly a cloudy gray day today its surely not helping. Thoughts have crept in almost daily about how poorly our hospital reacted, what could have been done to save our son and how I'm certain with extraordinary measures the outcome would have been different.
Today I would have taken Caila and Carter to the National Aviary ( She has been quiet about Carter in the last month and out of the blue today asked if we would have taken him, what kind of stroller he would have had and did I think he would have liked the noisy birds- I want to say I hope she never feels this pain, but its too late she already has).

In my daily blog readings and searching (because the Internet has become my addiction) I came across a blog today about a women who was diagnosed with IC at 23 1/2 wks. Her Dr. immediately admitted her to the hospital and put her on strict bed rest. Two wks later at 25 1/2 wks she is continuing to shorten and she said preparing herself for preterm delivery and life with a NICU. Conflicting thoughts entered my mind as I read her story: #1) All the measure they are taking to get her to a viable baby could have been done for our Carter, Why couldn't her story be ours? #2) Full time hospital bed rest never being sure of the outcome, heavily medicated daily, its not an easy road.

My assumption of a better outcome had things been different??? The road would still have been treacherous

Addendum to Human Anatomy & Physiology

I'm going to depart from my normal posts here about Love and Loss. This will forever be Carter's blog but I think writing here (for the 5-10 people that read) has a higher purpose because of Carter. We had Carter because of long journey one that many more then you can imagine embark on daily....


It doesn't matter if its High School or College. Health class or Anatomy, that first place we learn about conception, procreation or "the birds and the bees". Its all very basic egg meets sperm presto magico you have a baby. Many people are blessed to fall into this category. No thought, no setting the stage it just happens. Thirty something professionals and junkies alike. Nine months later a baby appears.

Caila was our miracle baby in that sense. No Dr's no temping no planning,,,, no thinking.... We were blessed and then lulled into a sense of normalcy. Wrong answer. Over the last decade of surgery, Dr's and myriad of other things that could have turned my body into a walking pharmaceutical I realized all things missing out of the back of the textbook.

Depending on my mood on a given day I would add one or both of these warning labels:

The feeling Strong Days:

When you meet the Man of your dreams and decide to start a family things may not go your way. The 5-10 yr plan may turn into 10-15,and you will be tested beyond what you ever would have imagined. No matter the outcome you will learn from it, become closer as a couple and realize again and again why you married the one you did. Nobody else could have held your hand tighter through the darkness. No one else would have realized the hidden qualities in your character that only trial and pain can illuminate. It will hurt like hell, but you will survive together.


Then on the days I want to crawl into bed pull up the covers and say enough I'm done I would write this:
Edit- The day I started to write this post was not one of those days, tomorrow I know will be....

There comes a moment when you realize that things are not going to be all fairy tale like. I have been a hopless romantic, reader of Jane Austen, lover of classical literature. Not anymore, We expect the worst to happen to us now, tend to not see the "sunny side up".
On the horridly painful days I would write. Simply Life will suck all the life out of you. Nothing will ever go your way, except for everyone around it seems. Not one person in our immediate circle has jumped through as many hoops just to have a baby. Yet everyone can tell us to be happy for the one we have. Well we are, but can we not still want one more? Is it ok for us to want what you all seem to have gotten so terribly easyily?

but for whatever reason, as much as want to stay dark and twisty I can't. The Disney princess in me still comes around, and I know that even if I had to eat the poison apple for all of our dreams to come true, in the end I probably would...

When the inevitable happens

In the midst of dreaming your plans for your life we (well at least I have learned) as part of human nature (even those of us that consider ourselves optimists) tend to also think of all the things that could go wrong. When your worst case scenario becomes reality its hard to know (even if you think you know yourself well) who you will be on the other side.

I don't think it worked that way for me. I knew instantly that once we worked our way through the darkest hours of losing our son ( though there will always be those days when the darkness creeps in) that I was different. My priorities, my needs my ability to deal. It became a control issue. Even though we/ I now know that everything is out of our control. I needed no more surprises in the day hours weeks and months that have followed. Today the surprise happened.

Infertility is a many headed monster- so when we became pregnant with Carter and began to announce to the world our excitement after so many years- we told everyone we knew. My first purchase of maternity clothing was a t-shirt with the word BABY in giant letters. It still hangs in my closet today. The only downside to telling so many many people is when you lose that which you love, you have to share the sorrow as well as the joy. Sorrow is so much harder to swallow then joy.
I realize that this post is beginning to ramble but I'm getting to the point. This has not been a good emotional week for me. I have felt pretty much unhinged or at the verge of it almost daily. You see a year ago this week we knew for sure we were pregnant finally after 7 yrs, and we should be getting ready to introduce our new baby to many friends at the annual summer picnic we attend every year. A place where we don't see a majority of these faces except for yearly and I know we will receive many sympathies. But tonight was probably the worst. The inevitable finally happened, my fear that I knew would happen really happened.
We went to dinner, just the three of us. To our quiet place where we never, ever, ever.....see....anyone...we....know. Except for tonight. We ran into a family we know. The last time I saw them was 3 weeks to the day before Carter grew his angel wings. I had completely forgotten this interaction and went over to say Hi. She asked me a question that I didn't hear the first time apparently because I answered with "OH Caila's here she's in the bathroom", to which she responded, "Is the baby with you?" Stunned, doesn't' cut it... I didn't even remember that this family even knew we were pregnant. So there in our quiet place I share Carter's story. The worst thing that could happen as part of the worst thing that could happen did. But with a cause I believe. You see this particular friend is studying to be a Nurse Practitioner. She's almost done, and she's now with a perinatal (Maternal Fetal Medicine) practice, she's knows where we've been to get to Carter and where we will need to be to try again. So as hard as this was, I'm trying with all of my heart to believe that she was sent to us tonight as a sign. Maybe just maybe we will see her again soon...........

Eight Months

Dear Carter,

I can hardly beleive that it has been 8 months since we held you in our arms. So much has happened that you should have been apart, and yet you are.
Caila and I stayed home today and I just kept wondering what would have been different if you would have been home with us. What kind of baby would you have been? Would you have like mornings? Would you have been a napper? What kind of Big Sister would Caila be? Although I know she would be a great one and Love you so much, we all do. We wish you could be here with us everday. I wish you were her to rock to sleep and sing lullabies to and for Caila and Daddy to steal kisses and snuggles from.
I hope you know how much We all loved and Wanted you.... I hope you know that everyday.

Love,

Mommy

2nd Opinions or 2nd Guessing?

This week I went to see yet another Doctor. Partly because we just are not ready to say we are done yet, and partly because I think when longer then 3wks go between Dr's appointments for me I start to go through withdrawel.
We discussed all the normal issues required with new patient appointments and then we discussed Carter. I knew we would, he is forever part of our story. I had thought I had prepared myself for the possibilities. Most of the conversation was based in medical thoughts, but the moment he said " Your loss is puzzling, because with all your other issues one wouldnt expect a loss at 20weeks, 12weeks maybe but certainly not at 20! " I felt like the stunned boxer that was thought to be down for the count then slowly getting up feels stablized when POW, down you go again.
This will be my 3rd Doctor in nearly 3 times as many years, and maybe hopefully, as the saying goes the 3rd time is a charm.

Coming home

In the first days and weeks of knowing your pregnant you plan so much of the following 9months and possibly 90yrs for the baby your are growing. When you add to that 7yrs of trying for your baby and a daughter waiting to be a sister the plans were likely made before the pink line appeared on the stick, especially if infertility has been a battle, the likliehood of having peed on 100's of sticks before getting that one that actually turned +, those plans have been cemented for years.
The first stinging minutes hours days and weeks of knowing our son would never come home with us to fulfill those dreams play over and over like a tape recorder. So many things changed, I didn't know where to start in my mind. The first question Caila asked was will we still go on vacation, our immediate answer was no. But we did. And we survived. Even in our pain I still try to keep a positive outlook and continued to tell the three of us that it would be ok, it wouldnt matter that other babies had been born this year and that we should have been doing all of those "baby mommy" things together. We would be ok. Now I know I was convincing myself more then I was encouraging them. It sucked, more then I ever thought it could. Yet at the same time it was ok.
Carter has taught me so many things in his absence, and when I find myself losing clarity and getting into that rut of routine he comes back and reminds me. There are days when I feel like Caila is ok, then she reminds that Carter would have really liked the ocean. I hope so Carter, but more then anything I just wish you were here.

Vacation minus one....

Friday we will leave for our family vacation. The what should have been first trip as a family of four. Instead it will be a bittersweet adventure with three. I had begun to feel like myself again, really like myself, and because of that I was completely unprepared for the wave that hit this week. Not just me, but our entire house, I guess that will always happen with milestones and big adventures. Once I began to pack I started to think where would I have put all of Carters thing, what would be my favorite outfit on him. Then I remembered all the summer outfits I bought for him just days after we knew he was a boy. Up in the attic I went to find that bag and search through all the tiny clothes we had all ready for him. Then it occurred to me what I needed/wanted had to do. I'm not sure what will eventually happen with all of his clothes, but for the one favorite outfit, and for one special bear that a dear friend of mine sent Caila after Carter died, that one outfit made Caila's day. I quietly took her bear and dressed him in our favorite outfit that we had hoped to be dressing Carter in, but instead I handed Caila back her bear newly dressed as he was previously naked, and she just looked at me and squeezed that bear as hard as she could, I just wish she could squeeze her baby brother instead.

New blog take 2

After unsuccessfully trying to start a new blog on a new network, I gave up and just started a new blog here. I will continue to update Carters blog, but in an effort to not only focus on the pain of losing our son but to find away to honor him by moving forward visit our family blog.

mancavefamily.blogspot.com

Random Blogging Strangers

Over the course of the last 7months I have "met" many people, woman specifically, who have walked in our horribly painful shoes. We have also "met" those who have turned tragedies into such tremendous blessing. One of those women, (whom I've never met, nor had a conversation with other then a few random posts on her blog) this brave soul really put her heart on her sleave this weekend. Raw emotion that truly brought me to tears. I We have have struggled to know our path in this journey, our journey that did not lead us to a fork in the road that we were waiting for but rather had a catastrophic earthquake shatter the road we thought we should take. I feel confident that her words so blantantly meant for us, that I'm ok with what may be ahead..... Someday soon I'll share with you, but for now~ Carter our angel on your 7month Angelversary, for now and for the first time in 7months, I do feel hope.

4th of July

We visited Carter on the 4th. My mom and I remembered Pinwheels that a roadside store sold near where my Grandfathers resting place is in California. I couldnt find any regular size Pinwheels but we found some minis. We took a few pictures sorry for the blanks I used a new website and couldnt figure out how to use only one page.

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Healing, Hurting & Living

Any new adventure, for most people, brings a certain amount of adrelaine. Good or bad, pain or enjoyment, new found energy comes along with most journeys.
The beginning of our journey without Carter was not any different. Enthused, if you will, I prayed more, prayed with our daughter more, read the bible more, went to church more. Tried to find the meaning of life, not in general, but my life, our life as a family. That was just 2 days short of 7months ago. We have for the most part gone back to existing, but in a much lesser capacity then we did prior to Dec. 6Th. I think about it, the Indiana Jones bravery I felt in the beginning, how do I get that back, where do we go from here? But then I sleep, and I lose the strength, something quickly sets me back and it becomes another day to just exist. So on July 4Th I relate this to our nation, the early settlers, the founding fathers, the soldiers who gave their lives. How many times did they wish they would have stayed where ever they came from? How many of them ever actually saw/ realized what the sacrifices they made gave us.... because as much as it sucks, greatness seems to always come from pain and sacrifice.

Happy 4Th!

First and Last

Tomorrow is Caila's last day of 3rd grade. I have had many thoughts about this today and for some of them I wasn't sure if they belong here or on the family blog. (really it is fully functional because I tried a new "space" and I'm having problems getting all the fun things working).
So at the risk of seeming to have a split-personality I'll probably write two completely different versions of what this day will mean to me.
I could post a first and last day picture side by side, which is what I had originally intended to do in the onset of this blog. On Caila's first day of 3rd grade we were 6wks pregnant with our precious boy, and planning ahead we could not wait to have that family picture on the last day of 3rd grade. Caila nearing 91/2 yrs, Carter somewhere around 9wks. I will forever look at scrapbooks and see the empty arms that should be full. Those moments will never go away; That doesn't mean we overlook the blessings, I think it makes us appreciate them more, but the hurt will always be present.
So tomorrow there will be tears I'm sure, for so many reasons. Caila, my baby girl, is closing in on her first decade of life, Carter my angel baby who will never get a first and last, and to all the unknowns that are around the bend.
I think by the end of the day tomorrow there will be a bottle of wine somewhere with my name on it......

Whats Next.....

I wanted to do this heartfelt Fathers Day post.... but I just didn't have it in me. Mothers Day was hard, but fathers day seemed worse. Not to lessen the life of our daughter but because I think of Fathers and sons, and ours is missing from the picture. Not only just our son, but a missing grandson for both families but specifically for mine. I'm an only. An only only. No girl cousins, no boy cousins. Carter would have been the first boy on my side. Since the moment I knew that Rob was the one I had asked that if we ever had a son we could somehow honor my Dad in his name. And now Carter, Carter Alexander isn't here, and we miss him. We wish he could be here. There clarity of peace love and understanding is starting to be clouded with time.
So whats next? Some ask, some want to but don't. There are days I want to ask but can't ask myself. Our goal is still to grow our family, somehow. The proverbial wrench keeps jarring into our plans lately, but I guess that's the point we need to learn there is a greater, higher purpose, then OUR plans. HIS plans seem to be different from ours and excepting that is so difficult. Knowing what we are supposed to do next is the worst part. How do we differentiate between what we want, what's best for our family and what our purpose really is? How do we know? All the age old life questions that we all ask from time to time, that I just can't seem to wrap my head around any longer...

Difficult conversations

We all have them. The ones we want to add to but just can't. I've had so many of these over the last few weeks. Summer is such a social time for us, for most people, but we definitely try to squeeze as much as we can into our summers after a long winter of being cooped up.
Social Butterfly~ I vividly remember my childhood Pastor referring to me in that way. Normally I can't wait for the next social event to be placed on our calendar, to the point of self induced ADD. This year-not so much, anxiety sets in where the joy of meeting new people used to be. One can never be sure where conversations may go, but inevitably you can be sure that in a group of mothers stories turn to pregnancy and childbirth. Oh sure, I can relate to them, and sometimes share things that occurred or that I learned with Caila. Those things I have had 9yrs to be comfortable sharing. There have been, however, moments when relative, pertinent information about Carter, pregnancy, birth, prenatal care, would fit perfectly into that conversation. That also means baring my soul, placing pain on serving tray and waiting for uncomfortable silence.
The good news is that by the time I contemplate all of this, conversation has gone elsewhere and I'm safe. That is until there is an actual elephant (a.k.a. pregnant lady in the room). Then its worse, wanting to offer advice (but I can't because I'm every mothers worst nightmare) and just plain wanting to talk about Carter to someone, because then he's touched the life of one more person.
Two random women opened the door for me to share my difficulty with in the last few weeks, and while I did get the awkward silent pause, they still let me share and on those days it made all the difference.